and reality. The three week cycle culminates once more on Monday with my sixth treatment. With Christmas and New Year, it seems as though a whole year has passed, and indeed, I suppose it has, from 2005 to 2006. Strange how so many of us seem happy to be kicking 2005 out of the door. After the year 2000, I can honestly say that 2005 was the pits. Arguments with family members dominated the first half of the year, and cancer has loomed over the second half.
But in with the new school term flow in the same doubts as I had last year. I keep vacillating between carrying on teaching in between treatments, and thinking that I really shouldn't be working as I am not doing it to the standards I expect. Normal requests that my colleagues ask me start spirals of self-doubt and worry that spin in my mind until the next day. Scales tip constantly in my mind - should I relieve the school of the 'burden' of my presences and renewed absences?
The fact is though that, for me personally, giving up my efforts at continuing work would be thoroughly detrimental to my mental wellbeing. Work gives me so much; a reason to get up, a reason to be sociable and something to talk, worry and even think about apart from my health. I really don't want to be one of those people who only talk about themselves and their illness and I can see that happening if I stopped work.
But am I being selfish? Would it be better for those kids if they had a constant teacher rather than one they like and respect for two weeks out of three? With my surgery coming up too, that is also going to be quite a long absence...
Oh, not for the first time, I wish I didn't have a conscience. There are people at school who take off time for the most trivial of reasons and don't seem to have a pang of guilt... and then there is me, who is agonising over whether I am letting the 'kids' down by only being there most of the time with cancer... Or maybe, the tiredness is just getting to me and I need some rest...
I am sure, with time, the answer will come to me...
Minerva
20 comments:
hello, figured i'd say hello. hello. (shall i repeat that again, hello. i like this font) i've been a totally remedial blogger recently and just spotted a comment you made. i take all photos.
your energy is amazing. and stay teaching for all the reasons you state (and as long as you want to). i've just gone back and forth writing and erasing exactly why, but can't express it succinctly, but know i'm right. there's certainly some students who must be relieved when they see you walk in after an absence and that seems enough reason.
Hi darling...
My vote, keep teaching. By doing so, you are teaching them about personal courage, and I think that this is probably one of the most important life lessons one can learn.
Trish
There was a teacher at my school (I didn't have her) who was out for months at a time because she had...um, whatever you call it when you're allergic to everything. I honestly think the kids didn't recall that she was their official teacher in the first place.
Out for one week and there every two? Not a big deal compared to that. Kids will understand.
Keep teaching. Kids are not vessels for teachers to fill just with curriculum content. Long after they have forgotten whatever stuff you taught, they will remember the person who delivered it. Did you read my Mr. Fleckser post? He was my grade 5 teacher who changed my life. Give it a read and STOP thinking of leaving your job. STOP IT NOW!
Minerva, I suspect that you are so good for the children; not just in teaching but just being there and bring the person that you are, that I vote for not quitting. What g-man said is true: they will remember YOU long after they forget what you taught. I bet if you asked the children what you should do - they would say STAY!
Two weeks of wonderful versus 3 weeks of medicore? Doesn't sound like a contest to me.
Good luck with your decision Minerva.
I don't know how old your students are, but I can tell you how my son felt in the third grade. His teacher's husband was dying, and she took off the last two weeks of school to tend to him. In my son's ego-centric world he felt that his teacher had abandoned him. He wanted to share the end of school year parties with her, get the farewell hug and kiss from her, say good bye for the summer to her. He felt robbed that she wasn't there.
I had a teacher in grade school who had skin cancer... it was obvious that some days she wanted to just put her head down on her desk and sleep. But, she was the best teacher I had even through my subsequent learnings... I recall the experiences in her classroom first and with the most fondness.
Not that my opinion counts for anything... but I would suggest working as much as you can for as long as you can. But DON'T push yourself into being worse off.
That is a hard one. You are right though, "with time, the answer will come to [you]."
