I feel that I must make a confession - Hail fellow bloggers, I have sinned. I talk in my posts of grabbing every last minute of each day, of prioritising one's life to make sure one completes that which is most important, of squeezing every last second out of every minute, and here I am, in limbo at home not doing anything. I am not climbing mountains, bonding with friends, racing up to see my children every five minutes or skipping out to art galleries to improve my mind. No, not at all and what right does that therefore give me to preach to all of you?
I sit here in my little room, the sunlight streaming in through the window next door to me highlighting the dust in the air, and I think, I dream, I read and I write. Is that a life? Does it really matter that I am not doing something that is world worthy? Does living in limbo mean that I am wasting the time that I have left? Does it matter that I am not matching the perceptions of others?
I don't think that any of us know the answer to that question. I suppose the closest one gets to an answer is that if I was on my deathbed and looked back to this time in my life, would I regret what I am doing, or rather not doing now? I had so many ideas before I fell into this monotonous existence. I was going to get fit, I was going to read all the books that I haven't read yet, I was going to write my book..and yet, all I do is lurch from one half baked idea to another, not enough energy to complete anything and too much energy to stay in bed and rest...
Or maybe this limbo, this stasis is actually just part of the process of healing? What were those four reactions, shock, denial, anger, acceptance? Is this part of one of those? Is this existence that I am leading, I hesitate to call it a life, an existence which is naturally curtailed by cancer and its treatment?
I have no answers, only questions.....
Minerva
25 comments:
You do push yourself don't you darling?
:-)
'Time to stand and stare' as the poem goes. As valid as anything at all. Peace, calm, healing. It's not an exam babe...you are doing what you need to do, what your instinct is telling you to, your subconcious. When it's right for you to get out and visit that gallery, read, or write that book, you will.
So try not to judge yourself eh? Take the word 'should' out of the vocabulary for now...replace it with 'need' or 'want'. Feel OK about the responses you give to how you are because there's sense in it, all of it, even if it doen't seem that way at the time.
Whilst there's a place for determination and drive, there's an equal and balancing need for stillness and quiet. You might find yourself more drawn to doing some of the things that you thought you would do once you stop telling yourself they are the 'right' things to do, stop chasing them?
Does that make any sense?
;-)
Sometimes, all you can do is just "be." That has to be enough. I've been in the darkness, and I DO KNOW that breathing and rest is all there is at times. During those darke moments, I embraced my pillow, my dreams (although some were nightmares), AND my fears. I just WAS. I made myself as comfortable as possible. -realized that to a great extent that I was in it alone - and just rested. Give yourself that. You can't control anything but your thoughts. Relax and rest completely!!!!! I'm not OK yet, but this is the only thing that helps me right now.
Questions are good, limbo though not appealing is part of the process I think... that's not to say you can't get up and do those things on your list there, but don't beat yourself up for being in limbo... only you set your pace.
All the right in the world
Yes, it is.
No, it doesn't
No
No
No, you wouldn't
Possibly
Which reactions, I don't understand.
Ditto
Ditto
Do try to keep your questions simple, and one at a time.
Grabbing and living each minute of each day to the full, yes, that's for sure a good way of living and whether we're sick or not that's what we all or most of us want to do and most of us fail and sin. Well, often, not always. But that's okay, I think, this IS life, we don't have to and we can't be perfect. Perhaps doing the most of it means for you right now just the very thing you're doing. I think life is both, contains both good and bad day and that's also something we have to live with. We don't have a choice anyway.
Living life is not always doing. Sometimes it's slowing down, letting ourselves heal, healing and centering ourselves. It's only for a season, Minerva, and it's OK. Give yourself permission to relax and heal in these moments.
Sometimes we all have to just relax, sit back and switch off for a few moments, Minerva. We can't just go on for 24 hours a day.
The answes to life's questions have been sought down through the ages and still escape us. Just when we think we have an answer doubt creeps in and steals it away. Perhaps the answer is one we reject or maybe it seems too simple and uncertainty lingers.
Is it just possible that the answer is to keep on asking the questions?
The answer to life's questions have been sought down through the ages. Is it just possible that the answer is to keep on asking the questions?
Rejoice in the simple things. A microcosm is beautiful too.
Dear Minerva,
Sometimes when we fill our life up with many activities we miss out on the contemplative moments that tell us who we really are. If you are feeling "now and zen" embrace it.
There is a time for everything. There is a time to saw and a time to reap, a time to act and a time to reflect. Perhaps this is just a time for you to find yourself. And if it is, then you can embrace if full-heartedly. Limbo is always with us - there are no certainties.
I can honestly say, just hanging out in my house alone and having lazy time to myself have been some of the best times in my life.
Enjoy!!
HI Minerva! At the risk of sounding selfish, I for one am Glad you are Blogging here and that we have this electronic medium of ours to all stay in touch!
I have read the messages of Love and Concern here ahead of mine and I see that I'm in great company! What a fantastic collection of kind people who care as I do! My take on this is to agree with Jean-Luc Picard. See you back here shortly!
I think the mistake many people make when facing anything life threatening is to try and live a life that isn't theirs. While this kid of thing will get you to shake things up and get to living your life instead of just drifting about aimlessly, it is important to live the life you want and not just do things for the sake of doing them.
If you are doing what you want to do instead of just taking up space on the sofa then you're off to the races.
listen to this:
I think, I dream, i read, I write.
it is like you are describing me on my BEST days.
take comfort, this is just a rest stop, on the Highway of your life. recharge a bit, walk about, stretch, there is much more DRIVING ahead.
Allow yourself to have some 'Me-Time'....don't be in such a rush to grab the world that you forget to take some 'Min-Time.......
:-)
cq
Dear Friend,
It's Sunday, March 18th and I miss talking to you, so this note is just to say HELLO! Know that I'm thinking of you today and sending you a warm and loving hug.
I empathize COMPLETELY... it's so hard to get out of that "i am what i do" state of mind. so hard to sit down at the end of the day and reflect on the day as a life well-lived simply because you are alive and thoughtful and present and here...
i know that i rarely succeed at feeling at peace with where i am, instad of imagining where i should/could be. in fact, i'm just trying to establish the habit of giving myself permission to just be -- however i need to be at this moment, whatever my circumstances, my life, are at this moment.
easy to be poetic about it... but so dang hard to just feel it...
hang in there,minerva...you are definitely not alone...
Exactly how my life is right now. I think we do need this limbo times to heal and just be but sometimes it can give you a sense of being lost. It's already happened to me before, and I should know that life unfolds when the time comes. Enjoy your limbo, I shall try to do the same!!
I am off, sword and shield in hand to do battle in the workaday world, but as a hedge, here at home I just 'crafted' two large bowls from concrete for further experimentation with various finishes and stains when I return. ART! it is in me. always crying to get out one way or another.
I love my life, even if it is confusing at times. will be praying for you.
To me it sounds like a wonderful way to spend the day! I do that every chance I get and get annoyed that I have to go out and earn a living or grocery shop or pick up or drop off the kids. I also think that it could easily be a part of healing! I guess what really matters the most here is how you feel about this?
Hope you had a couple of nice days away
x
Don`t be scared, you are alive...and that`s enough. :)
Minerva, you wrote:
I sit here in my little room, the sunlight streaming in through the window next door to me highlighting the dust in the air, and I think, I dream, I read and I write.
Not dreaming or reading or writing or watching sunlight stream through a window to light up the dust we couldn't see without it -- that would be not living.
I hope this makes sense and I really hope you find laughter, nature's medicine, every day.
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