Rain

Water everywhere, pooled on the shower floor, trickling down the windows, the walls and curling its trails, like those of snails down the terracotta tiles. Dripping from the eaves of roofs, from the leaves of trees, the spanish season is truly over.

Nothing is more sad than a seasonal town out of season. The signs which flashed in summer with the promise of sun, of sand, of nights splashed with glamour now sit in obdurate darkness, and it is only now that the eye is drawn to the dust, the dirt, and the chips which surrounded the neon. Umbrellas folded speak of their restraint, their gaudy colours clipped and hobbled waiting for the next burst of sunshine.

Even the beach so recently bright with colour now sits greyed and bleached of all hue. The sea so blue bright just weeks ago now slams its slate grey waves against a beige neutral beach. The lens of summer has dropped and the filter of winter has taken its place.

There are even fewer people. Gone are the bright colours of Summer which complemented a tanned leg, a browned thigh or a gently sloping bronzed arm. Now all is covered; the ubiquitious uniform of jeans so common in capital cities has now hit the Costa del Sol. Flesh is covered, and the colours echo the sobriety of the beach, the sky and the sea.

Summer, summer is over.

At last....

At last, some good news...

I am clear, completely, gloriously, freely clear.

Thank you all for the support, I am SO relieved...

Minerva

Stress

This is getting to be too much. Yesterday a lesson ended in tears for me, and sleep seems to be eluding me at the moment. Why does certainty, even dreaded certainty, always seem more desirable than stressed innocence? Strangely enough I can deal with cancer, can deal with the thought of chemo and radiation, but I find the stress and worry of uncertainty hell.

I am tired too which never helps. Somehow physical tiredness seems to seep into my emotional reserves and my feelings are so much closer to the surface than they were. My patience has been chipped away and grains of irritation and occasionally flashes of anger seep through the buttoned down lid of rationality. And I do keep trying to be rational; keep trying to tell myself that it is unlikely that it is back; that if the doctors were worried, I would have been back the day after; that the chemo through my whole system must have killed off any lurking cells but still, still the doubts linger.

Three and a half days to go....

Minerva

Houston, we have a problem...

I really wanted this post to be a positive one; a post raving about the two recent awards that I have recieved for this site, as well as a very gossipy rundown of my 40th birthday party but I am afraid that the cancer box isn't shut quite yet. On Friday, I received a letter from the hospital calling me back for further viewings of my right breast as they have seen an 'abnormality'. You may not remember, and indeed only the scar serves to remind me now but the other cancer, if that indeed, is what it is again, was found in the left breast. This would not be recurrence or secondary cancer but a new primary cancer. The chances of that happening three months after finishing radiation? Remote to say the least, and all I want to add is that if there is someone overseeing my odds and luck, couldn't I have won the lottery twice rather than possibly cancer?!

I swing, like a pendulum between two positions; out and out panic on the one hand that this disease WILL kill me, that I do not have the physical or mental resources to fight another year and positivity that I have done it once before, that it didn't kill me last time and that I am being well looked after and checked.. As always the truth is somewhere between the two...

On Tuesday the 17th I shall have a better idea of the truth...

Until then, I am, calmly, quietly, still here....

Minerva