I am so scared that I am physically feeling sick. I keep crying at silly stuff on television and tears spring into my eyes every time I talk to someone I care about. I so want someone to take me away from all this fear.
I keep telling myself that it is either that it is spreading or that it isn't; that this is something that I can be logical about; that the first diagnosis is the worst, and you know what? It isn't working.
What on earth did I do to deserve this? What can I do against such an implacable, fierce enemy that stops at nothing, that plunders and ravages my body without stopping? How can I possibly convey the sheer terror that is making me descend into panic?
It is like it hasn't really hit and it is deciding to tonight. I have no idea how I am going to sleep, eat, and teach through the next 12 hours. I picture myself in the Prof's office tomorrow crying uncontrollably and I really don't know how to handle it, how to reach out for help, how to ask for the hugs and the ears that I need...
I just hope that knowing will be better than uncertainty because otherwise madness can only be a little way behind.