A furious debate is raging on DH's blog about infidelity and whether one tells if one is having an affair or not.
The true answer is, I don't know and I wouldn't judge anyone else's choice but here is my story.
I told my husband that I had had an affair. I figured that if I was in the same position, I would rather know that he had had an affair so that I was continuing our relationship, if that was what I wanted to do, free of all illusions about my partner. I also felt that the only way we could hope for a truly happy old age was if we knew the truth about one another.
I knew it was a risk; that if he felt strongly enough, he would leave me but I felt at the time that at least I hadn't fooled him, at least he wouldn't be living with me under false beliefs. I also felt that if I had strayed, as I had, that it was symptomatic of problems within our relationship, problems that could only be truly sorted out if we looked at the cause and the effects that these problems had on my behaviour and on our lack of communication.
I told him and he was distraught. I hurt him badly. We limped along for a year before he asked for a divorce. The decree nisi was through in nine months and he was remarried within the year. Did I cause pain? Undoubtedly and I so regret the pain and anguish that I caused him. I was thoughtless, uncaring and blind to what I was doing to him.
Do I regret telling him? Yes, because of the pain and no, because I was honest, honest to a fault perhaps but now he has a chance of true happiness, and maybe, just maybe, I do too.