I hate about cancer...Don't worry, I will get to 5 things I can tolerate about cancer...but not at the moment..
1) The number one thing I hate about this disease is the lack of control. Yes, that may sound ridiculous when actually any disease takes away your control but with this one, I find it even more so. I have my children at some point during the coming Easter holidays but I am unable to plan for it at all..Why?
Well, I don't know yet whether I am going to have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy, I don't have a date for the operation and I don't know the recovery time I need to have as estimates range between 8 weeks and 2 weeks. As my last chemo is the 21st of February and the operation is usually planned for between 4 to 6 weeks after, that lands smack in the middle of the holidays.. Oh, my poor children...
2) The second thing I hate is that you are never free of it. No, the idea is always in one's mind, not always at the front, mind, but it is there, and it stays there... In the morning when I wake up, I have about 2 seconds grace and then, wham it hits me.. I still have it... This is not a nightmare - it is my life... and then I feel it to see if it has got smaller or magically disappeared whilst I was asleep...
Thank goodness really that the tumour is in my breast, for if I insisted on feeling it every day and it was in my colon, I might have to become a contortionist....
3) The way people immediately assume that they have THE answer and then call you up and tell you about it.. Just last week I had people telling me about noni juice, another kind of juice supplement, brazil nuts, cat's claw, and more...Sheesh! If I want to turn into a walking experiment for a juicer or a health food shop, then I will let you know, but please, don't push these things down my neck..or even down the telephone!
4) I hate the fact that as soon as you mention the word 'cancer' the word 'death' crawls into the face of the person you are talking to. In some cases, it is possible to see a full blown assessment of your chances going on between their brows..I mean, please - breast cancer is curable...Don't foist your own fears on me..I have enough of my own going on!
5) But the very worst thing of all is the, 'stay positive and you will be fine', attitude... Okay, let's try this. I will take away all your hair, I will take away any abillity for you to plan your life for the next few months, I will make you feel incredibly ill for one week out of three, and I will make you so tired that you can't work... That means that you obviously have financial worries too, so sorry about that, but you know what, stay positive and you will be fine... Positive?! I am NOT going to pander to the 'optimism' brigade. Cancer stinks - sorry if it isn't what you want to hear, but this is my space and I am putting it as I see it.. Cancer is ugly, debilitating, miserable and a destroyer of lives, morale and bodies...Let me, at least, face the reality of my situation rather than always having to 'put a brave face on ' for your benefit.
Oh, and just incidentally? That doesn't mean it's going to get me...Uh uh..no way... But it does mean that I can face my enemy full on, in bright light, knowing exactly what it is I am facing...rather than being befuddled by rose coloured glasses....
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war...... Minerva is on the war path...
Minerva
Technorati Tags: breast cancer, hope, fight, cancer, think_positive,
1) The number one thing I hate about this disease is the lack of control. Yes, that may sound ridiculous when actually any disease takes away your control but with this one, I find it even more so. I have my children at some point during the coming Easter holidays but I am unable to plan for it at all..Why?
Well, I don't know yet whether I am going to have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy, I don't have a date for the operation and I don't know the recovery time I need to have as estimates range between 8 weeks and 2 weeks. As my last chemo is the 21st of February and the operation is usually planned for between 4 to 6 weeks after, that lands smack in the middle of the holidays.. Oh, my poor children...
2) The second thing I hate is that you are never free of it. No, the idea is always in one's mind, not always at the front, mind, but it is there, and it stays there... In the morning when I wake up, I have about 2 seconds grace and then, wham it hits me.. I still have it... This is not a nightmare - it is my life... and then I feel it to see if it has got smaller or magically disappeared whilst I was asleep...
Thank goodness really that the tumour is in my breast, for if I insisted on feeling it every day and it was in my colon, I might have to become a contortionist....
3) The way people immediately assume that they have THE answer and then call you up and tell you about it.. Just last week I had people telling me about noni juice, another kind of juice supplement, brazil nuts, cat's claw, and more...Sheesh! If I want to turn into a walking experiment for a juicer or a health food shop, then I will let you know, but please, don't push these things down my neck..or even down the telephone!
