For the first time since I can remember I had a nightmare last night and woke with tears on my cheeks. I dreamt that I was in a follow up appointment with a doctor whom I hadn't met before. A female in a white coat with glasses and a sombre expression she was telling me that 'upon further analysis, the cancer I had would definitely come back, that it was only a matter of time and that I would die from it...'.
I remember in the dream itself trying to struggle to assimilate the news. My mind was divided: it seemed that reality was somehow trying to fight the unreality of it all and my head, like a half cheese was split in the middle. I woke with tears, with the fear of never seeing my children grow, and of never living the life I was born to lead.
As the bedroom walls emerged from the half darkness, I realised it was a dream. So strange that the reality of my life over this last year has been as a real nightmare and only when the experience is over, does it become a bad dream, a phantasm of the mind. Reality has swapped places with horrors, and I am stuck in the middle, living...
A strange interlude.....
Minerva
Monday, June 26, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Living
A 5 day break in Spain in answer to the unspoken question of where I have been.. So unusual for me not to update my blog regularly but in this case, dear reader, I have been living life, rather than recording it.
After the monochrome year that I have had, my life suddenly seems to have exploded into colour and not just insipid pastels but rather, bright, eye shatteringly vivid swirls of colour that hurt my eyes. 5 days in Spain where the light transforms the mundane into beauty. A Sunday morning wander around a market where the black skin of the Moroccans intensifies that sparkle of their bags and clothes. Where the crushed leaves of coriander whisper of foreign heavy earth and beg for a moist, warm cous cous.
And the sea was our constant companion. Its roar permeated the heat at night, whispered over the breeze through the curtains and murmered as music to our meals. Sharing my real name as it does, it was our backdrop, our stage, our frame to the picture that we are making. Daubs of paint spray our canvas as we slowly, delicately sketch in the shadows to each other, becoming known, and becoming real.
I am happy, happy to the very centre of myself. This is my life now, and the pale black and white monochrome of the last 11 months is retreating, retreating as an old photograph to be buried amongst the other memories, only, at some point in the future, to be taken out, marvelled at as having actually happened at all, and then put away. I am sure that at my check ups that the fear will return, that its nipping of my heels, the shadow on my shoulder will claw me, but now my face is turned. Life is knocking at my door and I am running, running to fling it open.
Minerva
After the monochrome year that I have had, my life suddenly seems to have exploded into colour and not just insipid pastels but rather, bright, eye shatteringly vivid swirls of colour that hurt my eyes. 5 days in Spain where the light transforms the mundane into beauty. A Sunday morning wander around a market where the black skin of the Moroccans intensifies that sparkle of their bags and clothes. Where the crushed leaves of coriander whisper of foreign heavy earth and beg for a moist, warm cous cous.
And the sea was our constant companion. Its roar permeated the heat at night, whispered over the breeze through the curtains and murmered as music to our meals. Sharing my real name as it does, it was our backdrop, our stage, our frame to the picture that we are making. Daubs of paint spray our canvas as we slowly, delicately sketch in the shadows to each other, becoming known, and becoming real.
I am happy, happy to the very centre of myself. This is my life now, and the pale black and white monochrome of the last 11 months is retreating, retreating as an old photograph to be buried amongst the other memories, only, at some point in the future, to be taken out, marvelled at as having actually happened at all, and then put away. I am sure that at my check ups that the fear will return, that its nipping of my heels, the shadow on my shoulder will claw me, but now my face is turned. Life is knocking at my door and I am running, running to fling it open.
Minerva
Monday, June 12, 2006
Sunshine
The sun has swept into London like a vibrant woman walking into a room. Suddenly the layers of reticence and clothes have been struck off and white flesh pervades the streets. Legs, arms and faces kept hidden in England's usual inclemency are revealed, shocking in their lack of colour, like seeing the underbelly of a snail or the colourless roots of a beautiful rose.
Like butterflies, colour splattered skirts flap in the breeze and the trees yearn towards the sun, knowing that for our drizzle soaked city, they must take advantage for as long as it is here...
