is looming out of the fog, like a giant tree in mist. Chemo again. It has been so long somehow that I have almost forgotten the state of unreality it puts me into. The sixth treatment out of eight. Strange how so many people that I have 'met' have told me that chemo passes amazingly quickly but actually, you know what? I am not going to give in to the remorseless cheer and agree but tell you the truth. Chemo stinks and those days that I am ill crawl by. I hate it, hate the sickness, hate the extra saliva that pours into my mouth and hate the way that just thinking about it starts the churning in my stomach.
With only three more to go, my mind, like an eager pony, is yearning after the surgery, wondering where, when and how it will happen, and the logical part of me is restraining it, holding it back, refocussing it on the one hurdle ahead, rather than the end of the race. To be honest, a lot of this is because I am afraid that if I look at the road ahead, the end of chemo, the surgery, the radiotherapy and then the hormone therapy, I will just pick up that great big white towel and throw it into the ring. There is still so much to happen, to deal with, and I don't know if I have the stamina to deal with it all - I have to bite it off in chunks and allow one part to digest before looking at the menu for the month...
And it doesn't help with the blogs I have read. Yes, I have read so many inspirational blogs on cancer, and many are on my blogroll. But there aren't many/any of women who have been through breast cancer, survived and moved on with their lives. This week alone, I have read two blogs of women,here and here, initially diagnosed with the same as me, lymph nodes and all, who are now dead. Their blogs are incredibly inspirational and moving but I don't know if I can deal with the idea that like them, who fought just as bravely if not more than I am trying to, it still got them in the end. I seemed to start off so postitively believing my doctors who told me it wasn't about palliative care, but about curing me, and now? Now, I hover in self doubt, my feet are weighed by the mud of care, and I see no clear path through the dense trees before me. I keep thinking about how those women probably thought it would never happen to them either. Is it better to be prepared and ready for death or is it better to be indisputably positive and deny its possibility? I really don't know, I can only keep asking the questions.
But I do know one thing - I do know that I want this blog, this series of intimate thoughts to stand for me, to act as help for future women who are temporarily hijacked by this disease, and when, not if, when I do come through, when these days are but memories, I hope that this blog will stand as a lamp in the forest, a flickering candle to those going through this same process.
Minerva
29 comments:
The dark night of the soul...
As you once said to me, 'I've got an excuse to be up this late...what's your excuse?' Well, as ever, reading your words...
There are no 'answers' to your questions Min. But then you know that. We all walk in the bottom of a valley, unable to see over the crest of the next hill.
One thing though, before I say anymore...I believe in you. I believe you will beat your cancer.
This latest is a very touching and honest post, painful to read and clearly painful to write. But in one respect I don't think you're being fair on yourself. You talk of the two poles of response to your situation - being "prepared and ready for death or...indisputibly positive and deny its possibility?"
I have read great honesty in your words. I have never seen you deny the possibility of death in your optimism. That possibility exists for us all - you have been faced with a reminder of that and have visibly grown as a person in that knowledge, valuing those around you, yourself and life. You have learned a lot Min, and we have learned from reading your words.
For others who have not had to face cancer or similar, our world is inevitably an easier place, but also smaller, thinner, shallower. One cannot know what light is till you have a concept of dark, the day means nothing without the night. You know something about life that I don't. I know this about you because you've written it here.
So I don't see someone on these pages who is either morosely accepting the inevitability of death, or glibly denying it. I see someone who is facing her challenge with courage, grasping the whole of it and being honest with it. Someone who should be very very proud of herself.
And is it actually 'better' to 'be prepared and ready for death...or be indisputably positive and deny its possibility'?
Neither.
It's better to be doing exactly what you're doing, being real, honest and being you. What you need to feel and face you will find the resources for as you need them. Take yourself back 9 months and ask yourself if you could have remotely imagined that you had it in you to face what you have faced and dealt with thus far? You've found something inside, not always consciously, sometimes though pain and fear, that I bet you could never have predicted you had.
Why should that desert you? Well...it won't. Count on it, even when you can't feel it. It is part of you. Everything that you have shown about yourself on this blog so far demonstrates that.
Nite nite hon
Jo x
Oh Jo,
Your comment is so moving, so heartrendingly caring - I am so touched...
Minerva
Minerva.
Death will get us all in the end. The questions at stake here are, "Have I taken fullest advantage of my time here; am I living a life that I'm happy with?"
