A furious debate is raging on DH's blog about infidelity and whether one tells if one is having an affair or not.
The true answer is, I don't know and I wouldn't judge anyone else's choice but here is my story.
I told my husband that I had had an affair. I figured that if I was in the same position, I would rather know that he had had an affair so that I was continuing our relationship, if that was what I wanted to do, free of all illusions about my partner. I also felt that the only way we could hope for a truly happy old age was if we knew the truth about one another.
I knew it was a risk; that if he felt strongly enough, he would leave me but I felt at the time that at least I hadn't fooled him, at least he wouldn't be living with me under false beliefs. I also felt that if I had strayed, as I had, that it was symptomatic of problems within our relationship, problems that could only be truly sorted out if we looked at the cause and the effects that these problems had on my behaviour and on our lack of communication.
I told him and he was distraught. I hurt him badly. We limped along for a year before he asked for a divorce. The decree nisi was through in nine months and he was remarried within the year. Did I cause pain? Undoubtedly and I so regret the pain and anguish that I caused him. I was thoughtless, uncaring and blind to what I was doing to him.
Do I regret telling him? Yes, because of the pain and no, because I was honest, honest to a fault perhaps but now he has a chance of true happiness, and maybe, just maybe, I do too.
Minerva
17 comments:
As one of the protagonists in the battle on Desperate Husband, I feel obliged to add my twopenceworth here.
Let me first of all state clearly that I am not advocating dishonesty as a method of marital bliss and harmony. Far from it. I was always honest with my husband, and had already told him how unhappy I was in our marriage and that we should seek counseling, when i met my now ex-lover (M). I had already fallen out of love with my husband, which is the only reason i was therefore capable of falling in love with M in the first place. Prior to that i never looked at another guy. Well, looked, yes - i was married, not dead. But touch? Or even be tempted? Never. I am an evil minx, yes, but monogamous.
I totally understand why Phoenix tolf her husband, and I admire her honesty and courage. The only reason i am not telling my husband now, is that it would achieve nothing but to hurt him. It would neither help save our marriage or push it further over the edge. In short, it would be self-indulgent and self-serving, in providing me with a venting option, which i don't even want. I'm fine with my actions, and I can happily face whatever deity you throw at me when my time is up.
The reason for my fire and brimstone over on DH was prompted by a commenter who clearly stated her disgust at those who would deceive, and those who claim that cyber/online affairs are technically not cheating. This person has been the cheatee (whether cyber or otherwise not determined), and has issues with those who would be anything but 100% honest with their partner. Fair enough. But why is she trolling the net looking for sites of this nature on which to place her pseudo-moralistic stamp? It's a free world, cupcake. If you can't stand the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen. Which i highly recommend, because i'm standing perilously close to the knife drawer. (Sugar coating and fairy dust indeed... pah!)
The whole point of DH's post which sparked this issue was not honesty or dishonesty, but how he felt about his wife, and the difficulties he was facing in his marriage. He has tried to talk to her, with no luck. Communication seems to have shut down. HONESTY IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE. And not everything can be fixed by watching Oprah and spouting the inanities heard...
Forgive me for venting, beautiful Phoenix. Had to get that off my chest.
EM xxx
Hi Phoenix...just found your blog via my referrals.
I'm not sure what to say, but I am sorry about what happened with your marriage.
I admire your courage for speaking up...I hope you've found happiness now.
This is the only post I've read on your blog, but I'm looking forward to reading more.
Phoenix - Wow, I'm sorry to hear that things didn't go well for you (or maybe they did, I guess it depends on how you look at it). I think it takes a huge set to admit something of that nature.
Evil Minx –
Wow, I never thought I’d visit a blog and see a comment regarding my very own comment!
First of all, I have not been "trolling the net". Lets be realistic, with blogs one link leads to another, my dear. Just like this link was on another blog, a simple matter of clicking. Of course, I'm sure you know that.
And, you obviously find it hard to believe that someone can read a story, even if one disagrees, and actually find interest in his or her life. I communicate daily with people whose lives are not something I'm interested in imitating, I certainly don't surround myself with people exactly like me, how trite and boring!
The bottom line is, having opposing viewpoints is *not* a bad thing. I must be of a rare breed that I actually encourage opposing viewpoints in dialog with my friends; you find solutions to problems that may not have been thought of otherwise. You know, the old cliche, "Two heads think better than one".
