For some reason life just seems to be going right at the moment. I feel so utterly fulfilled at work with the boys that I am lucky enough to teach. My children at home are delightful and Christmas, with its sparkly fingers and hands of family togetherness beckons from just around the corner.
I think the real reason underlying all is friendship. Last night I went out for dinner with my two greatest friends and it was wonderful. Wonderful because despite being a threesome, we were all loving, interested and supportive, wonderful because great friends who know all about each other, who are honest and committed to the core are so very rare and so special.
We never get to see each other enough. One of my dearest friends has moved away from London so it is a special night indeed when we manage to get together. We talked about children, we talked about work and we talked about cancer.
But it wasn't a depressing chat about cancer. It was free, free of misconceptions and of boundaries. It was a time of complete honesty and of acceptance, of recognising that once I am gone, it will be their job to love and help my children through losing their mother, of reassuring me that the essence of me, my spirit will be by their sides, kept vivid and lively by photographs, memories and anecdotes.
That felt so special. Last night I felt truly loved: loved, understood and recognised. I may do nothing more than live and die, but I really felt that here were two people who completely understood my need to talk unrestrainedly about what I was going through, who put their own emotions and issues aside in order to help me deal with mine because, to be completely honest, that hasn't really happened.
Yes, I have this blog, and yes that means so very much to me. But when you tell people you have something like terminal cancer, the fact is that you are trying to reassure them, you are helping them to deal with the news and that leaves no room for my emotions. ( I am aware that this could sound like poor, little me, but I don't mean it like that at all...) Last night though, I realised that these dear friends of mine had purposely dealt with it, they had 'worked through' their issues and were there for me, really there for me.
I haven't stopped smiling since. V and C, you are so very very special to me.