Bugger it's back and apologies to all you wonderful people who hate swearing. Yes, Mr Carcinoma got so fed up with his bungalow that he upped sticks and moved into my lymph nodes up near my shoulder.
This isn't good news, it isn't even bad news, I think it is one step further than that. This means that my breast cancer is spreading and to have a recurrence/spread less than six months after the end of aggressive treatment - well, it speaks for itself, doesn't it?
So what next? Scans in the next two weeks to check if I have tumours in my bones, my lungs or my liver, all of which are places that breast cancer tumours like to move to. I meet the oncologist next on the second of January to discuss which chemo I will be going on. So thank goodness I didn't get this interim growth cut and highlighted a couple of weeks ago as that would have been a complete waste given that it will fall out again!
The biggest shock? When the doctor told me that surgery was not an option; the main scapulaic vein is underneath and would make it too risky. That makes my cancer inoperable and therefore incurable; treatable, but not curable. I find that incredibly scary.
I have checked out the prognosis for secondary tumours in my other organs. Bone cancer will take a while to kill me but liver and lung will be very quick. The average life span for someone who has been diagnosed with liver cancer is 18 months. And that scares me absolutely stupid.
I feel I have so much still to do; cancer to beat, books to write and above all, and most importantly my own dear daughters to guide, look after and love....
That is when I start crying. It is also when I remember that it is Christmas, and that what my children need most of all is a fun Christmas with memories of their mother laughing and having fun and that is what is going to happen.
To you all, I wish you a very merry Christmas. May your family bring you all you ever need or want ,
Minerva
This isn't good news, it isn't even bad news, I think it is one step further than that. This means that my breast cancer is spreading and to have a recurrence/spread less than six months after the end of aggressive treatment - well, it speaks for itself, doesn't it?
So what next? Scans in the next two weeks to check if I have tumours in my bones, my lungs or my liver, all of which are places that breast cancer tumours like to move to. I meet the oncologist next on the second of January to discuss which chemo I will be going on. So thank goodness I didn't get this interim growth cut and highlighted a couple of weeks ago as that would have been a complete waste given that it will fall out again!
The biggest shock? When the doctor told me that surgery was not an option; the main scapulaic vein is underneath and would make it too risky. That makes my cancer inoperable and therefore incurable; treatable, but not curable. I find that incredibly scary.
I have checked out the prognosis for secondary tumours in my other organs. Bone cancer will take a while to kill me but liver and lung will be very quick. The average life span for someone who has been diagnosed with liver cancer is 18 months. And that scares me absolutely stupid.
I feel I have so much still to do; cancer to beat, books to write and above all, and most importantly my own dear daughters to guide, look after and love....
That is when I start crying. It is also when I remember that it is Christmas, and that what my children need most of all is a fun Christmas with memories of their mother laughing and having fun and that is what is going to happen.
To you all, I wish you a very merry Christmas. May your family bring you all you ever need or want ,
Minerva
Labels: breast cancer
posted by Minerva at 12/22/2006 12:04:00 AM
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72 Comments:
may you enjoy the day of Christmas and many days after that, knowing that you are cared for by many and loved as well.
Jesus most common question to people ( sick ) who he encountered: " what would you have me do for you?"
We are praying, and supporting, and so glad you are not alone.
Goddamn, Minerva. I am so sorry.
So, so sorry. I don't know what else to say.
Minerva, David alerted me to your post. God bless you and your children; I pray that you will get through the season easily and attack the cancer with chemo or radiation and a new resolve to beat it once and for all. I will be praying for you daily.
Obviously, this damn disease doesn't realize it isn't welcome in the lives of those we most treasure.
I wish I could be there to help you fight it off yet again. But I can't. Instead, I'll will you on from across the ocean: fight it once again with everything you've got. And please know we're praying for you, hoping that this insidious disease will leave you once and for all.
Wish I could find the right words to say... saw David's note on Michele's blog. I am sorry. No: I am terribly sorry but I am afraid that won't change a thing.
Merry Xmas to you and your daughters. May you find joy in spending the holidays with your loved ones.
Minerva, my dear friend. I am praying so hard for you here. I actually shouted at God yesterday for you. They say 'Ask and you will be given'. So I'm asking.
May the love of everyone here, of all your friends and your children and your family, of everyone you have touched with who you are, wrap around you, hold and protect you and make you feel safe this Christmas.
A strange word 'safe', I guess, to use just now. When you feel less safe than you have ever done before. Safe in all our love though hon, and the love of those close to you, always.
I don't know what to say, Min. I know I haven't been around for a while, but when we last spoke life was positive.
