Chemotherapy hit again on Wednesday and I was relatively quiet until Saturday when the worst side effect of all this treatment kicked in: self pity. I was festering, culturing it. Why me? Why was I at home feeling grumpy, tired, depressed, low and angry and in pain when everyone else my age is out enjoying themselves, planning their next holiday, their next career move, their next outing with their children?
It was an effort for me to move off the sofa, to get out of bed and even put my clothes on. I feel utterly fed up with this disease, with the infiltration of my tissues and the subsequent poisoning of my system and my body.
I feel so boring at the moment. My life is entirely tenured by illness, by my physical and mental restrictions. A woman just forty, I talk of my ailments like a octogenarian, and actually, I daresay, they are a lot less body bound then I am. Sometimes, I look around me, I feel my inner life moving out of my body and looking at me wondering if this really is my life? Who is this woman because she certainly isn't the carefree 38 year old she was just a year and a half ago.
Now I wonder if I shall ever be able to return to my career, if my illness history will prejudice every work record I have, if I shall ever finish my qualifying year in teaching to advance up the scale and learn every day I have left. Will I be the mother I want to be for my daughters or will they learn about illness, debilitative disease and a woman who just can't summon up the energy for the tasks they long to do?
But today? Today my personal daffodils are peeking their heads through the snowdrifts. I managed to walk once, very slowly, around the park with my darling daughters and our laughter highlighted the flashes of spring amongst the winter mud. There is most certainly a future and whilst, there is still a long way to go, that is enough of a thought to hang on to for the moment.
Minerva
16 comments:
I'm truly sorry, babe. I don't know the answer to those questions...Eric and I were quite worried about his career too.
things will work out one way or another though...maybe a career change is in order? We can start over again together...
Thinking of you.
enough of a thought to hang on to.
we are all so fortunate to have something to hang on to, and something to hang on with.
Strength for your journey, and the certainty of making such a difference even as you struggle to walk those few steps. That is my prayer for you.
Be strong, be sure!
God is with you.
I'm glad the light is trying to peek through again. Grab on and hold on tight my dear.
That is the way to fight this disease. A positive outlook on the future. Never let this disease over power you. Let your faith, positiveness and eagerness to be able to get over this dreadful disease overpower it.
Just dropping by to say hello.
Finding those moments to hold on to says to me that you're being just the woman you ought to be right now. On the days you cannot find strength, it might help you to know that others are finding it in your words each day.
Thinking of you...
:)
There might be no answer to the question why the world is as it is, but there are many rays of hope and sunshine, all around us, and you, believe it or not, are one of them!
Hi Minerva! I think it's completely normal and perhaps expected that you'd have a "pity party" every once in a while. You are dealing with a TON of really tough stuff and you are amazing to deal with it with such grace. Really, you're an inspiration. Keep on fighting the good fight. You're still in my daily prayers. Hi from Wisconsin!
Dear Minerva....You hold that last thought fast and go with it. I know you don't think of this whole thing as a walk in the park, but I was happy to see that a walk in the park with your daughters in the middle of it all could bring a smile to your lips. Your strength and courage continue to astound me.
Minerva - It must be so frustrating not doing what you want to do. I hope this episode in your life passes quickly.
I'm happy to hear you got out with your kids. Hang on and hang in there.
Becky
Hi, Minerva: Of course, how could one avoid feeling so low with the effects of the Chemo. I felt encouraged that you took in the beauty of the flowers and your daughters. I wouldn't worry about thge big "C" and eyebrows raising too much as there are some damn good laws there against this. Plus the deal is to kick the Cancer's butt first. I feel you will! lol!
Bravo Minerva!
keep fighting - that is all you can do.
With what you've been through, you're certainly entitled to your feelings.
But you see that tiny part of spring emerging. And like spring....you too will emerge, Minerva. Victorious once again!
Well babe...I am not surprised at all that the self pity thing swallows you up from time to time. That's OK...it's bound to happen, and it may well happen more times.
But that doesn't change a thing, you're still making great progress, and you're still going to lick this thing.
Try not to think too hard about the job issue etc. I don't see at all why you shouldn't carry on teaching..and I believe you will. But leave the picturing of all that to another day, what ever new doors open for you in the coming years, the time to explore them will come soon enough.
Thinking of you
Happy Valentine's day!!!!
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