It isn't good news.
I have secondary cancer - let me just repeat that, secondary cancer. Cancer that has metastasised beyond the breast and the immediate environs, the suburbs, as it were. Cancer that is moving to the country, to be precise, my right armpit and possibly my thymus gland.
I have to say typing this is already an out of body experience. I see my hands typing away and the phrase 'secondary cancer' repeats itself over and over again in my mind. How very strange...
Secondary, se-con-dar-ry....hmmmm It is currently in my right armpit, the opposite side to the original cancer, and may, I repeat, may be in my thymus as well. I say 'may' because the consultant couldn't be there; no, he had to catch a train and left just before my appointment. Don't these doctors get it? I have secondary metastatic cancer and the only person who can help me is the consultant and he leaves, leaving me with a registrar who probably hasn't seen more than three or four scans in her professional life and can't possibly answer any of my questions.
I want to know so much. I want to know if I should go on chemo to stop it moving to one of my major organs; my prognosis, the next steps, how we confim it is indeed cancer..but no. Certainty is not for me. No, for me is the uncertainty of diagnosis and further scans. The only definite action is that the consultant in his rush has given me Arimidex to block out even more hormones. This is to stop it travelling even further I think.
And I also think, how does one stop a flood? This is the first step to death, the realisation that my cancer is no longer curable, but is now a chronic companion by my side. Is this how it is going to be? The slow, relentless onslaught of a disease which won't stop before it holds me deep within its hands?
I do realise though that I want to live. I want to work, I want to have fun with my children, to laugh and to guide young men down their road to adulthood.
I want my life: it may have to be with a constant companion by my side but that isn't going to stop me...