4) I hate the fact that as soon as you mention the word 'cancer' the word 'death' crawls into the face of the person you are talking to. In some cases, it is possible to see a full blown assessment of your chances going on between their brows..I mean, please - breast cancer is curable...Don't foist your own fears on me..I have enough of my own going on!
5) But the very worst thing of all is the, 'stay positive and you will be fine', attitude... Okay, let's try this. I will take away all your hair, I will take away any abillity for you to plan your life for the next few months, I will make you feel incredibly ill for one week out of three, and I will make you so tired that you can't work... That means that you obviously have financial worries too, so sorry about that, but you know what, stay positive and you will be fine... Positive?! I am NOT going to pander to the 'optimism' brigade. Cancer stinks - sorry if it isn't what you want to hear, but this is my space and I am putting it as I see it.. Cancer is ugly, debilitating, miserable and a destroyer of lives, morale and bodies...Let me, at least, face the reality of my situation rather than always having to 'put a brave face on ' for your benefit.
Oh, and just incidentally? That doesn't mean it's going to get me...Uh uh..no way... But it does mean that I can face my enemy full on, in bright light, knowing exactly what it is I am facing...rather than being befuddled by rose coloured glasses....
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war...... Minerva is on the war path...
Minerva
Technorati Tags: breast cancer, hope, fight, cancer, think_positive,
29 comments:
My mother had breast cancer and still I cannot say that I know what you are going through. I can say, keep writing - somehow words do have the power to heal us in ways we never imagined possible.
It's your space Minerva, to put your feelings, thoughts, frustrations and anger, successes, etc. Let it FLY.
I know I could never understand, having never walked in your shoes. I had a smidgeon of a taste, when they thought I might have tumors on my brain. (I still remember that feeling, and I sure wasn't able to "stay positive" all the time.)
You keep writing, I'll keep reading.
(((HUGS))) through it all.
3T
I'm not a religious person...
but...
AMEN, Minerva. Keep on crushing the 'optimism brigade.'
No euphemisms, no sugarcoating, just Minerva.
NWC - Lovely to have you over here and thanks for sharing about your mother...
Welcome..
3T - As long as there are readers like you, I will always be writing..
Amanda - I am not religious either as you know..but a great angel rousing AMEN to that...
Minerva
Thanks for your honesty. I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to share this with my committee tomorrow evening.
I hope to let you know how it's received, as well.
Thank you.
Okay, I promise never to say that again....(stay positive....etc.). I cannot share your pain, I know, but I can share your hope.
When I start thinking about all this deep shit you've been writing about lately (I think we are under the same moon or something), I go back in my blog and read old, non-cancer entries. Hey. I'm easily amused.
It's nice to remember that the old, funny me is still in here somewhere. Living in the shadows. And she will come out some day again when all of this is over.
I give you permission to be pissy on occasion. It's the piss and vinegar that will help you kick this cancer's ass. Much love, D
Just want to let you know that you have a way with word. All that I have read on your site is good, I like the way you just put it all down and let everyone know how you your first hand experience. Keep up the good work and stay strong! Much respect for you~
GREAT POST, Minerva!!!
I love this because it is honest as all hell..and that's the best!!! You are so right that we need to know all this, too, because then it keeps us from wearing those "Rose Colored Glasses"...I know you don't do this for us, but it's a real side benefit that is like finding nuggetts of gold.... and I thank you for that, with all my heart.
hello, hope you are feeling ok today. gosh i never have anything profound to say.anyway hope you are feeling ok today.
Hey! I've haard that if you dance under the light of a full moon, whilst swinging a cat by the tail and singing the entire score of the HMS Pinafore it will help.
Oh no.....wait........that was me after too much whiskey. No it won't help you at all (although thsoe around you will be quite entertained). Never mind.
Hey Minerva...Raehan sent me over to meet ya! You've got a great honest attitude going on that I adore ;) Keep the faith. ^j^
It's good that you don't have the rose coloured glasses on. You can't truly fight something that you don't see honestly. However, I do think there is something to say about having a good attitude. Not necessarily a 'positive' attitude but one of fight... one of hope, one of willingness to do whatever it is going to take to get the cancer out of you. Attitude is important.
Like Kenju, 'fraid I'm guilty of commenting on positive thoughts. If my comments got you on that warpath, sorry for that.
Wishing you a sunny day.