I'm with David - what would you have us do for you?
Please, please try and enjoy Christmas with your family and live a lifetime in every day then on...
cq
I've never been here before, but I will be following your story now. My uncle passed away from lung cancer this summer. My husband lost his father to lung cancer 20 years ago. My best friend's sister lost her battle to cancer at the age of 34. I will be praying every day for you that somehow, there is a way.
Minerva, have you noticed the level of support being garnered for you at Michele's? We hope that we can bouy you up for your next ordeal of chemo. We know you can fight this battle alone, but with our help, maybe you can deal a little easier. I hope so.
This simply has me in tears...Minerva, I'm praying for strength for you that surpasses all understanding, so that you can enjoy the Christmas Holiday with your girls.
And then more strength for this next battle. I am so so so very sorry you're having to endure this yet again. Sending you hugs, dear lady, but most of all those prayers of strength.
Love to you, and yours.
3T
Dear Minerva
I havent been here or commented for a year or more, and I thought I would stay silent, except...
Except that my MIL has had so many lumps removed that she jokes her bust has been replaced with a patchwork quilt. My cousin had her cancer down below and that spread to leg lymph nodes and also a shadow on her kidney, three years ago. They got to her in time and she's still here. In her case (as well as an almost total rebuild en-panty) they scooped out all the lymph nodes on one side 'just in case', left her with permanent oedema on that leg, but came back and admitted that the cancer had only made it into one single node, after all. See, they just can't tell until the nodes are out.
One node. Maybe chemo alone would have been kinder - she ended up having that anyway for the kidney shadow.
It happens, you CAN get through this.
I trust that, in the meantime, you qualify for immediate unchallenged disability living allowance. Take every penny you are entitled to, and spend it, spend it on having trips and fun with your children - good for all of you - laughter is the best medicine and the softest cushion.
Hang on in there - this IS do-able. I hope you don't mind me saying.
God Bless.
Dear Minerva, There is not much that I can say, except of course that I am so very sorry. There is not much that I can do, except of course to send loving thoughts your way. There is not much I can promise, except that YOU will be included in my prayers.
My wish for you at this time to experience a Christmas filled with precious moments.
Hugs....
As it is the season for miracles, I'll be praying for one for you. Michele sent me today :-)
I have some experience with the 'inoperable' monster... and I can tell you, my friend, that I have a lot of friends who have been told 'inoperable' (this with LC of course) that are going on with their lives and on and on and on. Beat that beast back... Tell him he can't be anymore than 'chronic.' Blast him to smithereens and give hit him with that beautiful 'Remission' word.
Most of all... know that I'm squeezing your hand from all the way over here in WA State, USA praying my brains out and knowing that this is going to be one more of MANY wonderful Christmases with those beautiful babes of yours.
love,
Val
minerva, i am so sorry to hear this. i have a dear friend whose IBC has metastasized to her bones. she has been sent home from the hospital to start her painful death. :( i pray that you are pain free.
My dear, dear Minerva. I am so sorry to hear that this awful cancer has returned. I wish I knew what to say. All I can think of is that you have so many friends out here who will listen to you; you are not alone.
The jungle drums beat loud for you Minerva.
What a complete bugger this news is.
There is no reason why you can not get through this again. Miracles do happen and they can happen to you.
Meanwhile, I don't know how one can completely prepare for things going either way... taking time with your children and extra treasured moments; memory boxes and the like all help.
At this moment I am holding you in my heart and surrounding you with warmth and love. You haven't "gone" yet and have so much to do - you can do it.
This is just the start of yet another unplanned journey.
Love and hugs
x x x
Dear precious woman, mother, human,
much love, respect and peace to you.
Minerva, I'm so sorry to hear that you're facing so much. Your story breaks my heart, but I can read through to see your nobility. Best wishes for you this holiday season - for you and your family.
(Here from Michele's, wanting to let you know even total strangers can care.)
Minerva,
I know you're probably in shock, and that you still don't know everything yet, but have you considered getting second/third opinions?
I know you're in the UK and that medical care is pretty much the same for everyone (OK, assuming here), unlike in the U.S., where it all depends on how much money/insurance you have. However, you might find that a major teaching hospital (Stanford, Johns Hopkins, etc.) might have cutting-edge treatments that could give you the best chance of beating this bastard.
It would be costly, but I think I'm not alone in being willing to donate funds. I'm not a popular blogger or anything, but many of the infertile blogs that I frequent have had some successful fundraisers for their fellow bloggers.
I hope I'm not overwhelming you. I just can't help thinking that you're young, you're otherwise healthy, and that with the resources you stand a chance against this thing.
