is currently governing my life. I can't, don't want to do anything. I am not honestly sure I really want to even continue living. I keep looking forward, at the lonely, dark filled corridor of my life and wonder if this is it. Sure, some windows along the way are open, and the drafts of sunshine fall onto the wooden floor stirring the dust within and highlighting the specks in its rays, but for the main, I am not really living, just existing.
Tonight, the mist fell over blue grey hills and it looked as though some giant had smudged the painted horizon with his thumb, blurring the difference between hill and sky. The fields, so french in colour only Friday, looked grey, as though all life had been sucked from them. The air, the sky looked cold, cold, grey black, diffused through smoky glass and the branches scratched high against the dark sky.
I know that I could raise my chance of beating this thing if I exercised, if I ate well, if I went to sleep early and if I took my supplements but something, inside me, just keeps telling me it is going to get me, that this thing will be the end of me... I think a lot of this has come up due to an email I received a couple of nights ago. Meant to help me, this person told me about their mother who had fought breast cancer for 11 years before it killed her, and her doctor had told her that it would always come back.
This just encapsulates all my hopelessness, all my despair and my sense of fruitlessness. Why bother? What, is worth living for, if it is pointless? If it is going to get me in the end, why go through the grief of fighting? My mind keeps telling me to just give up, to lock myself up in depression and throw away the key...
I am obviously going to check this doctor's opinion with my oncologist next Monday as a tiny part of me out of sheer bloodymindedness, if nothing else, just a fragile whisper of hope flutters in response like holding a moth in the palm of my hand. My lack of hope is holding me back like that grey blue smudge tonight, I don't know where my life starts and ends. I just don't know when, or even if, the light, the joy, the sheer exuberance of life will come back.
But even tonight,there was some variation in the darkness. As we crested a hill just before sunset, in the sky were streaks of pink, of orange, gold and red as if slashed by the painted claws of a tiger... I just hope, that like that beautiful, colour drenched sky, hope lies just over the next horizon....
Please, if you know someone who has beaten breast cancer, if you know someone who has not had a recurrence for however long, tell me, tell me so that I might re-arm myself. You can either let me know in the comments here or in an email to me....
My armour is looking thin, my sword blunt and my shield seems to be splintering...
I need your help....
Minerva
54 comments:
I think it might be about quality rather than quantity. Making the days you have unforgettable through thought and deed, rather than measuring the days you have in pure numbers.
Just a thought
Lx
But, to be honest, that attitude just makes it worse because then I feel guilty that I feel this way..if that makes any sense at all...*sigh*
Minerva
Min
My mother.
Don't forget this story babe. It's 1976. She gets breast cancer and has one breast removed. Six months later, she's back in hospital, and the other one is removed. Serious serious stuff, chances aren't good etc etc. Radiotherapy follows, plus tons of surgery (she couldn't have chemo because of the menopause - or at least she couldn't have what they gave back then).
1976.
30 years ago.
This year she will turn 80.
Cancer 110% gone. Defeated years ago. No longer at any 'higher risk' - in fact she hasn't been for years and years...
Many many people have beaten this. Believe it.
As for why stay alive...?
Because you take so much from life and give so much.
Because of how you see life, the pictures you paint in words, the insight you have.
Because you love, you have lots more love to give, all stored up ready.
Because you are loved so much, by your chidren, and by others.
Because so many many people would miss you.
And ultimately, simply, because you are going to.
Hugs
Jo
Minerva,
My second cousin Barbara beat breast cancer. She underwent a masectomy, and then had reconstructive surgery, and has been cancer free for some time now. She was in her early 40's when it was detected.
My grandmother fought the cancer which started in her breasts and spread to her lymph nodes. She managed it, and lived the rest of her days in comfort and peace until she passed from other causes.
A co-worker with whom I was very close with was diagnosed with breast cancer very early, and with chemo and radiation, her tumors were shrunk. I know she is doing better now.
I have seen the face of this and know your fears and struggles first hand, and I know you have the strength to go on.
I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Pink Ribbons for you...
- Jeff
Min...just found this for you. Not looked through much yet, but could be worth a visit?
http://members3.boardhost.com/bcsuccess/
:-)
Jo
Minerva - What times are good for you for the Olympics?
