I am so scared.
I am afraid, scared, and have that awful fear at the bottom of my stomach. All entirely my own fault, I may add.
I have been looking up life expectancies on the web and I really really don't like what I see. 10 per cent chance of making 5 years, 30 per cent chance of making three? That is so close, so near..and every time I think about it tears gather in my eyes.
I am not ready for this, not ready to leave my family, my children, my happiness and my job. I haven't finished what I was born to do, and I need the time..
Please, don't take me away, please don't do this, please...
I am so very very frightened.
Minerva
33 comments:
You are in my heart, M. I know never having met, and our lives seemingly so different that may be a strange thing to proclaim. But you are in my heart, and I think of you often.
Minerva, I wish I had the perfect thing to say that would take the fear away from you, but I don't. I am so sorry, and I hope that you eventually get good news.
I'm scared too.
Hope.... don't let the numbers scare you, they are just numbers... the body ans human spirit are capable of defying the numbers... so simply hope.
There are plenty of people who defy the odds and statistics. Find those who have lived far beyond the expectations and try to focus on them. Even if they are in the minority, what's to say it can't be you?? All this would absolutely scare me to death too, but it does no good when you need all the strength you can muster to carry on in the face of this. Take it one day at a time.
We love you out here, Minerva.
Minerva,
I'm scared too. You're not alone.
And while I know that knowing you're not alone in feeling this way doesn't change anything, it sometimes helps me to know I'm not the only person in the world going through all this horrible frightening rubbish.
I've scared myself silly with the statistics too. Probably not a wise thing to do. But I understand why you felt the need to look these things up.
I know that no amount of reassurance from anyone, will make you feel any better, and I'm not going to insult your intelligence by doing that.
I'm just going to say that I understand how you're feeling. And I understand how scared you are.
Dee
xxx
When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, my father-in-law (who is thriving after beating a rare and very scary form of cancer), sent me this article: http://cancerguide.org/median_not_msg.html
I have read it many times since to remind myself not to torture myself with statistics. Statistically, I should not be doing as well as I am now.
Stephen Jay Gould, the scientist who wrote the article, was himself given 8 months to live. He went on to live another 20 years.
There are so many factors at play with cancer. Statistics, actually mean very little.
Be good to yourself, OK?
Dear Minerva,
I will offer only one more thing, because I don't want to offend or upset you with suggestions that may not be appropriate for you. But I see how afraid you are, and I want to help if I can. There is a doctor, Dr. Mark Renneker, in San Francisco. His MAIN job is that he has devoted himself to helping people who are in need of medical advice re: "Where do I go from here?" or "I don't know where to turn next," or "Are there things I can try that perhaps I haven't tried?" or "Are there perhaps some new treatments or therapies that my current doctors have not told me about?" He works with many many cancer patients from all over the world, and he will work over the phone as well as in person. He doesn't act as your doctor; he acts as a consultant - someone who helps you to gather and assess your best resources and options. His attitude is that there is ALWAYS hope. Always. His phone and fax numbers are: 415.681.5357 phone; 415.681.9734 fax. I wish you all and only the best, Minerva - Jane. If there's anything at all that I can do, please let me know.
I think you are jumping the proverbial gun/ You won't know your status for certain until you have had a biopsy. PET scans can quite often produce false positives. But even if a biopsy confirms that you have mets, here is an interesting piece by Steven J Gould that may help to put statistics into their proper context. Even though he died eventually fom his disease Gould far outlived the time stats predicted he would last. You can find a reprint of his article here: http://www.practicaltruisms.com/TheMedianIsn'tTheMessage.html
Darkman
I just came across your blog - I started one myself when I was diagnosed with a recurrence in July. I have been where you are with regards to scaring yourself senseless with the statistics, but please, please remember that's all they are. Numbers. And although you may have the misfortune, like me, to fall into that "focus group" being sampled, there are exceptions, and we can't ever forget to live like there's not doubt we are the exceptions. You're going to win, you know...
I just wanted you to know that I understand, too.
Take care.
I fear death almost every day and I'm not even sick...I completely understand being scared, Minerva. I wish I had some magic words for you right now, but I don't...just know that you are loved by your family and friends...even those of us you've never met.
[hugs]
There are not words enough to comfort you.
You know, lots of people beat 'the numbers'.
I've never met you in person, but you are constantly in my thoughts.
I would give anything to be able take your worry and fear away.
cq
It scares me as well. We are all scared with you. Defying odds are not impossiblle, Minerva. Don't give up.
There is a thought for you on my blog.
cq
I honestly don't know what to say... and you don't even know me. I just offer a (((hug))) and some prayers. I'm so sorry. I'm just sO sorry.
I have been feeling so low the last couple of days and just came to your blog now Tuesday night and now I know why.
You have been in my heart and I am feeling so sad for you and I don't even know how to comfort you.
It is just so amazing how dear you have become and I whisper your name to heaven so many times, dearest Minerva..Love Terry
I feel your anguish. I know I would be petrified too. Death is such a terrible obstacle that we are for all going to have to face one day or another, and how terrible to face it before we feel like we have finished what we were put here to do. I often look at my precious children and feel torn apart knowing that one day we will ultimately be separated and pray that it will happen much sooner than later.