I'm praying for you, my dear. And sending e-hugs.
Im a stranger but just saw your blog..its a long story how I got here...
I want to share this poem who was written for a friend who fought cancer...
Once was-a Melting Ice
I’m not going to drawn into grievance
It is enough-being a melting Ice
So it is time to break the silence
Breaking the Ice
I was once bitter and furious
Lived in denial-felt victimized with illness
Lucky to be surrounded with the family nearness
Gained strength from their love and tenderness
I knew I needed to fight-to overcome the turbulence
The agony was unnoticed
Becoming a voice
There were others- faded-mischance
Yet its hard admitting with boldness
Enlightening with awareness
Avoid others from this journey of steepness
To be able to teach that every hourevery
minute has so much worthiness
Rising from a fall is not easy,
but gradually learn to have endurance
Being a survivor-embracing life with gladness
copyright 2004, Nasra Al Adawi
Pls fight it...Be brave and you will get though it
As you fight this illness face it with all your might and face it with these words :
So You are the famous Cancer…
You came in without invitation
Invaded my life without my permission
All this time your were invisible from my sight
Now you have declared your existence-giving me a fright
Expecting me to fall……
Without even fighting or having any role
Changed the process of my life in a storm
I cannot let you take over my body-my home
I just can not live in fear……
You fill me with pain that I can not steer
So much pain to endure…..
I will prevail beyond any strike- never falter
I'm a survivor
TC Nasra
I came from Michele's, and am in tears even though I don't know you! You seem like such a strong person, fight this thing with all your strength! I will be back to check on you!!!
I'm leaving one more comment... because it's something that you reminded me of time and time again...
There IS HOPE. Believe it and grab onto it with all that you've got, and when your hands get tired of holding so hard, we'll hold it for you.
I am going to say something that may be offensive to some, but here goes:
I FUCKING HATE CANCER. I know that doesn't help you, or anyone else, but I can't help shouting it out. You don't deserve this, your daughters don't deserve it...
Please know that every bit of good thoughts and wishes are being sent from my heart to you and your girls. My son and I know all too well what your family is going through, and it pains me to know that anyone else has to experience it.
I hope you get some strength from knowing that there are people out here, that have never met you but know you, that are pulling for you.
I wondered where you've been; enjoying your life.
You've reminded me, we should all remember to enjoy our life.
I don't know what to say, but I will pray for you.
If ever there was a time for a Christmas miracle, now would be it. Let your children be your strength, and please remain optomistic. Medical miracles happen, I know. All my prayers are with you and your family.
Karen
wow - I had to stand in a line to comment, So much love in this room, you can feel it can't you?
Minerva,
I'm here to rally with all of my friends who are your friends. I came over from Jo's blog.
I agree with Cheryl. You CAN beat this. My Dad beat cancer's ass. You can too. I know it will be a fight. Put your gloves on and start swinging.
The power of prayer and possitive thinking is awesome. You have a lot of that here. I'm sending my prayers and possitive energy across the ocean from Kansas.
As you said, laugh and have fun, and have a wonderful Christmas with your children.
Gob Bless,
Becky :)
I have a dear childhood friend in that boat with you this holiday. She's a single parent with a 12 yr old daughter. After liver Biopsy, they changed her from IV to III, because it hadn't spread as fast as they supposed- so keep all the hope n DO NOT give up to it! Every case is different, There are things medicine can't explain-
A.T. Just finished Chemo, had a dbl-masect. n is beginning rad soon. Even her lasting this long is a miracle! She's got a site thru "caringbridge.org" sponsored by Dana-Farber Institute.
For all those praying, here is a visualization I use to focus on while petitioning: I picture the person, their life, as a rubberband which is stretching very far, while I'm asking for their "life extention".
You see, we all are going to die, one way or the other, sooner or later. An extension of our time is all we can expect to receive.
I wish for you the longest extension possible!
I popped over here from David's blog!
I really don't know what to say , that hasn't been said,
but I will say this ,
Iwill say a prayer for you and your family.
and I do hope that you can enjoy Christmas with your girls,and see the New Year in, and many more days.
Huggs
Only good thoughts and lots of hugs are headed your way.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
May you have a wonderful Christmas with your children.
Take care xx
I am so sorry. My wish is that you have the most wonderful Christmas and bring sparkle to your girl's eyes. And a New Year be filled with hope and cheer. And that there may be many more as you guide your girls to women. May God clutch your hands tightly, reassuring you each step along the way.
I am so sorry that this has happened. I am thinking about you at this time.
xx
Minerva, what terrible news.
I hope that you can overcome it, as hard as it may be, and have your family and friends close around you this christmas to make it the best you've ever had despite the big C.