Hey hon...don't want to monopolise this thread...cos I know you're about to be flooded with support anytime now, but have just been over to my blog and seen your post about my mother!
Yep, you're right! She can be a nightmare ;-) But she's a very much alive and totally cancer free nightmare!!
;-)
Jo - Your comments are like wine that flows into my veins and reinvigorates me...thank you..
Jeff - Such a list and that is so heartening...except that the one that is most like me is your grandmother for it is in my nodes too...Forgive me please for the pessimism - it is just flowing over me at the moment...and has me in its grasp...
Jo - I will check the link..
Barb - I left a comment on your blog...
My husband's Aunt beat breast cancer, and there are many others.
i feel like I should let someone with more experience help you with this. I have heard of so many with breast cancer who have fought it successfully, but the names are not coming now.
Hug.
Raehan - please don't feel that way...I want everyone who reads this blog to try and tell me someone...even if they are nameless..I just want to know that it doesn't ALWAYS come back...that there is an end, and that there is, at the end of my long dark corridor, a door out into the sunshine...
Minerva
Oh my friend, I believe very, very strongly in a light piercing the darkness. And sometimes that one teeny tiny streak of light across the darkness is all I can grab onto. I am praying that you will be able to get hold of it--maybe just with your pinky finger... and that it will bring you into a place of radiant hope.
I have a friend named Vonnie who had all but given up when things got bad with her Stage 3 breast cancer, and things started to click and she has been cancer-free for several years.
Some friends of mine from college also know of a woman who had Stage IV breast cancer... all looked like it was lost, but she rallied, and is still around today. (don't know how long ago that's been, but I think a few years at least).
The lady that my Dad is currently dating is a TWELVE YEAR Lung Cancer survivor. And LC stats are dreadful.
You are going to join their ranks. And then it'll be your story that I'm telling to encourage someone else.
love,
Val
I'm here via Michele and just read your blog. It touched my heart. I hope that you do not give up hope. I don't know anyone who has had breast cancer but I'm sure there are many out there who have conquered it. (((HUGS)))
Dont allow yourself to feel so awful... Its only going to take away from the energy you need to live everyday to the fullest. I dont want to say to much ... But I agree with everyone above... things work out in ways you just dont expect.... I know someone who made it through all the bad in a similar situation and ended up with so much more (friends, fulfillment and appreciation) after all the support along the way... dont loose hope.. thats an easy thing to do.
michelle sent me have a happy monday
later
one of my gf's from high school has a history of breast cancer in her family. her mother had it and she discovered a lump in her breast when she was in her late 20s or early 30s, can't remember exactly when, it was years ago. anyway, she had her breast removed, went through the chemo and radiation, basically was living in hell, as i'm sure you are feeling right now. she's my age, 48, she has never looked healthier or happier. this is something you can survive, while your body must physically feel exhausted, you need to keep a healthy frame of mind to get you through. cancer can be beaten, you need to accept this.
i'm here from raehen's
Minerva, the only thing I can say is that I truly hope you understand that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you are going to come out of this. I can't say I know how you feel, but I certainly wish I could do something to make the pain go away. MSM.
Minerva,
Anything, ANYTHING, can get us at any time, any place, for any reason. So to say that your going to give up because it will get you eventually... well we all get "got" eventually honey... some sooner than others.. others no where near soon enough ;). It's not when you die, or how you go... it's how you lived while you were here. I know the pull of depression all too well.. how easy it becomes to give into it, how it sucks the energy, the magic out of everything. But you have to fight. Get mad, throw things.. what your going through sucks ass and you have every right to be pissed off... and take the energy and passion you drum up from getting mad a fate and use it to enjoy your life again. We can't control death, or any of the 1000s of ways it may come upon us, but you can control how you choose to live your life. It's yours Minerva, don't ever forget that, live it with passion, with anger, with love, with insanity... how ever you want to, but live it.
HUGE hugs to you doll...
Tracy
Your writings here are an inspiration to many who are in their own personal pain, be it physical or mental or both. That you, at times hit bottom, only reminds all who visit that you are real. And you can be no more than that. This evening I offer an invisible, yet very real hand for you to hold for a moment. Know that this hand is from a friend who visits you often because there are times when I get lost within myself. You are a reminder to me that my life is real and that it is my responsibilty to make it meaningful even during times of sadness.