I have been in the sun a little. After the dark rooms that I have been in for the last 9 months, I long to be out there but have been warned by the radiotherapists that if I expose the parts of me that have been radiated a lobster would look pale by comparison. I don't want to risk the breakdown of the skin any more than I have already. There are raw patches which seem to take ages to heal and the pigment, rather than being uniformly brown across the area, seems to have taken itself into pinpoints making it look rather like a dot to dot game. Because my neck was radiated too, up to a fairly high point it isn't just a question of covering my chest either..
But I am content. The war is over, and the soldiers relax in the calm post battle. Now is the time to regroup, to prepare for the next step in returning to normality. Today I have an appointment with a doctor to prepare for returning to work. That, I long for. With cancer, my purpose in life was temporarily hijacked - now is the time to return to that which I love, inspiring, exhorting and encouraging young minds....
What greater reward is there?
Minerva
Like butterflies, colour splattered skirts flap in the breeze and the trees yearn towards the sun, knowing that for our drizzle soaked city, they must take advantage for as long as it is here...
I have been in the sun a little. After the dark rooms that I have been in for the last 9 months, I long to be out there but have been warned by the radiotherapists that if I expose the parts of me that have been radiated a lobster would look pale by comparison. I don't want to risk the breakdown of the skin any more than I have already. There are raw patches which seem to take ages to heal and the pigment, rather than being uniformly brown across the area, seems to have taken itself into pinpoints making it look rather like a dot to dot game. Because my neck was radiated too, up to a fairly high point it isn't just a question of covering my chest either..
But I am content. The war is over, and the soldiers relax in the calm post battle. Now is the time to regroup, to prepare for the next step in returning to normality. Today I have an appointment with a doctor to prepare for returning to work. That, I long for. With cancer, my purpose in life was temporarily hijacked - now is the time to return to that which I love, inspiring, exhorting and encouraging young minds....
What greater reward is there?
Minerva
Friday, June 09, 2006
Love
Love has screamed into my life, suddenly, without warning, like a racing car with tyres steaming in the heat of the tarmac.. We have moved from 0 to 180mph without even skidding and the speed, the passion and the road is utterly exhilarating. I am askance, glowing in the full glare of scrutiny and adoration and feel myself blooming like a flower. I remember the nature documentaries of my youth where a camera on a bud was shown and the petals, gently, delicately unfolded like christmas wrapping paper in the space of a few seconds. So, too, am I.
I was not looking for this. With the end of treatment, comes a reassessment of sexuality, of the body.. For this year, my body, to a large extent was my enemy. We take for granted that our bodies will fight our corner, will resist invaders and to realise that mine had surrendered, had raised the white flag and was in the process of cooperating with the ultimate bad guy was a shock. And then the period of distortion, where, prodded, poked, needled and pinned, my flesh changed shape, changed colour, and certain fundamental bodily truths like the presence of hair and my shape altered so that I, myself, the notion of my self had to change as well...
Because of all those feelings, I decided that I would not launch myself back onto the dating scene, the meat market but would rather gently engage in friendship, in undemanding companionship where I and a partner or if necessary, with several different partners could gently hone my skills and build my confidence to life in easy comfortable companionship. Yes, I knew that it wasn't the be all and end all but with my usual honesty, my companions were fully aware of where I was, where we were, and where we were or weren't going....
And then, WHAM. With screaming brakes, smoking tyres and an exhaust that shouted its emotion, you blared into my life. You swept in like a tsunami and completely overturned every well laid brick in my neat garden wall. Suddenly, every hour, every day is consumed by throughts of you, just as every day, every hour, you show me how much you adore me, and I? I unfold, I glow, and my petals bask in the sunshine that you create.
Minerva
I was not looking for this. With the end of treatment, comes a reassessment of sexuality, of the body.. For this year, my body, to a large extent was my enemy. We take for granted that our bodies will fight our corner, will resist invaders and to realise that mine had surrendered, had raised the white flag and was in the process of cooperating with the ultimate bad guy was a shock. And then the period of distortion, where, prodded, poked, needled and pinned, my flesh changed shape, changed colour, and certain fundamental bodily truths like the presence of hair and my shape altered so that I, myself, the notion of my self had to change as well...
