I feel like a spluttering volcano inside: I feel so angry. So hot fat spitting, bomb crackingly, ear splittingly, dust hurricanely angry. I want to pick up all the furniture in my house and shatter it against walls. I want to write out a huge petition and give it to which ever creator seems to be governing my life right now.. WHY ME?
Why do I, indeed, why does anyone deserve this awful, life threatening illness that takes away one's confidence, one's presence and one's illusions? I keep trying to hold on to the threads that lash the net of my old life, but I see the tears in the fabric growing and see it slip through my hands, the tightness of the threads leaving tiny burns as they go.
Yet I look to the horizon, and what do I see? Nothing, sheer, dark illusive nothing. I see no life, no love, no laughter, no thing that shines through the darkness.. No, if anything, I only see more darkness - the stay in hospital and the weeks, the days of radiotherapy treatment....
I can't even see my old job there - all has shifted like a kaleidescope, and even then, the colours in a kaleidescope are nothing without the light to see them by. My light is going out - when shall it return?
Minerva
Why do I, indeed, why does anyone deserve this awful, life threatening illness that takes away one's confidence, one's presence and one's illusions? I keep trying to hold on to the threads that lash the net of my old life, but I see the tears in the fabric growing and see it slip through my hands, the tightness of the threads leaving tiny burns as they go.
Yet I look to the horizon, and what do I see? Nothing, sheer, dark illusive nothing. I see no life, no love, no laughter, no thing that shines through the darkness.. No, if anything, I only see more darkness - the stay in hospital and the weeks, the days of radiotherapy treatment....
I can't even see my old job there - all has shifted like a kaleidescope, and even then, the colours in a kaleidescope are nothing without the light to see them by. My light is going out - when shall it return?
Minerva
Labels: breast cancer
posted by Minerva at 2/23/2006 11:26:00 PM
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14 Comments:
Hey
Things look bleak at the minute but you've come so far. You are a whole 6 months down the line. The dreaded chemo is almost behind you & from now on in it's about making sure the cancer goes & doesn't come back. There is so much for you to look forward to - you're only taking a break from work not giving it up. Spring is on its' way & seeing men by oneslf is hugely overrated. Why waste your time spending it with an ex lover? Daffodils are blooming and if you listen really carefully you might even be able to hear some birds singing. We're all here to take your hand!
The SIL
thinking of you.....
Min. Why indeed? You might say Why Not?
Who's 'supposed' to get cancer?
I wish you hadn't. We all do, and we feel for you hon. All we can do is just try to let you know that the sun will rise again. Just because it has dropped below the horizon doesn't mean it's gone out. And the hour before dawn is always the darkest.
Who knows what the 'reason' for you geting this dreadful disease was. In one sense there is no reason - it's simply that your number came up like the balls in some crazy upside down lottery. But tomorrow I could wake up with it, or have a heart attack, or be in a train crash, or slip down the stairs...
However awful it has been, you have grown in the experience. That's clear from everything you've written...
I'm holding a light for you here, until you are strong enough to hold your own.
It won't always be darkness.
Sending all my thoughts, strength and prayers your way. Best words of comfort..."and it came to pass".
Remember that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You just might not be able to see it until you are right up on it. :) It takes a while to feel like YOU again but trust me, the you that you remember will return. :)
Plus, if it would help and make you feel better to throw that furniture and scream at the top of your lungs then do it! :)
Oh, honey.
Hug.
HUG.
Now let's throw some more furniture.
Incrediable blog...I don't have breast cancer but a different one had it three times since 97.
Hang in there ...I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel...
Scream if you need to cry do what ever it takes.
There is life waiting on the other side .
big embracing hugs
This is the hardest part of the whole ordeal. You've gone so far down the tunnel in progress onyl to find yourself in the middle. You can't see the light from behind anymor and you haven;t goine far enough to see the light at the far end yet. Reach out to those you can and let them lead you to the end. It will come and you will soon be basking in the warming glow of the sun. That doesn't make it easier right now as we all can learn to fear the dark again under the right circumstances. Just remember that it's not the dark that's the enemy, just the mind.
Im here praying for you to get better.
*HUGS*
I have no words. so I send a *hug*
(((hugs)))
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