I am angry today.
Angry at my insomnia. I couldn't sleep until 5am last night because I had slept late in the afternoon and consequently, when I woke up this morning I was in a filthy mood.
Angry at my body. Why do I have to have this? Why, when I was just starting to accept myself, my body and my mind post divorce does this have to happen? Why when my weight has now stabilised, does this constant see saw have to start? Why, when I am finally managing to get somewhere at work, am I sapped constantly by tiredness and fatigue.
Angry at my mind. Why has it disappeared? Why has my power of concentration completly gone? My greatest pleasure of reading has been destroyed because I cannot focus for longer than ten minutes at the most on anything. My work is falling behind because I can't mark it because I can't concentrate long enough on it. Words fail me where thesauri used to...
Angry at my cancer. Why does it have to be me? I did everything right. I breastfed my children, one for over 11 months... I had my children early, first at 26.. I don't have it in my family. Why has it attacked me?
Angry at the timing. I have just started putting my dreams into reality. I have started writing the book I always wanted to write. I decided to have six months off relationships to 'find myself'. This was going to be 'me' time and now it has to be cancer time. Doesn't this thing realise that I have work to do? That I want to leave my mark on this world - How is that going to happen now?
Angry at my first doctor. Why didn't he spot it right away? Why do 'I' have to be the 'test' case? Why is it up to me to complain and get annoyed...
Angry at my heart. Why am I not loved? What is wrong with me that I get cancer and am alone to get through it. I know I have friends, but why does love escape me? Why do men find me intimidating? Why was I born clever when to be stupid and pretty would be easier?
Angry at my appearance. All my life I have struggled with weight and body image issues. Finally, when I am fit, good looking and happy with my looks, they are devastated by cancer and chemotherapy. This is UNFAIR!
Angry at my motherhood. Why did I have three girls when I am now handing them a poisoned cup?
Frustrated, angry, hurt, vulnerable, disappointed, sorrowful, tearful, guilty, detoxing in words,
shouting in whispers...
Minerva
16 comments:
I have no words, just this...
*hugs*
I too have no words.
So I send *hugs* too.
btw - I can identify with the smart vs. dumb and pretty. that entire paragraph. this angry whisper of yours I know the best.
love,
Ciera
You ARE frustrated, angry, etc... Anyone would be.
You are NOT handing your children a poisoned cup; that's silly.
You are STILL clever.
You are NOT intimidating except maybe to worthless wimps.
You WILL again be fit, good-looking and happy.
love and hugs to you...
its ok to be angry...let it give you strength to continue on...
wishing you -
peace...
Tony, you kick ass. All I can say is, "What he said!" x2.
Channel that anger inward at your cancer. Make it bleed and suffer.
Minerva, your friends are quite right. Anger is healthy, and you can use it against your demon.
[joins queue for hugging]
cq
To quote John Lydon: "Anger is an energy". Use it wisely.
And I'm sure you concentrated for more than ten minutes while writing this < wink >.
Lxx
Minerva~
((((HUGS))))
3T
A bad day today..or maybe a good one?
Anonymous – as heart felt as your comment was, I don’t feel that you derive the most from my blog…
Veracity – Not only are you speechless but when I check out your blog you have a wonderful eye and a real talent.. Not only that, but you have honoured me by breaking your rule and blogrolling me. That speaks so much louder than any fluff – thank you….
Ciera – A common complaint isn’t it? Sometimes it would be so much easier but I am sure supermodels have bad days too… Thank you for your constancy….
Tony – I cannot express my gratitude to you. Not only do you write beautifully with a really warped and twisted sense of humour which I love but you make me laugh, you build me up when I am down and take me down several (!) pegs when I need it….
If only you weren’t married already… Your wife is a very lucky lady….
Monkey – You speak to me of hope. Every time I see your face, I think, there goes a survivor….
Chench – He does, doesn’t he? And I so will, but today? Today, I needed to vent…
CQ – A new and welcome addition. I have checked out your blog too and blogrolled it… Thank you…
Londinium – I will, I will. I don’t need to concentrate with writing and I am sure that if you read closely enough you would notice errors of punctuation, spelling and grammar which wouldn’t have been there six months ago… Writing, strangely enough, is the one thing I CAN do….
3T – You are just…gorgeous….
Minerva
What Tony said.
What Chench said.
Especially what Londinium said (bless him).
And as for:
"Why was I born clever when to be stupid and pretty would be easier?"
1. Thank god you were born clever, otherwise all of us would be deprived of reading your writing.
2. Clever and pretty are not mutually exclusive.
3. You are beautiful. Looking. You have always been a beautiful person to me, but i've met you also, and your beauty is real and not only skin deep.
So there, ner. *raspberry*
Minxxxxxxxx
Minx..*grin*
But you WOULD say that, wouldn't you?
Neener back...
Minerva
I second Tony; and let the anger halp you to fight it with all you have.
{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}
You WILL get through this. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel--it's around a curve & you just can't see it yet.
Many will walk beside you in your journey & you may never know that. You go on and be angry for now. It is part of the fight.
The insomnia could be caused by any steroids they might have given you during & after the chemo. I didn't sleep for 3 days & politely refused them after that.
Hang in there.
Hugs, MIchele
My mum had breast cancer. I was 12 when she told me. My first thoughts were all for me. How would i cope with a sick mum? Would she still be able to cook and clean and look after me? how incredibly selfish i was.
Your blog has made me imagine for the first time what it must of been like for her. All her worries and fears. I appreciate for the first time what she went through. Thank you.
P.S it's been 12 years now and she is fine. As you will be.
I have no wise words. I, often fear what you have found yourself facing. All I can say is take what your feeling and turn it toward the cancer and not yourself.
With recent health concerns in my life I could very well be having to take that advice myself.
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