Time flows past me behind a glass window. I can see it move, see the sunshine rise and fall against the back wall, and feel the wind rattle my windows, rumble the roof and flap the tarpaulin against my daughter's bike outside. I sit, here in my house, alone, always alone, and like an island in the middle of a fast flowing river, time flows around me, beside me, but never with me. I am oblivious. I sit, here, here in this little space looking back to the past, looking forward to the future, feeling the present slip through my fingers.
I have no life. I have not gone out to a restaurant since September. I have not seen a man alone since I was diagnosed either friend, past lover or future. I have looked death and illness in the eyes, I have seen the shadows of the intruder in the mirror, I have lost my self confidence, my looks and my charm. I am but a shell of the person that I was only last summer.
I am sitting on a lonely island in the middle of a fast flowing river. The life I have, the life that I unwrapped that September afternoon is not mine, and yet.... I keep peering at the label on the parcel and hope that it is the life of the person next door, that this particular package that came through my door was misdelivered, but all I see is my name, my address but opening it, I see nothing at all. Where has life gone and will it ever come back?
Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don't understand
I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either
Robbie Williams
Minerva
14 comments:
Darling... i don't know what to say to lift you out of this slump.
It is temporary, of this i am sure. And i'll be with you soon, to prove it.
Minxxxxx
I've got you in my thoughts right now, Minerva. Stay strong. There are so many people who love you out here.
Minerva,
My prayers are with you. I wish I could do something to cheer you up. But please know that I a with you in on the island if only in spirit. Continue to be brsve and strong. Love.
Minerva...I'm so sorry you are in this place...I wish I had the words to cheer you and to let you know there are people out here like myself who care...I know you know that and I also know you must travel this road alone...though there a lot of people out there who would travel with you if they could...I guess that's one of the hardest parts about this, isn't it...one is so alone in this terrible journey...I hold out my hand to you Minerva...it's right here, my dear.
Message to all Blogfriends of Minerva who know her 'for real' (as it were). I know there are a few...
Get on the phone to her and take her out! To a restaurant. To a film. To a show.
I would if I could.
(It'll pass Min. Promise. Do realise that you are perhaps at one of the hardest, lowest points in the valley through which you are walking, with the poorest view. You'll climb over the crest of the hill soon hon and see the sun)
Jo x
hey, if you ever want to step out for a cup of coffee, whatever. just e-mail me. i'll cycle up to your area. heck i can even leave the office in the afternoon, my boss won't mind. you can cancel at last min. if you realize you are feeling crap. i would not take offense. i'd even cycle up in the rain/sleet. i won tix to see a writer last week, my friend could not make it at last min. but i realized during the evening that you would have enjoyed it too. anyway i hope something happens to make you smile today and take care...love fen
Minerva, if I could come to England and take you out to a restaurant, to shop, to a spa - I would. Please know that this is but a temporary way-station in your life. It will get better.
If only I can reach you through this blog, you can hold my hand 24 hours a day or as much as you need my hand. My hand will serve as your help.
BTW, in one of my comment to your blog, you must have laughed at one of my comment when I said revoke it. What I mean rebuke it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope it will be soon that you can move on with your treatmets. The waiting is always the most difficult.
There are no words to make you feel better. I just want you to know I care and I have you in my thoughts and prayers.
What do you say when you can't find the words to tell it like it is?
Min. this sucks, I know it does. If I had the power to take it away, to deliver it to someone else, I would. But alas, I can't.
Cyber hugs out to you... and good thoughts, lots of good thoughts.
My prayers are with you. Though this is occupying your thoughts now, know that you are occupying others thoughts, as well.
Fecking ocean. You need a visit and I can't swim that far. Not fun! Maybe my lottery number siwll come up and I can afford to fly over and take oyu out for a pint. May the sun find you soon.
I think you need to go out and spend some time doing something you love to do. If you let the cancer stop you from doing this, it has beaten you in a way... and that is truly unacceptable.
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