Boxes
are what my life consists of. On the one hand I have home, family, children, school. I have life, options, plans, careers and a future. I have warmth,love, fun, laughter, enjoyment and fulfillment.
On the one hand, I am the luckiest girl on the planet.
On the other hand, I have Cancer. I have sickness, hospitals, drips, gowns, tests and scans. I have death lurking at my elbow, illness breathing down my neck and disability clinging to my every step. On the other hand, I am hellishly unlucky.
My life at the moment is utterly compartmentalised and to be honest, if that works for me then that should be fine. And, to be fair, in the main, it does. At school and at home I get on with my life. I talk to my friends about appointments or scans in the car to and from work or in coded language and, I can deal with that.
Yesterday though, and this morning, that awful box, the black, barnacled, scaly box kept breaking open. I broke down during break time but managed to garner my reserves back up again. It is tough, this constant struggle, or rather, it is tough sometimes. For, sometimes, it is the easiest path in the world.
I don't think this is denial. I have wondered over and over if it is, if I just can't face it, but I think rather it is measured encounters with something that utterly terrifies me. If I can face it just a tiny aspect at a time then maybe, it will become a smaller and smaller box.
At the moment though, however I try to ignore it, it seems to be growing bigger and bigger at the side of the room. Hopefully, Friday's appointment will serve to lock it down again.
Minerva
**** Update***
I have finally after so many years decided to thank you all for your comments by commenting myself. Thank you to each and every one of you that make the effort to visit me.. I will return the favour when I can!
are what my life consists of. On the one hand I have home, family, children, school. I have life, options, plans, careers and a future. I have warmth,love, fun, laughter, enjoyment and fulfillment.
On the one hand, I am the luckiest girl on the planet.
On the other hand, I have Cancer. I have sickness, hospitals, drips, gowns, tests and scans. I have death lurking at my elbow, illness breathing down my neck and disability clinging to my every step. On the other hand, I am hellishly unlucky.
My life at the moment is utterly compartmentalised and to be honest, if that works for me then that should be fine. And, to be fair, in the main, it does. At school and at home I get on with my life. I talk to my friends about appointments or scans in the car to and from work or in coded language and, I can deal with that.
Yesterday though, and this morning, that awful box, the black, barnacled, scaly box kept breaking open. I broke down during break time but managed to garner my reserves back up again. It is tough, this constant struggle, or rather, it is tough sometimes. For, sometimes, it is the easiest path in the world.
I don't think this is denial. I have wondered over and over if it is, if I just can't face it, but I think rather it is measured encounters with something that utterly terrifies me. If I can face it just a tiny aspect at a time then maybe, it will become a smaller and smaller box.
At the moment though, however I try to ignore it, it seems to be growing bigger and bigger at the side of the room. Hopefully, Friday's appointment will serve to lock it down again.
Minerva
**** Update***
I have finally after so many years decided to thank you all for your comments by commenting myself. Thank you to each and every one of you that make the effort to visit me.. I will return the favour when I can!
Labels: appointments, breast cancer, death, future, school
posted by Minerva at 1/15/2008 10:39:00 PM
11 Comments:
Hi Minerva.. Good to hear from you. I know what you mean about test results. I just got mine yesterday, seems an experimental drug I'm using is helping my liver a little. I guess a little is better than not helping at all. I also dislike the scans every 6 months to detect tumors in my liver, or the liver function tests
and waiting on results. I'm on a wait and see till new treatments spring up, but that is like a couple of years away. I don't blog much about my health except expressing them in poems, I like you, just want to focus on a healthy attitude, hey at least we have control over that part of our life huh. Hugz Joyful
I come in here Min and I want to get my a$$ kicking boots on, my boxing gloves, my armer, and my attitude all ready and help you defeat this damned cancer!
I want us to get a gunny sack and fill it with cancer and throw it off a bridge so it will never ever dare show it's face around you again! I do. I am certain all of your other readers would join the battle too.
Cancer scares me too, the *insert cuss word here.* love to you Min.
My hope is that the awful box can be broken for good. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!
We care about you, Minerva!
Yesterday I came to hold your hand and today I'm here squeezing it tighter hoping you can feel the love we all have for you.
Dear Minerva....I feel that we are the lucky ones being able to come and talk to you.
A few weeks ago when I was feeling a little down how do you think I felt when I got a little email from you sympathizing with me?
To me that was more precious than any amount of riches that the world could give me!
You are a precious, precious person, dear to us and dear to God.
We will be praying Love Terry
Ps minerva, this is a little long but I got it in my email a few days ago...
It helped me. Maybe it will help you too...
Quote
"God's Tears
READ: John 11:28-37
Jesus wept. -John 11:35
In C. S. Lewis' story The Magician's Nephew, Digory recalled his terminally ill mother and how his hopes were all dying away. With a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes, he blurted out to Aslan, the great lion who represents Christ, "Please, please-won't you-can't you give me something that will cure Mother?"
Then, in his despair, Digory looked up at Aslan's face. "Great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself. 'My son, my son,' said Aslan. 'I know. Grief is great. Only you and I in this land know that yet. Let us be good to one another.'"
I think of Jesus' tears at Lazarus' grave (John 11:35). I believe He wept for Lazarus as well as for Mary and Martha and their grief. Later, Jesus wept over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41-44). And He knows and shares our grief today. But as He promised, we will see Him again in the place He's preparing for us (John 14:3). In heaven, our grief will end. "God will wipe away every tear from [our] eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying" (Rev. 21:4).
Until then, know that God weeps with you.
-David H. Roper
He knows our burdens and our crosses,
Those things that hurt, our trials and losses,
He cares for every soul that cries,
God wipes the tears from weeping eyes. -Brandt
If you doubt that Jesus cares, remember His tears."
Unquote
Hopefully Friday will be a positive day for you, I will be with you in thought, during your appointment. Lots of Love xxxxx
We're all here holding your hand, Minerva.
So many hearts are joined together in hope, in faith and in love.
This is what our community is about, this is what family is for, just such times as these. You are surrounded by care, and by peace. Let it soak into you.
Sending large hugs and lots of love that Friday's news will be positive
Love and Hope,,Bobbie
It's only denial if you refuse to open that box at times when it's necessary to do so. Apart from that, I think compartmentalising is very wise. I don't see how you could focus on and enjoy other things if you let cancer be something that lurks in every corner of your life.
Although the two things are quite different, I learned this lesson through working on debt reduction. Debt used to be always on my mind, a pressing burden that weighed down the rest of my life (even parts totally unrelated to money). Now I organise my budget, set up automatic payments, etc, and once everything is in order and ready to go, I close the lid on that box and focus on other things. It feels good to mentally set something hard aside for a while.
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