Well, if you just are looking for single stories, my husband's Aunt, is doing great. It's been almost ten years. She's enjoying life and grandkids.
If I could I would wrap my arms around you and hug you so hard that we would both end up giggling. Then I would tell you it has been 13 years since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. More than thirteen mammograms that came back negative, at least 20 blood tests that showed me cancer free and yet, as you know, I am still scared and probably always will be. It is a fear that all survivors live with.
When I first joined an American Cancer Society self-help group, I went to five funerals the first year. I almost quit going to group. I didn't want to lose another friend, but something happened and with new advances the same old faces were there month after month. Thirteen years later, our group seldom meets unless we are called on to talk to and reassure someone new to Cancer.
I hope this helps. Never be afraid to express your fears. They are all of our fears. Do you know how much your words meant to me when I was going through my yearly fear of the mammogram and the new fear of Macular? Degeneration?
Minerva, my heart broke when I read this entry. I wanted to somehow bridge the distance so that we could grab a tea at a local coffee shop and swap thoughts on how best to navigate this.
I know so many people around me who have fought the demon and won. My grandfather lived a long, fruitful life despite the Leukemia that threatened to kill him at every turn. He refused to let it, and he became my inspiration in the process.
I know it's normal to ride the cyclical wave of major illness. I grew up in a hospital, and I know the feeling. I still have difficulty putting into words what hopelessness looks, feels, sounds and even smells like. But a child's wheelchair perspective of the drab, windowless gray halls has served as a starting point ever since.
If you can take strength from something, I hope it's in the color you infuse into the lives of others. Your fight, your stubbornness, your honesty in sharing every last aspect of your life...these all come together to give others, whatever they are fighting, the strength to go on.
The previous comments are testament to how much light you bring to the lives of others. Keep fighting, Minerva. Don't let the idle words or thoughts of an individual throw you off your focus.
We all need you. And we all need more folks like you.
Oh sweetie..this made me cry..
Please do not get down because of stories that people tell you. Most of the time I think that people are just trying to have a bond with you..to explain that they understand not realizing exactly WHAT they are saying. There are SO MANY survivors out there.
I have an aunt and a grandmother that both have survived. I am going to survive my cancer. You will survive yours.
We all have these dark unforgiving days. Let them have their way with you and then release them. Just by reading your blog I know that this gloominess will not stick with you.
You are better than this cancer.
You will be fine.
My two friends both went through chemo, radical mastectomy and radiation. They are cancer free TEN years later.
I know what you feel and what you're going through. My brother's wife (my sister-in-law) has been fightng with breast cancer nearly five years now. She has undergone masectomy also and cancer cells has reached her lymphnodes on the left arm but was removed. She has surpassed her chemo therapy and her linear therapy thanks to God for that. Now she is under medication only that she has to take for 5 years and religiously at that. Quite expensive but the will to live because of her 2 kids gives her the energy. She did not quit her job and is still working to keep her mind away from her predicament. So far her cancer has not recurred. She was diagnosed Stage III. Life can't give you joy and peace; it's up to you to will it. Life just gives you time and space; it's up to you to fill it.
I'm sure your country is much more advanced in medicine and medical technology than us here in the Philippines. You may just be feeling this way now as a result of the chemo therapy you're still undergoing. I have a sister who works in a hospital and they have good doctors. If you want to, I can give you her blogsite. She also blogs. Just let me know if you desire by leaving me a comment.
A thought for you today. Hope it enlightens you. Life is so precious. Life is not a problem to be solved but a gift to be enjoyed.
There is only one world, the world pressing against you at this minute. There is only one minute in which you are alive, this minute, here and now. The only way to live is by accepting each minute as an unrepeatable miracle. Which is exactly what it is - a miracle and unrepeatable.
Minerva,
I haven't been here before but I have heard a lot about you. (good, of course)
I encourage you to read the Bible and if you already do, read it even more. It tells about what is important in a life. See especially Ecclesiastes 12:13
In my prayers,
Carol
My mother was diagnosed about 20 yrs ago, treated and has been cancer free for the entire time.
