For the first time since I can remember I had a nightmare last night and woke with tears on my cheeks. I dreamt that I was in a follow up appointment with a doctor whom I hadn't met before. A female in a white coat with glasses and a sombre expression she was telling me that 'upon further analysis, the cancer I had would definitely come back, that it was only a matter of time and that I would die from it...'.
I remember in the dream itself trying to struggle to assimilate the news. My mind was divided: it seemed that reality was somehow trying to fight the unreality of it all and my head, like a half cheese was split in the middle. I woke with tears, with the fear of never seeing my children grow, and of never living the life I was born to lead.
As the bedroom walls emerged from the half darkness, I realised it was a dream. So strange that the reality of my life over this last year has been as a real nightmare and only when the experience is over, does it become a bad dream, a phantasm of the mind. Reality has swapped places with horrors, and I am stuck in the middle, living...
A strange interlude.....
Minerva
17 comments:
Sounds horrid, poor you hon :-(
I guess it's to be expected in a way. As your conscious world moves on to deal with new challenges, new horizons, your subconscious will still be processing all this for some time, I guess. But I'm sure it will settle.
Yikes! The subconscious mind is a real nasty place.... but from this sort of dream/ nightmare it is good to wake up, and to find the life you cherish is stil here, waiting to be lived.
Peace and wholness to you!
Minerva - I hope your dreams catch up to reality soon. I'm so happy for your reality.
I'm so glad your real nightmare is over. So is mine. We can now breathe easier and get some sleep. xo
That's quite the way to wake up! On the bright side I dreamt that I would be successful and famous and that hasn't happened either so take heart. Good or bad dreams are just dreams.
25,000 quid???!! cheap bastard...
sorry, ignore that last comment, wrong post. Haven't been the same since I wrecked my Porsche...
Yikes, nightmares like that are just awful. The only silver lining is waking up. I hope the rest of your dreams are peaceful.
That has to be from subcouscious fears coming out in a dream, Minerva. I wouldn't worry too much. Focus on the good.
I agree with others here...it's just the fear of the past year surfacing while your mind is at rest. The mind is an amazing piece of machinery.
And I also agree with the others...don't dwell on the nightmare. Enjoy the reality!
Horrible, horrible dream. I can feel those hot wet tears.
Min, I can honestly say that cancer will be with you for the rest of your life. Even if you are blessed with good health for the rest of your years (which we all hope that you are!), the possibility of it coming back will always be in the back of your mind. But you will learn to look that fear straight in the eye, size it up, and tell it exactly where to go...and continue to live your fabulous life.
Cheers, dear.
--Amanda (from Cancer. It's not just an astrological sign anymore.)
I cannot say it better than Amanda said it in her comment. Those of us who have survived cancer will always find ourselves balancing fear and hope. You will find your own way of dealing with it. As you already know, blogging is a great help.
*slips quiely in and leaves a home made banana and pecan bread and a bunch of freesias on the side*
I've been bad and have seriously neglected everyone of late. I'm glad to see, having read back, that life is returning to technicolour after so much grey. Much love to you xx
I think dreams are one of the most fascinating parts of our psyche. I've had my share of horrible dreams and then I've had many many bizarre dreams. Sometimes it's hard to figure out the meaning, if any. Sounds to me like your subconscious is maybe doing a little house cleaning and letting go of things it has held on to for a while.
But as others have said, at least it was one nightmare you could wake up and 'walk' away from.
xx
we want summer reruns at least - republish some of your previous posts, with a smalll comment to go along side, or a 'best of Minerva' or pictures of Spain, anything, please?
Keep your focus, hon. Our fears sometimes play naughty little games with us. It's a process.
Hugs!
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