Because of all those feelings, I decided that I would not launch myself back onto the dating scene, the meat market but would rather gently engage in friendship, in undemanding companionship where I and a partner or if necessary, with several different partners could gently hone my skills and build my confidence to life in easy comfortable companionship. Yes, I knew that it wasn't the be all and end all but with my usual honesty, my companions were fully aware of where I was, where we were, and where we were or weren't going....
And then, WHAM. With screaming brakes, smoking tyres and an exhaust that shouted its emotion, you blared into my life. You swept in like a tsunami and completely overturned every well laid brick in my neat garden wall. Suddenly, every hour, every day is consumed by throughts of you, just as every day, every hour, you show me how much you adore me, and I? I unfold, I glow, and my petals bask in the sunshine that you create.
Minerva
Thursday, June 08, 2006
It's Over....
It is nearly over...The fat lady is just starting her warm up, and the thick velvet stage curtains are about to perform their last flounce. At 2.30pm London time, I will have my last radiotherapy session after which I will change, for the last time out of the hospital gown and throw it in the washing bag..
I can't quite believe it.. A while ago I wrote of the mountains of chemotherapy, the rocks of surgery and the foothills of radiotherapy. I can't believe that there is only one more sand dune before my eyes can take in the glittering sea of the future. I can smell the sea air, I can feel its salt on my skin and its breezes calling to me like sea gulls to come, to immerse myself in the future. The waves will soon be lapping around my ankles and the soft inviting sand squishing through my toes like wet cookie dough...
I can't wait... Shoulders back, one last glimpse at the journey done, and I face forward, head up into the waiting sunshine....
Minerva
I can't quite believe it.. A while ago I wrote of the mountains of chemotherapy, the rocks of surgery and the foothills of radiotherapy. I can't believe that there is only one more sand dune before my eyes can take in the glittering sea of the future. I can smell the sea air, I can feel its salt on my skin and its breezes calling to me like sea gulls to come, to immerse myself in the future. The waves will soon be lapping around my ankles and the soft inviting sand squishing through my toes like wet cookie dough...
I can't wait... Shoulders back, one last glimpse at the journey done, and I face forward, head up into the waiting sunshine....
Minerva
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
A year...a whole year...
A year, a whole year of blogging..and my anniversary falls on Devil's Day... 06/06/06. Apparently a whole team of evangelicals are praying to counteract the evil of this day and I celebrate my blogaversary. Is there a message here?
I hate retrospectives that talk of 'how far one has come' in a year, or the amazing stuff one has been doing..but guys...HOW FAR HAVE WE COME??!! *peals of laughter*
I mean, seriously. I started this blog following the demise of the previous one..I was sore, I was angry and I was, dare I say it, almost bitter... And then, and then, cancer hit me in September. The rest, as they say, is history... (Just HOW many cliches can I fit in one post?)
And yet, this blog, has essentially stayed the same, a way of me trying to make sense of the world around me, the people who enter and leave this stage and the events that happen. Naturally the big co star this year was Cancer, but it is a wonderful feeling to feel like Superman at the end of the film, victorious over evil as Max 'Cancer' Luther leaves in chains....
But there is no way that this was my own doing...No, I couldn't have done it without the presence of my wonderful friends, my gorgeous family and all of you... Two people in particular have been with me from the very beginning..and for that, I treasure them. First the indomitable, hugely sexy, brazen and beautiful Evil Minx whose words sear the page they are written on... I am so pleased that she is, in her own particular way, finding self-fulfillment and just love her to pieces... The other is Londinium, he of Songswithoutwhich fame... Steady, calm and kind, he has always been there for me if I called, and sometimes even if I didn't...
To both of you, many, many thanks...
There are also many friends and family from my 'real' sphere who read and comment and to you, and you know who you are, I am indebted. I really feel that the support and care that I have received this year is impossible to repay.... VB, CT and AD amongst many....
And then, there are my new friends.. and there are so very many of you that I am proud to call you my friends. The wonderful Jo, of Inner Girl, whose intelligence, articulacy and huge heart shout out his humanity from every page, Tony of Other Men's Flowers who makes me smile every time with his urbane wit and has written wonderful supportive emails (sorry about damaging the reputation Tony) and Brad of Blogg'd who whilst not a constant blogger (putting it mildly!) has always been there for me on email and the phone...
