Today I have officially stopped working. I am too tired, and too stressed to continue. Yes, I am still inspirational in the classroom itself, but teaching, sadly, is not all that teachers do. It is much like an iceberg in the sense that the classroom part of it is really only 10 per cent of the job. We also have to plan and assess, mark books and deal with difficult children. I cannot, do not have the emotional and physical reserves to deal with the hidden part of the job at the moment. I was in tears four times today, none of those times in lessons, more at realising that I am not doing the job the way I want to do it. My marking is weeks behind as when I come home, I can't do anything else but rest. I honestly struggle to fix myself supper some days and there are days, namely every Friday, when I can barely get myself out of the car.
I have, though, done more than everyone expected at school. I have shown that having cancer is not necessarily a licence to just give up the job and take an extended holiday. I have tried, tried to deal with this horrid illness by working, but my body, my stamina and my emotions have let me down. Whilst part of me is extremely relieved, half is frustrated and irritated that the job I love is beyond me but twinkling at me just out of my grasp at the moment. That is the key - at the moment. I too believed that going in every day was teaching the kids a lesson about perseverance, that cancer didn't mean that one's life had to stop, but I believe now that I am teaching them another lesson. The lesson is that there is no shame in realising that you cannot cope, that there is no shame in stopping before it becomes a calamity, and no shame in realising that when something like this happens to you, the priority is taking care of yourself, and your children.
That is what I am doing.... and there is ample time, when I return, to teach the kids the value of not giving up, of returning as a cancer survivor, and that people can live, can survive and vanquish this horrid illness..
On with the war...
Minerva
24 comments:
The diagnosis of cancer was devastating and filled me with fear. I did not do well on chemo. The first round: I could not keep the anti-nausea medicine down and I dry heaved for nine days. Sorry, there is no nice way to describe it. Three weeks later, and a week after the second round: I had lost 38 pounds and was too weak to get out of bed. I could not take care of my chidren. And it was in that moment I felt a rage well up inside me so intense that I am sure it burned a hole in my little universe. It was a moment I will never forget. I said " This is bull s**t. You (cancer) will NOT steal my life away from me, and take the things that are meaningful away from me." This is when I went to war internally with cancer. It picked a fight with me, was laughing it's ass off at me, and I became determined to beat it. I was afraid of nothing after that moment, I felt no more devastation. No, I metaphorically painted my face, donned my warrior head gear, raised my sword, and prepared to fight until only one of us left the battlefield.
You will be back in the classroom. But for now, the battlefield calls. You are Minerva, Warrior Woman.
You are one of the strongest women I know of Minerva! Taking some time, to see to your well being and return to good health, is a wise decision.
I will keep you in constant prayer.
(((HUGS)))
3T
Minerva,
It is not only your students who learn from you. There is wisdom in your words.
You are in my prayers.
Lae
Darling Min...
I sense that you partly feel that you have failed because you can't go on working.
I'm here to tell you that this is complete nonsense.
I have so much respect and admiration for you, and have always been in awe that you could continue working for this long.
And i know i'm not alone in this.
It's time you allowed yourself to conserve all your energy for that battle in which you are embroiled. You're entitled.
And all power to you.
EMxxxxxxxxxxxx
It sounds terrible. Certainly no holiday.
If you need any errands done or want to go for coffee or sometime or anything really -i'd be happy to get you started with photoshop if you want (if you have energy for such trivia)-call/email me.
I'm glad you came to a decision Minerva, rest now.
You are an amazing woman, Minerva. After reading this post, I sat here and cried for you. I am so sorry you had to give up something you love. BUT it's only temporary. You are strong, when your body may be weak. You will fight and you will beat this. I have faith in you. And I think of you sometimes and hope and wish you well.
Teaching is a job that doesn't stop when the kids leave at the end of day: marking, planning, thinking,...
Your priority is you and it seems you have made a difficult, but wise decision.
