I have answers
So I have my answers and an apology. Three times, actually he apologised and I really liked him for it.
Basically, it is very likely that I have secondary breast cancer which has metastasised (spread) to the nodes in the axilla or underarma and the nodes around the thymus gland in the middle of my chest. It is very earlyl still: these cells are less tumours than collections of cells that have been picked up by the PET scan.
The juggernaut is coming and I can see it from a long way away. With normal scans I would probably have been aware of secondary cancer in a year's time when those collections of cells became tumour like. Is early screening a good thing or a bad thing? I can adjust to the idea now, but at the same time am aware of the curse that hangs over my head. I honestly don't know the answer to that question yet.
I will have an ultrasound in the next couple of weeks and if they can aspirate some cells with a needle, then they will test to see if they are hormone positive or not which will help determine treatment... but I can't set too much store by that, as it is so early that they may not be able to distinguish them on a scan yet.
I have been put on Arimidex which is another hormone blocker as well as my injection prostrap for another couple of months when I will be monitored with another PET scan. I cannot reiterate how much this man understood what I am going through. When I looked impatient at the idea of an ultrasound and asked how much use it really was, he completely empathised with the fact that I just want to get on with my life, that I want to forget the cancer morass that my feet are in. But the ultrasound could be important so I shall break my cancer fast for that...
And then a long, drunken lunch in the October sunshine on the banks of the River Thames with my beloved brother and my best friend. I cannot tell you how strange this is, how I feel like it is all happening to someone else, that we talk of life expectancies, plans after I have gone and ways to make the most of the time I have left and I almost want to look round to see whom we are talking of. I just cannot believe it, and then sometimes, occasionally, a dart flies through the defences I have raised and strikes home. We were talking of life expectancy yesterday and for some reason I have thought 5 to 15 years: my brother and my best friend said 3 to 10. That hurt. That really hurt and I can't particularly explain why. I mean, it isn't like there is much difference is there?
I have also had my first scan to judge the density of my bones. Arimidex can be shown to strip the bones of calcium so it needs to be monitored. Strange for the first time I didn't ask about the potential toxicity of the scans as that would be something that would show up in 30 years time and I won't be alive then.
How wierd a thought is that? I live normal life and then the thoughts of mortality, of missing out, of not being here, indeed of not being are woven in with the normal distractions. I won't be here, I won't see my children's children, my mother will probably go after me, and I will be the person of a generation who dies early, the one who is always talked of in hushed voices.
How strange. I feel so bewildered, so angry and lost. No one else can possibly understand. I am being told what to do by everyone I meet, be positive, plan this, plan that, share your time, stop being a recluse, stop hiding, and all I want to do is get my head down, get back to work and be treated as the Minerva of old...
Minerva
32 comments:
That is a lot to deal with. It sounds like you are handling things very strongly. Keep up your spirits.
Minerva, I won't give you any advice. You know well what you want to do and say and think and how to be with your cancer - I don't. I wish I could be of some help, some support, be able to say something that would make your future look less bleak to you. I do believe in miracles, so perhaps you will receive one. I surely hope so. In the meantime, make the best of the time you have left, whatever the best is - to you.
CQ sent me this morning.
Hugs, my new friend. I'm here from CQ's -- again.
I think I like the thought of a long drunken lunch. And it needn't be on a sunny day... I think any day sounds lovely. I'd love to join you in one, but the commute is a bit long for lunch. We'd have to make it a week-long drunken food fest... LOL!
Minerva, craziequeen sent me here but you have literally been in my prayers daily and will continue to be there. You have so eloquently and gracefully spoken about how this horrible disease has ravaged your life. I know that you are touching many other lives by speaking here. Please know that there are so many that are thinking about you and praying for you. I know it might be of little help, but we really care.
Hugs from Wisconsin.
I read every word of this post carefully - twice. Thank you for being so brutally honest with us.
