are what my life consists of. On the one hand I have home, family, children, school. I have life, options, plans, careers and a future. I have warmth,love, fun, laughter, enjoyment and fulfillment.
On the one hand, I am the luckiest girl on the planet.
On the other hand, I have Cancer. I have sickness, hospitals, drips, gowns, tests and scans. I have death lurking at my elbow, illness breathing down my neck and disability clinging to my every step. On the other hand, I am hellishly unlucky.
My life at the moment is utterly compartmentalised and to be honest, if that works for me then that should be fine. And, to be fair, in the main, it does. At school and at home I get on with my life. I talk to my friends about appointments or scans in the car to and from work or in coded language and, I can deal with that.
Yesterday though, and this morning, that awful box, the black, barnacled, scaly box kept breaking open. I broke down during break time but managed to garner my reserves back up again. It is tough, this constant struggle, or rather, it is tough sometimes. For, sometimes, it is the easiest path in the world.
I don't think this is denial. I have wondered over and over if it is, if I just can't face it, but I think rather it is measured encounters with something that utterly terrifies me. If I can face it just a tiny aspect at a time then maybe, it will become a smaller and smaller box.
At the moment though, however I try to ignore it, it seems to be growing bigger and bigger at the side of the room. Hopefully, Friday's appointment will serve to lock it down again.
I have finally after so many years decided to thank you all for your comments by commenting myself. Thank you to each and every one of you that make the effort to visit me.. I will return the favour when I can!