I don't know why people think those with cancer should act a certain way, I don't have it and I have days where I am not up beat and positive. One thing my husband did not like about it was how that is how people defined him; oh there goes...,you know he has cancer. He felt a bit of his privacy was taken.
Make your plans, if they fall through, so what, people can be flexible.
Justrun - Please do share and let me know what they say..you may be interested in my older posts about what to say and what not to say to someone who has cancer....
Kenju - You have always accepted the good and the bad, and been encouraging...That is not what I meant in this post when I talked of those who just say 'be positive'. Those people refuse to let one be down or unhappy about the fact that they have cancer..You have never been like that..and I LOVE you being here....
Deb - Pissy vinegar is good, isn't it? Fun too, but only in small doses...
Joann - Thank you for visiting and commenting - you are welcome anytime...
OOLOTH - I am so glad that i have got to know you..Your comments always bring a smile to my face and I count it as a privilege that you read my blog - Thank you...
Fen - Don't you DARE be negative about yourself..your pictures are superb!
Rainypete - I wasn't thinking of being arrested and it is quite likely that if i did what you suggest in public, i would be!
Poopie - Thanks for your comments and i really really want to know why you decided on that name...
Beth - Of course attitude plays a part but you can have gumption and attitude and still feel upset that you have a life threatening disease...You are allowed to feel down too and that is what my post is targetting - those people who won't even accept the fact that having a life threatening disease does make one down sometimes....
Terri - You must be KIDDING!! I am so lucky to have wonderful readers like you who buoy me up and keep me going... If you read my answers to Kenju and Terri, my argument is with a completely different kind of person!
And my fight is my fight against cancer..not anything or anyone else...
Hope - I agree but there are expectations..Either to go gracefully or just lie down and let it take one over...
my God you write beautifully.
and please keep away from the Gold medal table....
Watching you!
Cancer sucks. Truly. Too many of my close relatives and friends have had it.
I offer you hugs. A shoulder. Whatever you need--ears for the venting, even.
**Justrun - Please do share and let me know what they say..you may be interested in my older posts about what to say and what not to say to someone who has cancer....**
I hope my post didn't offend you. I certainly only meant to express to you how your words could touch so many. I really enjoy your writing as did my committee.
Thank you.
I have precancerous cells lurking deep with my body and will, I have been assured, someday awaken to a more tentative future. So I say, "Fuck it!" and carry on knowing that on May 23 I will be biopsied again; and so on every 6 months until C rises from its slumber to remind me that "happily ever after" really is just in fairy tales.
The clarity of each day is like never before. When in schools, I let the students understand that my most important objective is to have fun. And I can rise above the most boring content to reveal the humour within its crusty core while, at the same time, silently screaming, "FUCK THE FUTURE!" for laughter can be only heard NOW.
May sunshine and smiles invade your spirit and smash the invisible enemy that lies within! FUCK THAT ENEMY, unless it can make you laugh.
I was in no way suggesting that you can't feel down at times... sorry if I came across that way.
Love you, Minerva xx
Way to go lady!!! Oh - and the people who annoy you? Give them a wedgie as they walk by... it'll make you feel better every time!
Oh dear...I meant only to get at a certain number of the population and some of the most wonderful people are taking it to mean them...
Beth - Never, never in a million years, would I mean you...
Just run - I was honestly just interested in what they had to say and was HUGELY flattered that you would take my posts and show them...
DF
right back at you...
GMAN - I would love you to be my teacher - I bet you are a complete inspiration...
T - good idea..*grin*
Running2ks - Lovely to see you over here oh gold medal winner....*bows down*
David - And what gold medal table would that be? *innocent look*
So glad you are holding up. I have lost several relatives to this deadly cancer. Keep strong
Dana said...
Minerva! I realize I write this everytime I post...but I love how you express yourself!
I especially loved the part about feeling your tumor and being glad it's not colon cancer! I find I "feel myself up" several times a day...just to make sure! I just have to make sure and NOT do it in public! ha ha
You are always in my prayers!!
As Always...a truly no Bollocks Minerva POV. Keep it coming girl and dont forget you have an army of fans waving your flag (Yes, Evn those in 7MT!) Big love as always. Your (very lame of late) friend, Jx
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