Finally and especially, there are so many of you whose loyalty and kindness make every day brighter, DF,3T who has had a hell of a year too,Barbara, Doris, Beingmade who despite a horrid year still just gets up every morning.., JVS, Maria, Kenju who I believe is one of my longest running commenters and whose opinion I truly value together with Captain Picard, Just Run, Deborah, The Gnat's Trumpet whose long tale is reducing the length of my teeth due to grinding daily..,Rainypete who has, I believe commented on every single post I have written. He gives lessons in faithfulness, charm and cheerfulness just by his presence. There are more, David, who I swear were it not for his tribe of women in the real world I would have been to see, Ken whose loyalty has been amazing - it has been a long journey, hasn't it and Terri whose professional expertise has helped me enormously over the last 11 months... I know already that there are going to be people whom I haven't mentioned, but believe me, every comment I receive has helped sustain me over this dark year...
But, finally, my friends, in two days time the long 11 months of treatment is finally over, I have my future, my life and my friends to look forward to... Blogging is completely under my skin and I think that without this blog, without an outlet, I would have turned insane this year...WOMP, as I call it affectionately is very much a part of me now and I am not going anywhere, or rather, not going anywhere willingly! I don't know how long I have now, it may be 30 years, it may be 5, but I know now that I cannot take a 'three score and ten' for granted any more. But what I have learnt is that with friendship, with honesty, either virtual or 'real', one can get through anything...
I raise my glass to you all with a heart heavy with thanks and gratitude...
Minerva
I hate retrospectives that talk of 'how far one has come' in a year, or the amazing stuff one has been doing..but guys...HOW FAR HAVE WE COME??!! *peals of laughter*
I mean, seriously. I started this blog following the demise of the previous one..I was sore, I was angry and I was, dare I say it, almost bitter... And then, and then, cancer hit me in September. The rest, as they say, is history... (Just HOW many cliches can I fit in one post?)
And yet, this blog, has essentially stayed the same, a way of me trying to make sense of the world around me, the people who enter and leave this stage and the events that happen. Naturally the big co star this year was Cancer, but it is a wonderful feeling to feel like Superman at the end of the film, victorious over evil as Max 'Cancer' Luther leaves in chains....
But there is no way that this was my own doing...No, I couldn't have done it without the presence of my wonderful friends, my gorgeous family and all of you... Two people in particular have been with me from the very beginning..and for that, I treasure them. First the indomitable, hugely sexy, brazen and beautiful Evil Minx whose words sear the page they are written on... I am so pleased that she is, in her own particular way, finding self-fulfillment and just love her to pieces... The other is Londinium, he of Songswithoutwhich fame... Steady, calm and kind, he has always been there for me if I called, and sometimes even if I didn't...
To both of you, many, many thanks...
There are also many friends and family from my 'real' sphere who read and comment and to you, and you know who you are, I am indebted. I really feel that the support and care that I have received this year is impossible to repay.... VB, CT and AD amongst many....
And then, there are my new friends.. and there are so very many of you that I am proud to call you my friends. The wonderful Jo, of Inner Girl, whose intelligence, articulacy and huge heart shout out his humanity from every page, Tony of Other Men's Flowers who makes me smile every time with his urbane wit and has written wonderful supportive emails (sorry about damaging the reputation Tony) and Brad of Blogg'd who whilst not a constant blogger (putting it mildly!) has always been there for me on email and the phone...
Finally and especially, there are so many of you whose loyalty and kindness make every day brighter, DF,3T who has had a hell of a year too,Barbara, Doris, Beingmade who despite a horrid year still just gets up every morning.., JVS, Maria, Kenju who I believe is one of my longest running commenters and whose opinion I truly value together with Captain Picard, Just Run, Deborah, The Gnat's Trumpet whose long tale is reducing the length of my teeth due to grinding daily..,Rainypete who has, I believe commented on every single post I have written. He gives lessons in faithfulness, charm and cheerfulness just by his presence. There are more, David, who I swear were it not for his tribe of women in the real world I would have been to see, Ken whose loyalty has been amazing - it has been a long journey, hasn't it and Terri whose professional expertise has helped me enormously over the last 11 months... I know already that there are going to be people whom I haven't mentioned, but believe me, every comment I receive has helped sustain me over this dark year...