I know that for you, the answers are yes. You are a strong and beautiful soul; we have never 'met' but I feel this through your writing.
To use your own words, even if it does get you, IT WILL NOT WIN.
love,
amanda
Thank you for stopping by today. I think of you often, believe it or not, because a very close friend of mine has a wife who is at just about the same point you are in your treatment. Many days when I read your blog, you describe feelings that she is having as well.
You are an inspiration to us all, even those who are without cancer. I hope more than anything that this is a Happy New Year for you, that you will begin to feel better once your treatment in finished.
All the best to you...
xoxoxox
PG
I personally know two women who have beat it. They had chemo, then radical mastectomy, then radiation. They are still alive now, years later.
The friend I had that did not survive did not have access to medical care at first and I think it was a little late when they found it. I also questioned her subsequent medical care and also she did not have a very good or positive support system. I sometimes wonder if she just gave up.
I think you are someone who can beat it, and I think it's important to try to be positive.
Attitude is everything, even in the midst of being prepared. It's always ood to be prepared if for nothing more than to be prepared... but it is far more important (at least to me) to keep a good thought and keep hoping for the best of the best.
As a line in one of my favorite movie says: "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things..."
I should think that it is well to be prepared for the worst while expecting the best. I suspect that a bad final result is hastened by a bad attitude, or at least not hindered by it.
Many have overcome it, Minerva, and I believe that you have the strength to do that as well.
One thing I am sure of, that your writings here WILL stand as a beacon to many in the future, whether you are here to add to them or not. Your willingness to tell about the illness as it happens, and not pretty-page it, can only be helpful to those who are or will be going through it. Your willingness to share your thoughts, your fears, your frustrations and your hopes will and have already helped many, many people.
It's normal to falter during the treatment, but don't lose hope, Minerva, I pray.
Minerva - My mother has been in remission two years. I think of you often.
Best wishes and my thoughts and prayers are with you to fight and beat this wretched disease.
Minerva,
No need to look ahead to the next 3 treatments, surgery and everything else. Face your difficulties as they confront you...one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. Trying to overcome everything at once just depletes your energy unnecessarily. You are dealing with all the bad stuff more often than you need to.
And, remember, these treatments are not just a source of sickness. You have had some wonderful results because of them and you aren't done yet. Try looking at them as another attack on the beast and focus on how much more shrinkage you might be gaining.
You are doing so great, Minerva. Look at what you survived last year. The disease didn't get you and neither did the thug. Self doubt may be normal under the circumstances, but we don't doubt you. We know what an amazing woman you are.
Minerva, so many so much wiser than me have spoken and my words feel inadequate. You make me humble, your spirit and your honesty shine out.
Every time I come here there is so much that I think I will say, but it is never adequate. I will be here though, today, tomorrow and every day after that.
xx
I applaude your strength but most of all, I applaude your honesty...both with yourself and with all of us here. Your sharing is so heartbreakingly honest. All of the comments here today said it all, so I won't repeat.
I just want to say, I'm an RN and I can honestly say yes, during all the years of my career I have seen many and I mean, many, women not only survive breast cancer, but go on to reclaim their lives in good health.
Your fears are normal. But it isn't your fear that stands out in your words and feelings here. It's your high level of positive energy, of which you might not always be aware. Keep that positive energy, because although I can't explain it, in my nursing I did come to realize attitude was EVERYTHING in healing the body.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, Minerva and have you in my prayers as you receive your chemo.
Hi Minerva. Thank you for your comment. If you would like advice on domain names and the like from one newbie to the other, I would be happy to provide it. Once again, thank you.
And also, thank you for introducing me to those two blogs. I cried reading them.
my best friend had a radical mastectomy several years ago. At the time I barely new her. I am so glad that she came through and i've been allowed to realize what a wonderful person she is, and how much she means to me. i am also glad that you are here, blogging. your story means much to meany. we are all here rooting for you.
You'll be in my prayers Minerva, as you start this next round of chemo.
With what jo stated so eloquently, I like all your many readers, concur. You are an amazing lady, and I believe with every fiber of my being, you will beat this, and move on to reclaim your life completely.
You are in my prayers and thoughts, daily.