Is there an chance that Chemo will get rid it?
I have visited you before,but dont remember commenting. I have, however, kept you privately in prayer for many months and will continue to do so. May you find strength, encouragement and peace in the love God has graciously placed in your path this Christmas season...
Shit! I'm so sorry Minerva..this sucks! You've been so present on my mind lately and I came by here today to send you an email to check in because I'd been missing your updates and hoped with all my heart that it meant good and wonderful blessings had wrapped around your life.
I'm having to go have some xrays and bone scan to try to determine the cauese of the pain in my shoulder. It started a few months ago and I've been trying to ignore it..and I know that in itself isn't being a good patient.
I'm holding you and those you love, and who love you tightly in prayer.
I am a friend of CQ and I was terribly sorry to hear your news.
I hope you have a great Christmas and that 2007 brings you some good news.
My dear Minerva,
What can I say that hasn't already been said. You are in my prayers over this holiday... and every day. I hope that you can manage to find some peace and happiness with your children over the Xmas weekend. Lots of love,
Deni
So I have to be dying for people to comment on my blog? *grinning*
Seriously folks, thank you, thank you all so much for all the comments and the love which has emnated from your comments.
It just shows what a very special place the internet can be...
And every comment, every word you write helps me fight, helps me carry on.
To each and everyone of you - thank you.
Dammit Minerva...I'm really, really sad and sorry to hear this news. Minx just told me the bad news and now I'm reading it here.
Enjoy your girls and share your love and try, as hard as it is, to be happy when you're spending time with them.
All my love.
--DH
God bless you, Minerva.
Cq alerted me to your blog. I've never been here before today but I will definitely be following your progress from now on.
I cannot possibly imagine what this must beike for you right now, but please know that you and yours are in my thoughts.
Try and enjoy Christmas with your children, and live each day to the fullest.
Dammit.
Minerva, I'm a complete stranger to you but I'd like to offer words of support and comfort. I know that nothing that's said can make any difference to this bloody disease but if goodwill counts for anything then you have hope.
Please accept such blessing as I have to offer.
We're with you.
Hey girl, I'm back :-)
I have decided this Christmas is a purple one on my bloggie.....damn, I love purple.
I have sent a Christmas Wish - for you to have the strength to enjoy Christmas with your girls.
You have my email.....sometimes it's good to talk to someone not in your immediate circle.
cq
You've brought tears to my eyes.
Bugger? I think you'd be granted far stronger words than that!
Life is cruel, but you've got so much to do (as you've said) so keep fighting and we'll all be hoping, praying and doing everything we can to see you get through the other side of this.
Despite what must be a most terrifying time in your life, I hope you still have a wonderful Christmas with your family and I wish you all the best for the new year.
Minerva, my dear...I haven't been here in quite a while and was so sorry to read of the return of Cancer to your body...dear CQ has sent out 'the word'....You are one brave amazing woman, Minerva...I just want to say, I will stand by you, hold your hand "virtually" or anything else you might need from me out here in the blogesphere to help you get through this very scary awful time!
I love that you want to give your children what they need, especially right now at Christmas...so, I wish them the Happiest of Holidays and the Merriest Of Christmas'...and you too, my dear, knowiung this is such a difficult time...May God Bless you and hold you in the palm of His hand, keeping you safe and whole and surrounded by love and more love...(((((HUGS)))) dear Minerva.
Minerva,
Please know that you are held in constant prayer 24-7 by www.silentunity.org
I am so terribly sorry to hear your recent update. No words are adequate....so I won't even try.
Please just know I'm thinking of you, Minerva. And sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way.
Enjoy all those moments with your girls. And please keep us posted.
min, re: dying
I think NOT!
you are more alive than most of the clods out there shuffling through the malls to fill their clod houses with more useless junk.
Your life is just what you make it, Joyful.
Hi here by way of CQ and your not dieing your fighting.
I will have you in my thoughts this Christmas, 5 years ago today others had my mother in theirs and she won.
Its your turn to win.
Have a Merry Christmas
Minerva I am so very sorry.
Not curable only treatable? Is this a new doctor? Does he know how amazing and strong and spirited you are? Let's see what lies ahead. I'm putting my money on you, Minerva.
Holding you in prayer, my friend.
Minerva,
I don't know you, but I've read your words and get great strength through yours. You have many friends gathering over at Michele's and elsewhere. I would like to count myself among them. Cancer has darkened my families door before, and it's never easy, but there is strength in numbers, and you can count me among yours,
Mike
we are singing Christmas carols at Michele's - do come and "listen"
silver bells, silver bells, it's Christmas time in the city.....