If I were you, I would be focused primarily on getting better, and if that means more rest and leaving the job temporarily, all who care about you will definitely approve of your decision. YOU are the important one here, not your job. The latter will see your return!
Making the decision was the hardest part. Now you can concentrate on your healing and recovery.
Minerva, please remember that wonderful things very often come from times of trouble. It is possible that you will emerge from this on a completely different path than from where you began and it could very well be a better one.
I know you were worried that, without teaching, you would focus too much on your health and troubles. Well, maybe you are just meant to use this time working on your book. Let yourself become submerged in it so that it takes your mind off everything in your life except what's in front of you...all those lovely letters forming lovely words.
In the meantime, all of my best wishes and most devout prayers. Don't give up the fight.
Rebecca
Having been a teacher--albeit for only six months before Navy life, baby life, and caretaking life caught up with me--that you have done all that you have done for as long as you have is remarkable. You ARE teaching these kids marvelous lessons by simply being in their lives. You've made cancer both more real to them, and in ways, less frightening. And you ARE inspirational and you are a TEACHER, whether you are in the classroom or not.
Bravo to you for having the wisdom to realize that your body needed more, and that teaching (in a classroom) can wait.
Until then, your life will be the inspiration and lesson for many, including me.
love,
Val
Minerva,
The boys will miss you, but you WILL beat this and you WILL be back.
I'll be rooting for both.
You never cease to amaze me, Minerva. Of course you are doing the right thing. When you mentioned earlier about teaching and whether you were doing the right thing to persevere, I never thought about all the other stuff you have to do along with the classroom teaching. Take care of yourself and do what you need to be strong. That is the most important thing right now. Praying for you - and wishing you strength.
This is the best thing for you... and I know without much doubt that this is exactly what you and your students need.
hi minerva! i can imagine how painful that decision must have been for you. at least now, you can really devote time to your recuperation. am sure it'll just be a matter of time before you come back. my thoughts and prayers are with you. :)
get your rest, dear. right now you're teaching them to care for yourself and that sometimes you just have to say "enough" and take care of yourself.
like you said, there is plenty of time to teach them the other things later.
rest up, take care of yourself, and fight, fight, FIGHT!
I've always loved the saying, "When the student is ready...the teacher appears." Your teacher "appeared" and you listened. Bravo for you! Only you know what's best for you. Sending you lots of good energy. Rest, take care of yourself and know that your words here are an inspiration to all of us.
That really got to me.
You are... Amazing.
I think that is the only way to describe it.
Well done, Min. A hard decision to make, I'm sure, but a wise one, I'm equally sure.
Lx
To paraphrase Sun Tzu, sometimes you have to retreat in order to fight another day. Wisdom comes in knowing when. And you, my dear, are a wise woman.
Well hon, it's all been said...
One thing at a time. You need this space in your life to focus, to gather your strength. And you will.
All I can add is a heartfelt hug((((()))))).
Jo x
Well done! Each day you can plan what lovely nourishment you are going to make or heat up for yourself. You are going to enjoy the sunrise and the sunset and write wonderful words that please you.
Time to meditate; time to do nothing; time to cry and time to hope. It's the next stage of the roller-coaster. You haven't given up, just got into the front carriage to steer it a bit!
((Hugs))
I'm glad you're taking the time you need. My son's teacher (first grade) has been going through chemo treatments for breast cancer for the past several months. I honestly don't know how she has managed, but I admire her strength enormously, and yours, too. All the best to you as you continue your fight.
Having just been through chemo and radiation myself I am amazed you worked as long as you did. Myself, I didn't even try but took time off almost immediately. I think each person's body reacts to treatment differently and each occupation has different focuses that may or may not facilitate working through treatment. I think you really have to do what is best for you. I imagine some people HAVE to continue to work to keep their medical coverage. Living in Canada means I don't have to do that, thank God. I am just so happy taht you did what was best for yourself. You'll know what you are up to going back.
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