I have always prided myself on feeling good in who I am. As the French say, 'bien dans sa peau' - comfortable in your skin. Recently, with the move from abroad, the search for job, house and friends, I have felt more and more confident in who and what I am or purport to be. In myself as a woman, as a professional and as a mother.
One of the worst things about this cancer is the fact that the treatment seems to be stripping away that self-confidence. I don't know who I am at the moment. I look in the mirror and I don't recognise the woman looking back at me. Instead of my flowing mane, the pride of my current life, I have a few wisps of hair through which my scalp shows. I feel defeminised, deMinerva-ised and like Samson. My strength, like his, has been stripped.
I went out yesterday in a hat for the first time and it felt so strange. I kept catching sight of myself in shop windows and doing a double take. Was that really me? I see myself as ugly, misshapen, a freak of nature. I know inside that it is temporary but that doesn't stop the feelings. I no longer want to take care of myself, wear makeup or dress well. I just want to slip into slovenly clothes that reflect my lack of confidence and happiness in my appearance...
This is so unlike me. I am normally such a vital, lively, assertive, sexual being, and all that has been temporarily put in a suitcase. I don't, though, just want to take it out in six months time, I want to get used to this new Minerva, to celebrate her loss, her fight and see my lack of hair as a badge, a scar of courage, a sign of a war that is being won.
But that will take time...
Minerva
16 comments:
Well, you still sound to me like a very vital, etc, person.
That's Minerva on the outside that you're talking about, yet all your other posts talk about the inner Minerva and the strength she possesses, the dreams she still has and the plans she is still making. Surely the inner Minerva doesn't gain her strength from her legs, hair and waistline, etc? No, she gains it from *who* she is, not *what*. The Minerva that reads voraciously, thinks, talks... and writes so well.
Tony - Inside I know I am but I did derive some of that energy from how I looked and the disparity at the moment between how I see myself, and the reality is, to put it frankly, scary.
Londinium - You are right. I don't get my strength from those things but they reflect and amplify those strengths. I have an idea of how I am seen and at the moment, that is all in a state of flux. I now look pedestrian, ordinary and mouselike but the person inside me isn't. It is reconciling those two opposites which I am finding so hard.
It WILL take time. You don't need makeup to be the beautiful woman you already are. xo
This must be temporary, Minerva. Don't let it get you down. You need to fight with every fiber of your being. I suspect you could never look pedestrian - even if you feel it now.
LGOE - I hardly ever wear makeup anyway and now, even the mascara will be unnecessary...
Kenju - I know it shouldn't and that what you are saying is right..but it still does..~*sigh*
Minerva,
Did you ever watch the Alien movies with Sigourney Weaver? She never looked particulary glamorous when she was fighting the enemy, but heck she was one hell of a hero. I know life for you at this point in time is not some sci-fi movie, but if you can hon, remind yourself that Minerva's appearance has changed only temporarily as she goes in to fight the battle with the enemy. You're still the same Minerva to your family and friends. But if you can, try to view Minerva as being a warrior, hence there isn't a need for glamour unless Minerva is in the mood for it.
The beautiful Minerva hasn't gone anywhere. She is just too busy for some of the chick things at the moment. But once you've won the battle, you can be whoever you want to be.
I'm really proud of you and this blog and your progress.
Your friend sunburnt
Pedestrian??? You? Never... Just for the record women in hats are sexy, as long as it's not one those beanies with the propeller on top.
your hair will grow back soon enough, to reflect once again the strength that was always there...
I think I understand what you're saying and how you feel Minerva.(I know it's a small fraction of what you are going thru, but would another example of this be as women age. Inside they are as beautiful, strong and alive as they felt at 25, but then when they look in the mirror, it's not the image they have inside them. Coming to terms with whats in the mirror and whats on the inside. Might not be the best of examples, but is this what I'm reading in your words?) I know you will eventually reclaim your original feelings of who Minerva is.
I see you as such a beautiful, strong, graceful and intellegent woman. Your many attributes draw me here every morning.
(((HUGS)))
3T
Women are like a bottle of wine. The outside may get dusty and scratched up a little over time, but what's inside only gets better and better in time. I don't think you kiss your hair or any other aspect of your appearance for the simple reason that you now have to see that you have cancer. There's no more hiding, no more pretending that it's all normal. It's time to regroup and pull for the final push into battle. For what it's worth, I'm certain you'll do fine, but you are the one who needs to know that and not me. Be certain that you are still a most beautiful creature and that hair and skin merely contain us, not define us. What you are and what you have are unrelated to your appearance and be proud of those things above the cosmetic.
Never mind Brad's comment on the hats. For what it's worth, I think women in propeller beanies are sexy (but then again I'm not exactly right in the head).
That is such a thought provoking post. It sounds like your heart is in the right place, and the rest of you just needs to catch up. Good luck and I hope it gets easier each day.
your gonna win the war!!!!!
I have nothing to offer except my deepest empathy. ::sends warm hugs:: This too shall pass, eh? Small comfort at the moment, I'm sure, but you'll look back and remember the strength and grace with which you handled all this, and you'll know that this only magnified your beauty.
Feith
Minerva...how difficult for you...so sorry about how you're feeling...
I have not had cancer as you know but in a way I understand a little of what you mean perhaps. I have spent much of my adult life failing to recognise the image of myself in the mirror and I have always found it debilitating and undermining...
But as others have said, the outer you is not the inner you...the inner you is demonstrated here, in your determination, your articulacy, your sensitivity.
Have courage hon...you are still that vital, lively, assertive, sexual being, even if you don't feel up to showing it right now. You are certainly no 'freak of nature', far from it - you're doing something more real than many of us will ever do.
(((Hugs)))
But, Min, in the end Samson's strength wasn't in his hair, it was in his heart - same as you, my dear.
With the strength of heart of Samson, you will defeat your demon.
Thoughts, as ever, with you honey
cq
you are awesome...dont ever forget that...if i was there, or if i didnt have an interview tomorrow, i would shave my head for you... :)
wishing you -
peace...
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