Two suggestions (probably both of which are useless):
1. Try not to be so scared of dying - I'm sure we'll all look back in another life and think it really wasn't so terrible after all, when we have that higher knowledge of what comes next :)
2. Remember your fighting spirit that keeps you coming back against all those scary odds - there is lots of hope out there with advances in medicine taking place every day - just focus on the best possible outcome for you and work towards a future with that in mind.
Sorry for the inadequacy of my comments. Keep strong!
It is quite understandable that you are scared so don't beat yourself up about this. Saying try to stay positive is so very trite but also true. Stats are meaningless. I notice some people have left some positive advice in the form of an article or a consultant to ring. This could be good in that you are doing something and taking back some of the control that cancer has taken away from you.
I am not telling you what to do but rather saying I think those things are a good idea. If you disagree that, is fine too. It's your decision, you are in control. Do what is best for you and what is best for your life no matter how long it is. You still have that under your control.
I am hoping for only the best for you. I am hoping the fact that this has been caught early will give you the best possible chance, and I am hoping that you are one of the ones who beat the stats, or if you prefer, beat the odds by being in the 10% because that 10% is made up of people who do this. Take care.
Don't know what to say, pretend I left you flowers. Beautiful ones.
Oh, Minerva. I used to read you regularly, and then - as happens - we drifted.
I saw you mentioned in someone else's blog, and came to catch up, and oh, I have no words.
No words.
But lots of warm strengthening energy from me to you, and a wish for the right words.
I=Oh dear Minerva...I send you Big Virtual Hugs, and I too am lighting a candle for you and I hold out my hand to you in friendship, my dear...I know this has to be a very very frightening time....(((((((HUGS)))))))
I wish I knew how to truly ease your fear, my dear dear Minerva...I send you all the love in my heart and the strength to continue this journey.
Oh Minerva, of course you are scared. I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. It's easy for us to say "ignore the number," but we are not living it. So it is up to us to keep encouraging you to do so, and to give you hope, and and arm to hold on to when you are feeling weak.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am scared for you..but I also hope u read up on all the ppl who have defied the odds ..there are so many of those.
It's so hard to find words that can help. WE are all sending thoughts and prayers..know that we care...and send virtual hugs.
Min, there are people here who have been through what you are facing now, and there are others - many many others, on the web and elsewhere - for whom the statistics lied. They will be able to say things much better than I.
But, because I deal with statistics professionally, I can add that it's important to remember that they are simply averages. Naturally, we think we know this - it's obvious - but it's critical to explore what that actually means. A piece of mathematical artifice that, in reality, describe practically no-one in their simplistic attempt to describe everyone. This isn't to suggest that they are always useless - they can provide some measure of the general picture.
But to you my friend, I'd suggest they are useless. Because they don't describe you. They can't. Just like the 'official' life expectancy of someone in the UK in 2007 (whatever that now is) is useless to me...it doesn't actually tell me anything about how long I will live, it's simply a number which smooths out data on what has happened in the past to millions, rounding all the myriad variables that affected them.
Dearest Minerva...discard the averages, the statistics. This is your life, your future, your story. Don't add to the burden of this by loading yourself down with numbers which help you not at all.
I can understand your fear. Of course my understanding is based only on imagination - I cannot be in your shoes. So it's limited. But my thoughts - my heartfelt thoughts and cyber hugs and prayers - are coming to you. The biggest ones I have ever sent, in the hope that you'll find some calm and peace as you face all this.
Jo xxx
Hi, My name is Bill and I have to say thank you for your courage going thru what you have to do. I understand because my wife Judy is going thru the same thing. She had her right lung taken out and now is going thru the chemo and having a very bad time with the results. I can only hope and pray that she and yourself will come out of this cancer free. Please take care and God Bless You. Bill
I came here last night wanting to say something that would dry your tears and soothe your mounting fear but couldn't even put two words together that made good sense. Who dares to think it's possible that a few well chosen words can erase what you are feeling? It's not for us to say, so we stand in the shadows with you begging to make it all go away. I'm here tonight as a friend which is the one constant I hold close in my heart.
i am having a huge problem with those numbers as well.
i will pray that you will not be so afraid. i like Beth's advice
its possibly a time when too much research is a bad thing. I checked my odds, it came up 100% that I am going to die. Just don't know when. None of us do, even the doctors, whose life expectancies are startlingly low.
Just coming by to say hi to you Minerva.
You are always on my mind..Love Terry
I completely understand. Completely.
I can't hug you, or offer you any words of wisdom, but I can say that I sympathize with where you are and what you are facing.
Those are the same statistics they gave me. Same exact numbers.
I am thinking of you, and praying for you.
-H
I haven't read your blog for quite a long time, so it came as a horrible shock to read your news. The tears are running down my face here. How do you confront your own mortality? There are no answers, I think.
I just found out last night that I have two different types of thyroid cancer. One very treatable, and one that can be basically non-treatable. I am scared, angry, and don't want to die. I am meeting with a surgeon in a week and a half. Of course it is, get this report, get that document, where's your last bloodwork. Bring copies of your ultrasound. People I work all day and about 40 miles away. I just want to have the surgery, and then the radiation, and pray that I can get my life back on track.
i love you all although i have not met you!
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