Of course, perhaps your feathers were ruffled so drastically because you're not as confident in your decision as you claim. Either way, good luck to you as well :). I think there are very few things that suck worse than being in a crap relationship.
MD Hermit - thank you for visiting and posting - welcome to my blog.
EM - as ever, welcome.
I am thrilled that we are discussing this because I think it is important and I very much welcome opposing viewpoints and argument as long as they are rationally put. Please save us all from the vitriolic, irrational and inarticulate Anonymous!
The issue as I see it here, is whether, one confronts pain or tries to spare one's loved one and to move on with what is positive. That decision, in my view, can only be made in each individual situation and either way, to be honest, requires courage.
It requires courage to tell, when you know it is going to hurt, and it requires courage to keep the knowledge inside, knowing that it can NEVER be told to one's greatest friend.
Copout? Maybe...
*in the spirit of constructive discussion*
We are all courageous and brave people just trying to seek our way through the pain and pleasure of our myriad relationships.
Phoenix, I think you raise a very valid point, it is hard to do both!
Of course, I think it could depend on the person. Personally, I'd spend so much time covering my tracks that it would just be too exhausting, lol. Secondly, I'm just not that good of an actress. Third, I talk in my sleep, haha. Well, mumble, anyway.
But, more importantly, *I* couldn't imagine living an existance of lies, you know?
Maybe I'm just lazy, lol.
But, I do know it takes two to be receptive to change and to work on the relationship. I guess others choose to stay for whatever reason while some would just get out and move on with their lives.
The human psyche is very interesting, to say the least!
I hear you Hermit, but on the other hand, when those lies are told perhaps for a greater reason, then they are maybe valid. For example, if you are divorcing and realise that nothing good would come of telling one's partner that one had an affair for the sake of keeping your relationship civil for the sake of the children, then I would be very hard pressed to condemn that as wrong.
The difference between us perhaps, is that I don't feel that I have any right to comment on the way other people want to live their lives. I lived my life a certain way, and luckily, it worked out for me. I think we all have to make our own mistakes....but I will be there for my friends when they do...
Does that make sense?
Absolutely, like I previously mentioned I have friends who take part in things that are beyond my scope of interest.
One reason I read these types of blogs, is because I *don't* get it. Just like some don't understand my viewpoint.
Of course, I could very well be a lucky person who has surrounded herself with people who don't take an honest comment as a slap in the face or just judgment; but just as it is, an opinion. Know what I mean? (Except for my parents, but that's another story all together, lol.)
For instance, your situation. I have a lot of respect for people who come clean before I have to find out. But, I am someone who finds it relatively easy to move on. Some people just have a hard time of letting go.
Therefore, mileage will vary.
Overall, I can see your point. I can't say I agree, but I can definitely see. If that makes sense.
Hermit, i am shocked. Shocked and amused.
1. Having opposing viewpoints a bad thing? Heaven forfend. No, no, a thousand times no. The Evil Minx adores opposing viewpoints. (Though she can never eat a whole one.)
2. Your point of view - all of them, in fact - is/are completely legitimate. All power to your elbow. And all your other pointy bits. I don't agree with them. Legitimately.
3.I do admire you for not posting as anonymous. It's not quite Minx, but it's good.
4. And walk a mile in my shoes before you insult me again. They're orange suede and very comfortable.
Ms. E. Minxxxxxxxxxxxx
The last word....
Point made...
I was going to make a comment but I don't want to get in the middle of this one! Besides, Phoenix just had last word...
Brad,
Don't you DARE cop-out....
*grinning*
You know us males are not good at expressing ourselves. I am part the don't ask, don't tell crowd...
my two cents.... you can either see infidelity as a sign of something wrong with the state of your marriage, or it's a sign of a very strong one. depends on your view of marriage in general.....
Your two cents or stirring?
*grinning*
Phoenix
This is a very interesting discussion.
I suppose it is a matter of how much your mate values honesty. I would want to be told the truth no matter how much it hurts, on the other hand I believe my boyfriend would rather be kept in the dark.
For my own ease of mind, I would want to be able to tell the truth. I don't think that he could handle it though. As hard as it would be for me, I would have to try to keep the secret.
I only hope that I am not ever in either situation.
Michele sent me,
Love your blog. Very interesting.
You must be honest with your partner.period.
If you are having an affair or had an affair then you are obviously un happy in your relationship. Why spend another minute being miserable.argh....Just be honest, it really is the only way to live.
Good for you!!
I think you did the right thing!
Nadia :)
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