Enough is enough. I have had it. The results of the ultrasound scan are through. They put the needle in my lymph nodes four times to find cells to analyse and the results are back. No cancerous cells at all and the nodes looked normal on ultrasound. Now that doesn't mean it isn't there, but it does mean that it isn't growing exponentially, that it hasn't become a discernible tumour yet, and that I have hope. Not just a tiny crack of hope that squeezes its way through a chink in the cancer nightmare, but a huge glaring beam of it.
I am resolute and determined. Tomorrow I start a new regime. Green tea, salads, and exercise are going to be my new watch words. I am ready, ready to fight with all my being because I have had enough. I realised something today. No one is going to do this for me, no drug, no person, no doctor. The only thing that I have, the greatest thing I have is determination and anger. I have the fight of my life, for my life on my hands and this woman, this woman over here isn't going to take it lying down. I am going to do all I can to create a hostile environment for those little cancer cells.
You see, it seems to me that if they haven't grown yet, that I have a chance. That I visualise the cancer cells as burrs in my lymph nodes. As the nodes are the sewers of the body picking up all the detritus, those parasite cancer cells are simply sticking to the insides so I am determined to do all I can to make my body as uninviting as possible.
My smoothie for the morning is in the fridge, my salad full of healthy vegetables is in the tupperware ready to take to school and my tracksuit and tee shirt is ready for use. I cannot control cancer, I cannot control the future, but, by God, I can control the choices I make, and right now, right here I make the decision to fight with all I have, all I hold dear and with all the determination and sureness that I can muster.
I do recognise that I may not win. That maybe this enemy will beat me. That cancer has taken so many and all the studies show that it can't be controlled by food, by drink or exercise. That there is no way that I can be blamed for what I have or that I should regret my past. But that doesn't mean that this woman is going to roll over and play dead. Uncertainty is difficult but it is also wonderful. Wonderful because no one actually knows how long I have or what kind of life I have in front of me. A secondary cancer diagnosis does not mean depression, desolation or death. At least, not yet...
So come on Cancer, show me what you have because this here woman is ready with her axes, her spears and her cudgels of anger, determination and hope to fight with all she has.
I may have a disease, but I won't be a victim.