This is getting to be too much. Yesterday a lesson ended in tears for me, and sleep seems to be eluding me at the moment. Why does certainty, even dreaded certainty, always seem more desirable than stressed innocence? Strangely enough I can deal with cancer, can deal with the thought of chemo and radiation, but I find the stress and worry of uncertainty hell.
I am tired too which never helps. Somehow physical tiredness seems to seep into my emotional reserves and my feelings are so much closer to the surface than they were. My patience has been chipped away and grains of irritation and occasionally flashes of anger seep through the buttoned down lid of rationality. And I do keep trying to be rational; keep trying to tell myself that it is unlikely that it is back; that if the doctors were worried, I would have been back the day after; that the chemo through my whole system must have killed off any lurking cells but still, still the doubts linger.
Three and a half days to go....