But, finally, my friends, in two days time the long 11 months of treatment is finally over, I have my future, my life and my friends to look forward to... Blogging is completely under my skin and I think that without this blog, without an outlet, I would have turned insane this year...WOMP, as I call it affectionately is very much a part of me now and I am not going anywhere, or rather, not going anywhere willingly! I don't know how long I have now, it may be 30 years, it may be 5, but I know now that I cannot take a 'three score and ten' for granted any more. But what I have learnt is that with friendship, with honesty, either virtual or 'real', one can get through anything...
I raise my glass to you all with a heart heavy with thanks and gratitude...
Minerva
Monday, June 05, 2006
Colour
Imagine a black and white landscape, the colours of the land darkened by the glowering sky and clouds which hover close to the horizon... The light, such as it is, frowns over the grey hills and fields..but suddenly, the clouds, tossed by the winds start to part. In the gap, a shimmer, a trick of the light, a ray, just one, breaks through... and illuminates, like a lamp in a dark room, the grass beneath it. The air, air, that just one minute before was a grey nonentity becomes a shining stream of glowing particles, and the ground, which was just darkness, becomes light and shadow, becomes colour, becomes glowing green blades of grass flowing, like water, in the wind....
The door has opened, the light streams in and this black and white world has become struck by the multiplicity, the vitality, vividness and vibrance of colour.... Nothing will ever be the same again...
Minerva
The door has opened, the light streams in and this black and white world has become struck by the multiplicity, the vitality, vividness and vibrance of colour.... Nothing will ever be the same again...
Minerva
Thursday, June 01, 2006
A new Beginning...
A beginning and an ending and how to separate the two? In just over a week, Thursday the 8th of June to be precise, my radiotherapy and my immediate treatment will be at an end. I will still have checkups every three months, and I will be on Tamoxifen for the next three years to decrease the chances of this cancer coming back. I can't believe that all the attention of the last 11 months is nearly over, that a life without cancer, without hospital appointments and doctors awaits me and it is now just around the corner.
I saw the doctor for my final appointment of the treatment today. She gave me a prescription for Tamoxifen and warned me that patients usually have a depressive episode following the end of treatment. That, for many, it is hard having fought the dragon of cancer, and the werewolves of chemotherapy and radiotherapy to suddenly go back to tending their little cottage gardens...
My immediate concerns? With every ending, there is also a beginning.. Something has begun in my life, something I was not looking for, something which as yet, is so new, is so fragile, as precious as feeling a moth's wings flutter against your palms, or a really thin glass ball.... I am so scared least I crush it, and yet, so very grateful that it is even in my hands at all.....
As for the blog, shall I do what a lot of cancer bloggers do and move on to a different one? Mark the ending by splitting from Minerva and this blog, or shall I stay? I must say that I feel I want to stay, that Minerva is not defined by her cancer, but rather, has proved that cancer can just be another episode in one's life....
Minerva
I saw the doctor for my final appointment of the treatment today. She gave me a prescription for Tamoxifen and warned me that patients usually have a depressive episode following the end of treatment. That, for many, it is hard having fought the dragon of cancer, and the werewolves of chemotherapy and radiotherapy to suddenly go back to tending their little cottage gardens...
My immediate concerns? With every ending, there is also a beginning.. Something has begun in my life, something I was not looking for, something which as yet, is so new, is so fragile, as precious as feeling a moth's wings flutter against your palms, or a really thin glass ball.... I am so scared least I crush it, and yet, so very grateful that it is even in my hands at all.....
As for the blog, shall I do what a lot of cancer bloggers do and move on to a different one? Mark the ending by splitting from Minerva and this blog, or shall I stay? I must say that I feel I want to stay, that Minerva is not defined by her cancer, but rather, has proved that cancer can just be another episode in one's life....
Minerva
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