I am angry today.
Angry at my insomnia. I couldn't sleep until 5am last night because I had slept late in the afternoon and consequently, when I woke up this morning I was in a filthy mood.
Angry at my body. Why do I have to have this? Why, when I was just starting to accept myself, my body and my mind post divorce does this have to happen? Why when my weight has now stabilised, does this constant see saw have to start? Why, when I am finally managing to get somewhere at work, am I sapped constantly by tiredness and fatigue.
Angry at my mind. Why has it disappeared? Why has my power of concentration completly gone? My greatest pleasure of reading has been destroyed because I cannot focus for longer than ten minutes at the most on anything. My work is falling behind because I can't mark it because I can't concentrate long enough on it. Words fail me where thesauri used to...
Angry at my cancer. Why does it have to be me? I did everything right. I breastfed my children, one for over 11 months... I had my children early, first at 26.. I don't have it in my family. Why has it attacked me?
Angry at the timing. I have just started putting my dreams into reality. I have started writing the book I always wanted to write. I decided to have six months off relationships to 'find myself'. This was going to be 'me' time and now it has to be cancer time. Doesn't this thing realise that I have work to do? That I want to leave my mark on this world - How is that going to happen now?
Angry at my first doctor. Why didn't he spot it right away? Why do 'I' have to be the 'test' case? Why is it up to me to complain and get annoyed...
Angry at my heart. Why am I not loved? What is wrong with me that I get cancer and am alone to get through it. I know I have friends, but why does love escape me? Why do men find me intimidating? Why was I born clever when to be stupid and pretty would be easier?
Angry at my appearance. All my life I have struggled with weight and body image issues. Finally, when I am fit, good looking and happy with my looks, they are devastated by cancer and chemotherapy. This is UNFAIR!
Angry at my motherhood. Why did I have three girls when I am now handing them a poisoned cup?
Frustrated, angry, hurt, vulnerable, disappointed, sorrowful, tearful, guilty, detoxing in words,
shouting in whispers...