It's possible to beat this... you CAN do this... you WILL do it. I believe in you.
Minerva,
The list of breast cancer survivors I know keeps growing. I could start to list them all, but I fear I may take over your entire blog. You see, my list starts with Pat (age 32, 5 years cancer free), Cindy (6 years cancer free), and then there is Mary. She was 39 at diagnosis, 2 nodes, stage 2 (2 years cancer free).
My high school teacher, Sister Francis, is a 25 year survivor. Let's not forget Cynthia (4 years), Roberta (1 year), or my oncology nurse (16 years).
Last February I went to a 5K walk to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. I was standing in the survivor tent when I noticed all these women had stickers on their shirts. I saw a sticker with the number 7, one with the number 15, one with the number 2, one with 12, etc. I asked if there was going to be a drawing and one woman said, "No dear, that's how long we've been survivors."
With that the tears started falling. She smiled and went over to the table with the stickers, got a pen and said, "What number do you get?" I was puzzled because I had yet to identify myself with survivors. I quietly said that I had only been diagnosed 8 months ago.
She wrote down 8 months and as she affixed the sticker she said, "You are a survivor from the first minute you start fighting this beast."
Minerva, you are already a survivor. You are already winning with war because you choose to fight. Don't let go, don't let that evil monster win.
I believe in you. I know that deep inside you have the strength to fight to the finish.
Oh yes, today my sticker would read 19 months.
Hugs to you, brave girl.
Minerva,
Here's another long-term survivor to add to your list: my mother's best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer, with some lymph node involvement, when she was in her mid 40's. She survived 20 years before dying in an accident a couple of years ago.
My husband is a survivor of two different cancers - one in his early 20's, the other in his mid 40's (two years ago). While neither of his were breast cancer (though I know a man who is a 5-year breast cancer survivor), I have seen him at the same sort of low points that you are at now. These, too, will pass, Minerva.
Keep asking for the support you need, and hang on tight to all that you love about your life.
My aunt - 10 years after a double mastectomy, radical chemotherapy and radiotherapy - cancer free and enjoying life once more.
P, L, S - all women I have worked with that have been free for between 9 and 3 years now.
C - an inspirational woman that survived breast cancer only two years ago. She was given a very slim chance and now walks hundreds of miles to raise awareness.
Much love to you xx
Minerva my love. great big hugs. 1994 was my breast cancer year. Double mastectomies in Feb. I understand all your fears. They creep upon you like a thief in the night. The worst case senerios (sp?) lea p out at you. But darling when the New Year rang in I said 1994 what a bore, 1995 I am alive. And I am still going strong. I love life and I don't think of the what if's, I just rejoice in the day.
This so called well wisher sounds to me like the type you met when you are having your first baby, you know the type, the ones who just want to tell you their own horror stories.
Keep the faith my dear. Your mental health is a big part of your recovery. I was so determined that the bugger wasn't going to beat me. It is certainly a battle. You against them.
I highly recommend a book of hope. The Choice by Bernadette Boham.
And don't forget, for every story you hear like the one that made you feel so bad, there are so many more that are positive. The reason you aren't hearing them is that for many, that part of their life is tucked away while they get on with their life.
Bless you my love, thoughts are things and you have so many good ones winging your way.
Margaret
margaretnan@hotmail.co.uk
I have a good friend of mine in Dallas that has had breast cancer. Dont know all the details but she has been diagnosed free from it 2 years ago. Big hug comingyour way *HUG* - when can I give it to you in person????!
Can I just say one more thing? Why do people feel the need to tell you about someone who died from cancer when they hear you have cancer also? It is the most assinine thing a person can do. It would be like telling an expectant mother about all the miscarriages you know about or the still births. No one does that. Hang in there, Minerva. What that person said has less to do with your fight and more to do with his/her own issues.
My Mother went under the knife and here she is now, four grandkids and 12 years later with not so much as a hint of cancer after her checkups. The doctors have declared her clean and it is no longer the key topic of every medical visit. All this after the first doctor missed the diagnosis and decfided her general malaise was simply menopause. By the time her second opinion had been secured her cancer was in her abdomen and she lost part of a lung and most non-essential adbominal innards. If she can survive after a hack doctor let cancer roam free for almost a year, you're chances are pretty damn solid.
