has swung again. The nausea is retreating, like dreams upon awakening that recede into the dark creases of the curtains only to come out when your eyelids fall once more. I am bruised - that is true. A strange side effect of these daily injections to raise my white blood cell count is that I feel like I have had 5 rounds in the boxing ring with a very heavy fighter. My shoulders and arms are sore to the touch - I can't even lean against a hard chair, but, as they say in the bible, this too shall pass....
I keep wanting to plan, to move forward with my life.. I feel like I have elastic attached to my feet and they struggle onwards and keep being snapped back by reality, by cancer. Procrastination has always been one of my worst faults - it has held me back for a lot of my life - something, somehow always keeps me from doing from what I want, need, desire to do.. One of the great things about Cancer, is that you no longer have that security - great did I say? Yes, today, great. How many years are you going to wait to do what you really want to do? Have you made plans for your retirement? I know I had thought of writing my book once I retired..but suddenly, that retirement plan isn't looking so certain. Hell, I may be fine, and writing away, or this cancer, once in remission, may come back and get me before then.
It is time now, not tomorrow, not later today, not later this week, this month, or this year, but now, right now. Right this second, stop your life. Press the pause button on the life CD player and look, hard, at that CD in the player. Do you need to refocus? What are you waiting for? That next paycheck? That next date? That next holiday? WAKE UP! Stop putting off those things which you see as rewards - put them in your life right now because, my friends, you never know if you will get that chance.
I know now, that I am truly mortal. Yes, we all have this awareness that we are going to die someday, but it seems far off, pushed to the back of the cupboard, hiding in the dark creases of the bedroom curtains. My darkness has come out, has raised its head, and showed me that this could happen anytime. Cancer could take me this year, next year, or anytime in the next 60 years. Death won't wait for me, so why the hell should I wait for it?
Think it, plan it, do it, and do it now....
Minerva
I keep wanting to plan, to move forward with my life.. I feel like I have elastic attached to my feet and they struggle onwards and keep being snapped back by reality, by cancer. Procrastination has always been one of my worst faults - it has held me back for a lot of my life - something, somehow always keeps me from doing from what I want, need, desire to do.. One of the great things about Cancer, is that you no longer have that security - great did I say? Yes, today, great. How many years are you going to wait to do what you really want to do? Have you made plans for your retirement? I know I had thought of writing my book once I retired..but suddenly, that retirement plan isn't looking so certain. Hell, I may be fine, and writing away, or this cancer, once in remission, may come back and get me before then.
It is time now, not tomorrow, not later today, not later this week, this month, or this year, but now, right now. Right this second, stop your life. Press the pause button on the life CD player and look, hard, at that CD in the player. Do you need to refocus? What are you waiting for? That next paycheck? That next date? That next holiday? WAKE UP! Stop putting off those things which you see as rewards - put them in your life right now because, my friends, you never know if you will get that chance.
I know now, that I am truly mortal. Yes, we all have this awareness that we are going to die someday, but it seems far off, pushed to the back of the cupboard, hiding in the dark creases of the bedroom curtains. My darkness has come out, has raised its head, and showed me that this could happen anytime. Cancer could take me this year, next year, or anytime in the next 60 years. Death won't wait for me, so why the hell should I wait for it?
Think it, plan it, do it, and do it now....
Minerva
Labels: breast cancer
posted by Minerva at 2/02/2006 07:45:00 PM
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21 Comments:
Isn't it odd that it takes something like cancer to make us (and I include myself in this) realize that we don't have all the time in the world.
I have things I'm putting off until some undetermined future time, and why? I hope your feeling of "do it now" doesn't fade away as you suspect. Rather, let it be the start of something wonderful!
(So glad your nausea is fading!!!!!)
Excellent advice to anyone, whether they have cancer or not!
Gosh. Yes, I agree: "Death won't wait for me, so why the hell should I wait for it?"
You are quite right.
Thanks for that. I needed that push today, though it seems for no good reason now.
Thinking of you.
thank you friend for that wake up call. I better plan my trips - and then plan how to carry them out. Great words - good advice. I hinted to some that your archives are a gold mine, and they are.
Death won't wait for me, so why the hell should I wait for it?
Words to LIVE by...
take care
nina
I love this post. It's so raw. I've got tears just streaming down my face. I battle depression and have come through so much crap. Lately I feel like I've been sucked back down but I am more empowered this round. I needed to hear this. It's such a waste of my energy.
I'm linking of you as well as keeping you in my prayers. I hope they are welcome. I found you through Amber.
Thank you for being real. Breath of fresh air.
Cheers,
Kdubs
Yes, it is so true that upon dueling with the cancer beast, we change our outlook on yesterdays, todays and tomorrows. It is often bittersweet as we try to get a grasp on it and do all that we want to do before .............
And the fact does remain that regardless of when or how ..... doesn't have to have a thing to do with cancer when the time comes for us to move on from this earth ... we will indeed move on. Cancer just gives us better vision of how fragile life really is and a better perspective of how quickly it can be cut short.
I too am doing things in a much different order than I did prior to cancer. There are some things that I no longer put on high priority anymore and other things have moved to the top.
Hugzzzzz,
Mary
...Why the hell should i wait for it? Good question! I for one do not want to give it a bad answer! Facing death, we all are, is the best mirror to facing life!
Damn powerful words Minerva. Just the wake-up call I needed today, thank you xx
As always, your words are an inspirational and none-too-gentle kick up the backside.
Thanks, Min.
Minxy xxxxxxxx
Thank you Minerva.
And that's what I am doing. I am set to fly 2000 miles away to another country to live with the love of my life. I am, excuse me, SO FUCKING TERRIFIED.
But it's exciting.
Such good advice. Thank you.
Glad to hear the nausea is easing up.
And how very true....tomorrow is guaranteed to no one. Carpe Diem should be everyone's motto!
Very well said. I'm glad the nausea is starting to pass. That's just such a horrible feeling. Maybe, does ZoFran work? I remember they gave it to me when I was pregnant, and vomiting multiple times daily, they said it's normally used with chemo patients. Strawberry flavored tablet that melts under the tongue.
Anyway, I talked about you in my Thursday Thirteen yesterday. I know you've got a lot going on and probably don't spend much time reading other blogs. Basically said what I've told you directly, you are an inspiration. I lost my god-sister to cancer years ago, and there's a lot about you that reminds me of her.
All my best for a happy and peaceful weekend.
A
Thank you for sharing the lessons you're learning. None of us knows when our time is up, we may not have years or months or minutes to prepare ourselves, so better to hear such words and act now. Hmm, right this minute? I'll try.
Wishing you well, J
Hey, and CONGRATS on your award!
Lx
Minerva - Congratulations for placing at the BoBs! Your writing is wonderful!
Such good advice Minerva. I think I need to do this. Thank you, my dear.
You know, every time I think I'm having a horrible day, I stumble across your blog in my blogroll and read about your days and how well you deal with them. Even the bad ones.
You're truly one of my heroes.
Well said. Death could come take any of us at anytime. We should all live as if this is our last day.
I am glad that you are starting to feel a little better.
Yes, absolutely! Thank you for the wake up!
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