I agree with panthergirl... cancer SUCKS!!!!!
Craziequeen sent me your way but I am going to keep returning and adding my prayers that you will kick cancer's ASS!!!!!!
On man....unlurking to say that every bit of Mojo and Good Thoughts I can muster are being sent your way.
I came here from David's blog via Michele's. Your post saddened me, but this dreadfull disease can be beaten. You must have hope and fight this with all your might.
My prayers will be with you.
May peace and joy be with you and your family this Christmas.
Oh dear. I'm new to your blog, but I'm still so so sorry to hear this terrible news. You sound like a person with a lot of inner strength and reserves. I hope those carry you through until you are better. I wish the best for you and your girls.
first time here, but not last. sorry to read the news. my thoughts are with you. having people very close to me who have fought similar fights, I feel for you and your family, and my heart goes out to you all. wishing you all the best.
Bless you and your beloved daughters. May God hold you and keep warm, comfortable, and safe. Wrap your arms around your daughters and feel the deep and abiding love. Spread out a pallette and sleep on the floor if you must - just make sure that you remain one loving unit. Love is powerful, and its vibrations are magnificent. Do what you must to feel nothing but love from now on. Gather any beloved family, friends, dogs, and cats, but don't even try to go this alone. Quit your job - it doesn't matter - only you and the girls matter right now. Focus on that. I don't know what else to say. Wrap yourself in the cocoon of love and STAY there. Stop looking on the internet for your prognosis, etc. YOUR MIND is all there is. You MUST stay positive. Don't read another thing about cancer. Read only things about health. Please remember that YOU ARE LOVED by those who have never met you.
i am so proud of all the good people who have come her eand dropped off their gifts of hope and encouragement.
THIS IS the way life is suposed to be. We are all in this together.
Our greatest concern , dear M, is that you know how unique and how treasured you are. Keep on, full ahead!
Minerva, this is my first visit and I wish you all the very best this battle.
Another blog friend of mine has just started chemo again. So, if you're interested in reading another person's blog who may be in the same mind-space, let me know.
Merry Christmas.
Minerva, Michele sent me here and it seems ironic that I'm here very early on Christmas morning. There are no words that come to me to make you feel better. Just know that I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and will check back regularly.
Merry Christmas and God Bless.
By now, the girls are on their way back, and the blokes are coming round after their "boxes", so you've not all that much time to spend contemplating next week's go round with the doctors.
I know--this is not going to be a day at the beach, but win lose or draw, the next year is going to bring at least as many glorious triumphs as heartbeaking defeats.
The next time you sense those demons luring,immediately whistle a happy tune. If that doesn't put them to rout, imagine yourself a powerful diva on stage at La Scala.(Opera at Covent Garden is much too polite) Point your finger, thrust your arm forward, and bid them "BEGONE"! Yelling really does help--check Naomi's archive--she agrees.
So enjoy the 12 days of Christmas, and you'll be ready to tackle whatever may come in the new year.
And Minerva, remember "it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings" and I "ain't singin' any time soon".
the fat lady
PS If you have a fast computer that does streaming video, there is a wonderful program called Classic Arts Showcase which you can access thus: Google Cal poly pomona click on their website click on streaming video click on program one click on Classic Arts Showcase at the appropriate bandwith for your connection. Try it--you'll like it. It's relaxing, inspiring, thought provoking and exquisite. No commercials. Lots of singing, ballet, symphony etc. No talking. Your girls would probably enjoy it too
Minerva, I'm here for the first time, but I must say I am in awe of your courage and grace at this difficult time.
My mother was diagnosed with incurable cancer this past summer. Many close relatives have had it in recent years. One of my dearest childhood friends had breast cancer that spread to her liver. She lived more than 18 months, but sadly was not cured. It's a grim, merciless disease. I wish you courage and strength and I will pray for you.
Speechless.
Praying.
Someone has already mentioned the importance of Hope and I just want to reiterate that. With Hope, anything is possible and miracles do happen every day. I also wanted to add my assurance that you're not dying - I can just feel life pulsing through your veins from the words you've written. Shake your fist at Fear and tell it, "Not today!"
Here via Michele's.
A shitty turn of things but admire your attitude.
Your bravery shines through here. And your honesty. Hopes and prayers--I'm here from Naomi's.
That anonymous up there was me.
Sorry. I didn't realize I hadn't signed in.
Glad to hear the news about you liver, Minerva.
Maybe hiding the screen is a kind of defense mechanism for him....if that makes sense.
Its been long time and we heard no news of you I hope you are well..sending you my prayers
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