Those of us not personally touched by terminal illness cannot possible understand the mental somersaults an individual goes through, when one knows one's time is possibly limited.
So....
I hereby vow to complete the Race For Life every year in your name.
The name MINERVA will be emblazoned on my heart every year. I expect you to be here for many years to cheer me on from down the M4.
When I am asked who Minerva is, I will say
'She is my friend and she is teaching me about Life'.
[hugs]
cq
Crazie Queen sent me, Minerva. I'm so sorry for your diagnosis. I have no advice to give, but I pray that you'll have the grace and peace you need each day.
Minerva, at the very least I am glad that the doctor apologized and understood. At reading the rest of your post I just sat and stared at it, pondering how I would feel (very similar to you I suspect).
I have no profound words to say. Only that I hear you, many of us, as best we can, are here with you in this journey though that does not seem much of a help, but here we are. And at the same time I realized what a singular journey it must be for you. Know that there are so many out here who truly care, if that is any relief at all. Even in silence we are here.
This is my first time here and I'm lost for words but overwhelmed with emotion, and I've only got through one post. 14 members of my family....with differing cancer experiences...so some of this is familiar to me. You have drawn me in by your honesty, your courage, your fear, your fury and your kick-ass attitude. Your writing is compelling and I am just one of thousands rooting for you. Damn this cancer. Be strong Minerva.
i am so gla d that you had your explanation, the apology and that you like the Dr. you are working with. Praying for you, today.
It is a festival of Tile as I visit Santa Monica this week.
I love that I can take you with me.
(SMILING!)
"No-one can possibly understand..."
You're quite right my friend. All I can do is care I guess, which I do very much.
Oh Min. Hugs. x
I understand, more than you know. Although my cancer is different from yours, I get it. I feel you. I am praying for you and caring for you..
Life expectancies suck. end of story. They suck what little life we have left out of us.
When I got out of surgery, my neuro-surgeon told me that I had 3-5 years.
Three to Five. I cant even wrap my brain around that number, much less process it and digest it.
But...
It has taught me to live each day to the fullest. It has made me see things in a different light, a bright light. It has caused me to cherish time spent with my husband and my children. It has pushed me to spend more time outside, enjoying nature and fresh air. It has pressed me to cherish the littlest things, the often overlooked things.
I am praying that for you too, Minerva.
My dearest Minerva, you must feel so dazed after all this week. None of it can be easy to take in. You know we are all supporting you.
Dear Minerva,
If you would like another possible perspective on dealing with recurrences/metastasis, I highly recommend the website: breastcancerchoices.org, as well as the Amazon discussion list (accessible through breastcancerchoices.org).
I also recommend Ralph Moss's website (easy to Google) and resources for exploring cancer treatment options that are not always given to us by conventional oncologists.
I was diagnosed with Stage II ER & PR breast cancer in Aug. 2005, with metatasis to one lymph node, which was removed (although now I wish I had just left it alone). I also had a lumpectomy, but chose not to do chemo or radiation although every conventional oncologist told me I HAD to. I'm still alive and well. My point is: You do have other options that you may have not yet fully explored, and if you are interested in exploring them, my suggestions might help you to begin. I don't mean to be pushy; I'm just trying to offer some positive and hopeful and helpful alternatives for you to consider.
Dear Minerva
I can't possibly know what you are going through but you are such a brave person.
Anyways none of us knows how long we are going to live.
The most important thing is that we should be ready!
I have changed my mind about your doc.
He sounds like a real decent chap after all Minerva.
It must be really hard for him sometimes to tell the facts.
I will put the dates of your tests on my calendar when you tell us when they are, and be sure to pray for you dear friend.
You HAVE become a very precious person to so many of us, your invisible but real friends!