The lengths some women go to in avoiding menopause......extreme I tell ya!
Minerva,
My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer a long time ago, before Chemotherapy was at its best, and went through treatment. She beat cancer and stayed cancer free for about 27 years before she died of a massive heart attack (I speculate she died of a sad heart) in 1990. I was 12 years old.
You can beat this. I have faith in you. You're a strong, courageous woman. Sure you have your down days, maybe they even outnumber your good days. But I know that you truly want to live, and because of this you WILL live. If you give up hope, then you're not fighting the cancer anymore and it will consume you. THEY say that a positive attitude, and a will to live, are also key to cancer survival.
I have faith in you.
I HAVE faith in you.
Let me say it again.
Minerva, I have faith in you.
As I think you know, I'm an RN and I'm here to say.....although I can't give you names and each and every story, even "I" am amazed at the cancer survivors (especially breast cancer) taking people well into their old age. Yes, Minerva, there are millions of survivors and you WILL be one of them added to the list.
I felt such sorrow when I read "it's going to get me in the end." Minerva, IT (death) is going to get all of us in the end...the unfortunate thing is right now you're up close and personal with it on a daily basis...unlike the rest of us. Hey, girl, where's that kick-ass attitude you displayed in so many of your posts? Grab it, hold on to it and KNOW that sunshine will be enveloping you once again.
And although that emailer meant well....It made me angry, as you can't have any "negative" surrounding you right now. ONLY positive....and I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts.
Minerva~
My mother. Who after her double mastectomy almost three years ago, (She had it done on Valentines Day) continues to be cancer free, working her job as a Nurse, living life to its fullest. Yes, they will always keep a closer eye on her, then those who have not gone thru a battle with breast cancer. That is just common sense. But I have heard of women who battled breast cancer, and have continued to be cancer free 20 years later.
Let the email run off "like water" dear Minerva. Just because someone puts something in written word does not make it the gospel. You are seeing example after example of women who have beat it! You will too!
I don't think you would be human though if you didn't have moments battling with doubt. Consider those moments the enemy, and battle them too!
You are one of the strongest women I know. I know you will get thru this doubt and fear as well.
Sending love, hugs and prayers.
3T
my best friend beat breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy 3 years ago. she goes back regularly for checkups and they have seen no sign of recurrence.
my mother in law had breast cancer 20+ years ago. she had no insurance so she signed up to be used as a guinea pig for an experimental cobalt treatment. she had a mammogram just months ago and no sign of anything. over 20 years.
oh, and my grandmother had a single mastectomy 15 years ago, no recurrence.. and my great grandmother had a radical double mastectomy before I was ever born . She lived 20+ years and died in 1991 at 81 years of age. never another hint of cancer.
This is my first time visiting your site but I must say this one of the most brutally honest, throughly beautiful things I've ever read. Just by reading your words I can tell how tired you feel, but your inner strength also shines through. You will make it through this, unbelievable though that may seem. Take things one day at time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, tackle each moment. We all have faith in you and your ability to prevail.
Kestrel
I have a friend who was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer in 1994. Eight (yes, that's 8) lymph nodes were involved.
Fast forward to present day. Disease free.
Why did that woman tell you that? Further, why did that woman's DOCTOR tell her that? I would seriously question that doctor's credibility, because no doctor in his/her right mind ever speaks in absolutes. Ever.
Let me recommend a site that has lots of survivors: http://waywardwaif.typepad.com/rs/
(I came here from Raehan's place.)
Oh Minerva--having read the comments I don't know what I can add
Duh, or course I can--AIDS was always supposed to be a death sentence; yet I have seen people who had been diagonesed with full blown AIDS at the the beginning, alive and healthy today. Some with normal or near normal tests
While I'm not a really spiritual person I do believe in miracles.
More than that I believe in the power of the human mind--and also the collective power of many minds sending out thoughts
Please don't let an unfeeling email get you down though I know how easy that it is
My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer in the early 80s. She had a masectomy and went on to live a very normal life and died in 1994 of old age. Not the most uplifting story ever, but technology has come a long way since then and if my grandma can survive breast cancer when she was in her 70s, so can you! :o)
I'm with Jeanette... that maybe well-intentioned person is a total jackass.
