I couldn't write yesterday. And when I say I couldn't write, that is exactly what I mean. Words have always been easy for me; they have flowed like ducklings after their mother. They have always lined up in the right order and almost elected themselves for selection. Yesterday, that wasn't the case. Yesterday, I tried to begin my blog post three separate times before giving up in frustration. I was like a practised ballet dancer who suddenly finds that her feet are enemies instead of friends. My words weren't lining up, they weren't articulate messengers of meaning but actively blocking me, getting in the wrong place, and I tripped over them time after time.
That has been a first. I realised yesterday how much I take for granted my ability to manipulate words to express meaning, to organise and arrange them into the best possible order for my purpose. Yesterday, I was hardly capable of writing a sentence and indeed, even talking logically was difficult. Of course, I am sure there are those amongst you who feel that way about women most of the time, but, personally speaking, yesterday was a real shock to my potency.
I recognise today, as I read the scratchy words above me that I am not back to my 'flow' yet. That this prose is hard worked and won and workmanlike rather than elegant and aesthetically pleasing. But it does work, and unlike my body which is currently in the depths of chemo induced languor, it seems fit for purpose.
Speaking of purpose, I went into hospital to have my blood levels checked again and met a wonderful couple there. The subject of my blog came up and I was asked why I felt the need to write about the cancer experience. After all, there is so much information out there, particularly on the subject of breast cancer. I have always felt that whilst there is so much factual information out on the web, in books or in libraries, there is very little which gives the true story of what it is like to face the emotional repercussions of something like this, to understand what it really is like to face one's own mortality for oneself and one's children or the day to day struggles of 'keeping on, keeping on.'.
But beyond those high 'falutin' ambitions, this has always been a place where I write, honestly and openly about the emotions that this disease has engendered in me and where I have been lucky and privileged enough to strike chords in enough people to continue.
Minerva
18 comments:
Minerva, my dear...your words as I read them always flow beautiful out of your thoughts and feelings and I love that you are writing about your Cancer experience from such a personal, moment to moment place...I surely can understand that as you get the chemo, there are effects that are new. Like the problem with words you described, but as a reader of your blog any post that you share is to me always articulate and feeling...And I thank you for that, my dear. This chronicle that you keep is a terribly important one for you, I know, but it is also a very important one for all of us, too, out here in the blogesphere. You bring an honesty and an open heart to a subject that scares many of us and I so deeply appreciate your openess and your ability to tell-it-like-it-is....The words will always come back, dear Minerva, because they are such a big part of who you are.
Dearest Minerva,
You are coping wonderfully, it was fantastic speaking with you today.
THE RED INDIAN
xxxxxxx
I've had the same problem lately. There is a disconnect right now between my want to communicate and the ability of my brain to do so.
Here's hoping that we both find our way back shortly.
"I met a wonderful couple there",
I am so glad that your world keeps expanding, even in the hardest times.
I am spending a week being frivolous and impractical, so like me, but also dangerous.
Thank you for making the second effort to give us more of what we have come to appreciate, the real you. ALWAYS refreshing, inspiring.
I agree with OOLOTH; you words always flow so well, and today was no exception. Your words always mean so much to us who read you.
I'm not sure being unable to write is a side-effect of the chemo. It could be simply the classic "writer's block." Happens to all of us, at one time or another. As in fighting your cancer, sometimes as a writer, you just have to "keep on keeping on." And hoping your words touch someone, move someone, inspire or simply, state the unvarnished TRUTH. And your written words do that eloquently.
Minerva: Two positives that sttod out to me with great Admiration within the last week or so are as follow: 1.) The sheer number of people who stop by here all (myself included) genuinely want to see you well. 2.) On a day when most everyone would have understandably pulled the bedsheet over them and remained in bed, I was amazed that you went out to be amongst good friends! This lends HOPE to so many and I'm always glad when I stop by here to see what you are up to! :)
I too like words and the power they can have when words are all a person may have to reach out with.
You have the inate ability to write words that flow like the soft sound of a rippling brook and they bring to us who visit this site the sincere nature of who you are...even those words used when searcing for the right ones seems impossible.
I know how that feels.. Frustrating, depressing.. Blah.
Glad the ducklings came back to you :)
Minerva - You are still eloquent. Now you know how it feels to be a mere mortal, if only for a day.
Babe...sorry I didn't make it back to add to my comments on your last post. Kept trying to compose something profound, meanwhile everyone else said it so well...
The self critic Minerva ;-)? Writer's Block, as CS says? That's my guess. But you have high standards darling...you want it to be just right, because you are a writer.
I understand that. You are a beautiful writer. But more than that your words contain a rare meaning and honesty and they come from a person who has opened herself up to say something really important here. That's why we come to read, I think. That's what touches us. So don't feel it always has to be worth a Pullizer Prize before you press 'publish'! ;-) (actually you know, sometimes it is).
We'll be here standing beside you whatever, whenever, and however you write my friend.
Writer's block happens to all of us, Minerva. Your writing always flows, I think, and your writing is so very important and helpful to many.
And you certainly have a prolific way of "striking chords." So keep on keeping on.
Thinking of you.
Hi.I'm new here,but have read through all your posts...i must admit, the emotional honesty and openness that encompass ur writings(and even subtly so, in your last post,which u underestimate!), might suggest that your being a little hard on yourself-
and perhaps, its metaphorical with respect to the "writer's block" you describe.
And like what was said earlier on by someone else, your endeavour to expand your own world, touch more souls even at the hardest of times,is inspiring to each one of us, to live our lives, wholistically!
Keep at it :)
About your need to write - I think every story is different and worth telling.
As for your writers block ..... if I could write as well anytime let alone the day after an episode then I'd be well pleased ;-)
Your words always flow nicely, mine always low like di... never mind...
;)
glad that my blog made you laugh.
I had the most fantastic massage today: 100 blissful minutes with
a talented woman. Her wonderful attitude and caring approach soothed away many weeks of work/abuse.
I am blessed.
Some people blog about trivia. You blog about something important to you.
I find that blogging makes me marshall my thoughts.
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