God is an invisible Friend and yet He loves us so much...Love Terry
I hope and pray that you will come out of this ok. I understand because my wife is going thru the same thing at this time. She has lung cancer and had 1/3rd of her right lung taken out and now is going thru Chemo and having a pretty bad time. I am here for her but I know there is only so much I can do. I feel helpless because I can not do anything but just be here for her. I wish I could go thru it for her and take all the pain away. Bill
Whatever happens, I know that you will squeeze the most out of each and every day that you've been given. Even if you're not blessed with as many of them as is fair, I know you'll live more life than those who squander their own gift of time.
I still pray for you each and every day. My little personal dictionary has your name next to the word, "fighter".
Minerva,
A year ago I was more or less exactly where you are now. The same shock and the same feeling of unreality. It's all truly horrific but, in my case, things did get easier and I hope they do for you, too.
Minerva: This sounds at once absolutely exasperating. And yet, I like the fact that this physician can foster Empathy.I remain deeply convinced here that you will survive this all and that there will be a return to "normal". That comes straight from the heart and I look forward to stopping by with great determination and caring as jean-luc-picard has stated ahead of me!
Minerva, hello. My name is Susan and I have survived at least physically with breast cancer for five years. I will be checking on you. My blog might be a momentary distraction for you. I love what you said about causing your own cancer. I've heard it all, but my favorite was that I shouldn't have eaten so much bacon because it reacts badly with deodorant and this affects your lymph nodes. Gee....if I had only known. I'd have gone for the pancakes.
You're right Minerva, I can hardly fathom it. What is the best thing we can do?
Don't know what to say - just thought I should at least say something, having followed your ups and downs for some time now, but words fail me after reading your last few entries. Thinking of you.
Just stopping by to say I'm thinking of you Minerva, and send you Huge Hugs....(((((hugs)))))
May they warm your heart and let you know how much I care....
Words are inadequate....just know I'm thinking of you.
Just so you know your message is not in vain I drove myself 140 miles yesterday to have a mammogram. It had been 3 years and it was past time. Your words are honest, straightforward, and hit home.
Min, so sorry to hear this news. CANCER SUCKS!
I don't want to be among those who tell you that it's going to be okay -- it's already NOT okay. I've always likened cancer to having a baby -- there is the before and the after. Unlike the baby thing, there is little to recommend the after.
I do want to say that there are lots and lots of emerging treatments out there and many of them are working. If you are not hooked into a network of young survivors, you might look for one. I have found lots of info and answers to my questions -- and tons of much-needed support. You may want to check out youngsurvival.org. This is a fantastic organization (based in the U.S. but with a broad reach).
Finally, you never mentioned it (and I'm not asking you to post details of your diagnosis) -- I'm assuming that you've been tested for the HER2 mutation? And that the docs are doing complete hormone/ovarian suppression? Don't mean to be invasive -- I've just found that these are areas where some docs might miss the boat...
Prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Your blog is an inspiration -- thanks so much for sharing with us.
Odd indeed that things beyond our control happen to us while other aspects of our lives and the lives of others move forward.
Well, as improbable as it was that you were diagnosed with cancer in the first place -- the universe strikes balance in every chord -- one good improbability deserves another one -- show 'em what you got
CQ sent me
God, please be with Minerva and her precious daughters as she struggles to cope with this devastating news. Please guide them out of this place of fear and darkness. Please, please, please heal Minerva and grant her peace.
Just stopping by again to say we're here and thinking of you, Minerva. This woman of many parts is a woman of much courage.
I'm happy that your Consultant finally came through for you and apologized too. I continue to send light, good thoughts and wishes your way.
I can't comprehend what you are going through all I can do is offer my support and best wishes for the days, weeks and months ahead.
Just stopped in after work ...
[brandishes tequila bottle]
Tequila goooooooood.......
:-)
Jo reminded me about 'Minerva's Cheerleaders' and I think I left my pom-poms around here somewhere.....
cq
I've got no advice as I've never been in this position. All I can say is that people who spew all that advice mean well. This doesn't make it any easier to listen to but we seem programmed to say something, even if we've got nothing useful. I wish you comfort and good times because that's all I can do.
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