I wonder why it is that it takes so little to knock us down when we have tried so hard and for so long to tentatively and slowly build ourselves a wobbly tower of hope. Steadyish, but definitely fragile. Why can we not accept that the fargility comes from within ourselves, and take strength from our inner core to fortify said tower?
We should, we really should. And i direct the remaining part of my thought solely at you. You don't need to let one measly, misguided and thoughtless person knock you down. Not when, instead, you can use the strength and fortification of the 40-plus commenters (on this one post -- you old CW!) who love you, cherish you and have every faith that you will not only survive, but go on to continue a happy, fulfilled and above all long life. (Me included, of course.)
All my love
Minxy xxxxxxxxxxxxx
I have at least two friends who've beaten breast cancer (and others who've beaten other types of cancer). One of the people I'm thinking of has been cancer-free for around 10 years now.
So there sure are people who've defeated the big C, and you have to believe that you will be one of those that do!
My sister in law has been breast cancer free for 9 years now. Keep the faith. Attitude is EVERYTHING!! Don't listen to any other type of story as it will pull you down with it.
d Any Day Above Ground Is A Good One
Almost forgot... a friend of my wife's has been cancer free for better than 12 years now and it was in her bones and had to have a bone marrow transplant. Keep the faith.
Aw Min! I, too, wish I could hug you and know the future. But I can't hug you today (though mentally and spiritualy I am!) and I sure as hell don't have a clue about the future!
You have to go on. We haven't had a chance to have lunch together yet! And I'll even buy!:)
xoxo
Aw Min; it is times like these that you wish for a little Chemo Brain. Any foggyness to erase that insipid email.
My MIL had breast cancer at least 12 (if not more) years ago. She's doing quite fine and has had no reocurrance.
Take some time to wallow in the depths and then look down; we're all down here with you and when you're ready, we'll raise you up so you can see the beauty that is you.
(my laptop is dead and hubby's doesn't have my info - this is kathy from hopalog.com)
My friend's mother and sister have had cancer and survived. In fact, just this weekend, he posted that his mother's cancer is practically gone. Even the doctor couldn't believe it. She was only given a couple of months to live when she was first diagnosed. Here's his site: http://zenvw.blogspot.com/
Everyone I know who survives credits a positive attitude. Believe that you will beat it! Connect to the spiritual power in the universe to make that happen. Try reading Wayne Dyer's book on "intention."
Minerva, I have a friend who is a 15 year survivor of acute myelocytic leukemia and I know several people who have survived breast cancer 8-10 years at least. Please don't give up hope.
Hey Min,
My ex-sister-in-law is a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed with cancer about 8 years ago and she is fine now.
My 71 year old Aunt is also a survivor - she had a masectomy 5 years ago and she too is fine.
Some people do beat cancer. Why shouldn't you be one of those people?
Big hugs and healing thoughts to out to you.
Love
Deb/sunburnt
One friend, Shannon, had breast cancer in her early thirties and is now pushing 50--married, happy and living in California. Another friend had a very aggressive type of breast cancer, but it has been over 5 years clear for her. This past month she went down to volunteer with FEMA in the Louisiana area. She is one of the most beautiful and vibrant people I know. Her name is Bev.
Minerva ~~ I had a mastectomy 26
years ago with no recurrence. So it does not ALWAYS come back. You should never have got that message, so just ignore it. Each
person is different and you have
shown your fighting spirit, so just EXPECT to survive. We do not want to lose you. Your friends and children need you and
you have many more things in life to enjoy. Have courage!!! Just one day at a time!!
I cried through this entire post/comments. I'm not much further a head of you in fighting this disease. I worry, I hear the "stories", and I get scared about the future too.
I can say though, when I was in the middle of my chemo treatments, "the thoughts" were at their worst! Now that I am DONE with treatment, my mind is more clear and the dark depression is gone. All those chemicals really reek havoic on the brain as well as the body!
I have met SO many BC survivors...too many to list! They inspire me, they keep me going. We can beat this aweful disease and join that list!
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