:)
I made a really long and uncharacteristicallt intelligent post and blogger ate it.
Just remember who is important, Minerva - you - the answer to the rest will come.
Oh, and if my daughters ever have a teacher who is half the person that you clearly are then they will be blessed
xx
You keep doind whatever you feel is right and thew rest will take care of itself. Your students will likely learn more from your presence than your absence. If your teaching is anything like your entries I would have to say the children benefit greatly from your presence and would be negatively affected with your absence. They are likely as relieved to see you come back as you are to get back.
Kids are lot more resilient than you think and a lot more empathetic than most people realize. Keep up the good work.
Please keep teaching! If you are up to it. The kids need to see you and your grace. They will know what it is like to overcome something huge and horrible. You hadn't planned to teach them this, but here you are. STOP the guilt and enjoy every LITTLE thing in your life that you love! To the fullest! NOW! And every day!
I say stick with the teaching, I am willing to bet that all of your students would say the same...
My stepdaughter has a teacher dealing with chemo treatments right now and it hasn't been a problem for her. I think there's value in your students seeing what you're going through. They're at an age when they think that they're invincible. Maybe you can teach them strength and courage in the face of illness- in addition to their coursework!
Maybe one day, one of them will be dealing with cancer and they'll look back and remember how you faced it.
I can empathise with the dilemma you have here. You want to do what is right for everyone; and it matters to you what is right for the students. It is a hard call and there may not be any perfect answer. Maybe a best fix?
Oh you wonderful people - your opinion counts for so much...it really does...
I think a lot of what I am feeling is because I have been unprepared for a new teacher joining us who has swapped classes with me. In the sudden handover, it has been very obvious that I have not got a full grip on coursework and stuff...and I felt awful...
But your support, and the joy of the kids I am teaching keeps me going...
Minerva
Well, looks like the consensus is to keep at it hon :-)
A clash of responsibilities. To yourself, to get better, to keep your energy levels as high as you can to fight this thing. Versus to your young charges, to whom you can give so much and who look to you.
Keep it under review. What's right now may stay being right, or the picture might change. You must ultimately come first.
But putting yourself first can mean carrying on at the school too. Could it be part of the therapy...part of helping to get better?
I want to echo some of the things others have said. You are a teacher Min. And what better lesson can you teach than one about courage, perserverance and meeting a challenge. In the hurly burly of the school it mightn't seem like the children are paying much attention, but if your experience has helped any of them appreciate life, to understand what's important more fully, then you have done a lot.
Which makes me wonder - could you talk about your cancer to them? Is there a forum that would be appropriate? They will face such things in their lives - some will face them in their families now or soon I guess. There are many insights about life, about illness, about values and love which you have expressed here...lots of uplifting and powerful thoughts. I'm sure that in some way you could pass them on to the children. It's a 'difficult' area and children get absolutely no preparation for this part of life(I certainly didn't before my world caved in aged 13-14). They'd remember you and thank you in years to come. A true teacher.
And from them, maybe you can take the chance to draw some of the energy - physical, spiritual, emotional and turn it inside to replenish your stock sometimes?
Jo x
Hey give up the guilt. I too am a teacher and I feel that even though you may be out from time to time the kids will learn a great deal more from you and your situation then they ever will from the other teachers. You never know what kids learn from you and quite often it isn't what you think it is. KEEP ON WORKING!!!!
d
Any Day Above Ground Is A Good One
If you feel up to it physically, add me to the list of "keep teaching."
I have to agree that you are giving those kids memories and life lessons that no text book ever could.
All the best to you, Minerva, as always.
"Oh, not for the first time, I wish I didn't have a conscience. There are people at school who take off time for the most trivial of reasons and don't seem to have a pang of guilt... and then there is me, who is agonising over whether I am letting the 'kids' down by only being there most of the time with cancer... "
Stop agonizing. Right now. Or do i have to come over there, again???
Kisses -- Minxxxxxxxxxxxx
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