(((HUGS)))
3T
Minerva, we survivors are out here. I read your blog every day and feel now I should have sent you a comment earlier. It is 11 years since I had double mastectomies and I have come out of the end of that long tunnel and the air is sweet. I love life so much and give thanks every day that I have this day. If having this bastxxd disease has done any thing for me it has taught me to live just each day at a time. I know this week is going to be one of the hard ones but next Sunday night will be here soon and we will be around waiting to hear from you again. Take care and all hugs and love to you, a very special lady. Margaret
No lie, I'm crying right now. You really are an inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
As others have said, you are in my thoughts.
no great words of wisdom here, except that i will be thinking of you and hope this shit ends soon...
you're a great writer by the way.
You are a fine writer, and read your posts so often. You have mant friends in the blogworld who care about how you are.
Hi Minerva,
The two blogs you compare yourself to are not a fair comparison to you. The reason you don't find more blogs out there by survivors is because they are either out there living and not dwelling on the canacer any longer or they are writing baout what is current in their lives -- other topics, other issues. You are responding to the chemo and the cancer is shrinking away. Don't let its evil self-doubt sneak in and destroy your will. Don't let it win! Your (yes, YOUR, not other people battling cancer, YOUR) strength and determination will get you through. Trust me. I've been there.
Sending you hugs and love and strength for the journey!
Jeannette
Min;
Averages, curves, statistics and all are informed by data that both falls below or rises above the mean.
Your reactions, your thoughts, your honesty all rise way, way above the mean. You were born to wreck the curve, girl...
And let's remember: that's WHEN, not IF.
Lxx
hugs to you Sweet Minerva...
btw...while chemo for me was only 6 months...i HATED it...and at the time, it felt like the longest 6 months of my life...today, not so much...
you are awesome...
wishing you strength
and -
peace...
Love, Strength and Peace are my prayers and wishes for you, Minerva.
A big hug...
I'm just going to leave well wishes and hugs for you, because I don't think I can come up with any good words.
(((HUGS)))
Here via Michele's
All I can say is that this post resonated with me VERY strongly. Thank you for the lantern in the forest. I often question myself about how I am feeling and how I should be feeling and how does a person deal with all the fear that goes along with this. More fear than I ever thought imaginable. I am seeing a therapist now who is a 8 year breast cancer survivor who says that the important thing is to talk about what we are feeling and not worry so much about the hows and whys. Just getting to talk with a survivor is reassuring to me. On another note having been finished with 9 chemos just this September and finished with radiation too the chemo seems so far away. Very unreal and not at all horrible. I think I could even go through it again if I had to. Somebody said it was like childbirth. I have never done that so I cannot confirm or deny... But I can remember it feeling endless while going through it. Then it is over and you can hardly believe it.
My double mastectomy is on Jan 23rd. I wonder what new mental things will come up then...
Minerva..you are an amazing woman..and the bravery it takes to write about your journey..Everything,..the good, the bad and the awful...is awesome to behold! Jo said it all, my dear Minerva...and others too...
Writing all these feelings is a wonderful way of getting out all that you need to and I encourage you to do just that....You are an incredibly strong person and you will persevere...I think your attitude is fantastic...(Of course there will be some doubts along the way...You wouldn't be human if there weren't..but, the fact that you ARE speaking about your cancer through your blog...God knows how many other people you are helping by doing this Minerva, though I understand that is not the reason you bagan this writing...) Writing all this will stand you in good sted, I know it will with all my heart!!!
I will be thinking about you tomorrow, dear Minerva...and all during this week as well, and on from there, as well, too!
No one can know what you are going through except other cancer patients and other cancer survivors, and even then, YOUR journey is your own..and as a few people have said, take it one day at a time, or one hour at a time or even one minute at a time, if that's what you need to do...but know that I, along with so many who have already spoken here, send you all of our strength and good positive energy to help you on this journey...this often lonely journey, I know...
You are loved and cared about Minerva and you are an inspiration to me and to so very many other people, too...
Hugs & More Hugs Now & Tomorrow, dear Minerva....
Forgot to say, I'm here from Michele today!
My husband's grandmother has fought and beat cancer. She is in her mid 60's and her health was not very good to begin with. That's just to give you an idea that even the weak can beat the deadly disease. I was moved by your blog and I truly believe that you are a strong person. There are many people that pray for those that are battling cancer. Have faith in the Lord, becuase through him all things are possible.
Live Strong and keep writing!
Londinium said it for me...
Not if. When.
And i know this shit... trust me, i'm a minx.
Love you honey -- lots! Thinking of you now and always.
EM xxxxxxxx
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