Frightened.
I am so scared that I am physically feeling sick. I keep crying at silly stuff on television and tears spring into my eyes every time I talk to someone I care about. I so want someone to take me away from all this fear.
I keep telling myself that it is either that it is spreading or that it isn't; that this is something that I can be logical about; that the first diagnosis is the worst, and you know what? It isn't working.
What on earth did I do to deserve this? What can I do against such an implacable, fierce enemy that stops at nothing, that plunders and ravages my body without stopping? How can I possibly convey the sheer terror that is making me descend into panic?
It is like it hasn't really hit and it is deciding to tonight. I have no idea how I am going to sleep, eat, and teach through the next 12 hours. I picture myself in the Prof's office tomorrow crying uncontrollably and I really don't know how to handle it, how to reach out for help, how to ask for the hugs and the ears that I need...
I just hope that knowing will be better than uncertainty because otherwise madness can only be a little way behind.
Minerva
I am so scared that I am physically feeling sick. I keep crying at silly stuff on television and tears spring into my eyes every time I talk to someone I care about. I so want someone to take me away from all this fear.
I keep telling myself that it is either that it is spreading or that it isn't; that this is something that I can be logical about; that the first diagnosis is the worst, and you know what? It isn't working.
What on earth did I do to deserve this? What can I do against such an implacable, fierce enemy that stops at nothing, that plunders and ravages my body without stopping? How can I possibly convey the sheer terror that is making me descend into panic?
It is like it hasn't really hit and it is deciding to tonight. I have no idea how I am going to sleep, eat, and teach through the next 12 hours. I picture myself in the Prof's office tomorrow crying uncontrollably and I really don't know how to handle it, how to reach out for help, how to ask for the hugs and the ears that I need...
I just hope that knowing will be better than uncertainty because otherwise madness can only be a little way behind.
Minerva
Labels: fear, uncertainty
posted by Minerva at 1/17/2008 09:09:00 PM
12 Comments:
Oh Minerva...You didn't do anything to deserve this. You DON'T deserve it..Love you so much... Terry
I'm not surprised there are times when it seems too much and just now sounds like the worst. (((Hugs)))
I just wish that there was something that I could say or do to ease this emotional torment for you. My words fail me, they are inadequate and empty in their attempt to comfort. All I can offer you is my prayers and my sincerest hope that this heaviness and deep fear will lift and be replaced with calm and peace. Thinking of you and sending hugs. Lisa
In all the world there are folks you may never know that are holding your hand just as tightly as I am and together we form a chain of love and hope and freedom from fear so hold on tight with us as we reach for the stars and don't let go!
Just wanted let you know that I am thinking of you and that I have been pretty much EXACTLY where you are. I know that fear and hope for you that it eases up very soon. My own prognosis has greatly improved in the year since the mets was diagnosed (from a liver riddled with tumours to remission) and chemo for mets is much easier to tolerate.
I am hoping that you will get the best news possible tomorrow and from here on in.
Big, big virtual hugs.
Coming out of lurkdome..I pray that the Lord fills you with peace, the kind of peace that only he can. You and your honesty touch me in so many ways and have changed many of my days. Know,that I will be praying for you, peace be with you.
Kim
It's just not possible to be strong and positive 24/7. You are allowed to have these feelings and need hugs and reassurance. (((HUGS)))
Madnes: only a step away for most of us
Minerva...my love and my hopes and my hugs flow out to out to you darling. You are loved and held in the hearts of us all. Whatever happens today, good, bad or neither, come and share, pour it out to us.
You didn't deserve it...but you have handled it with beauty and dignity and courage. Proud of you honey. Thinking of you.((((Hug))))
It's no wonder you are frightened Minerva, you have so far been dealt an absolute crap hand. No doubt about that. You say you want hugs and ears. I can't give you a real hug but I, like SOOOOO many others, read your words and hear what you have to say. We can offer our ears (not literally of course because that would be of little use to you :-).
Best wishes always -
Valentina (NZ)
Oh hon,
Cancer is no respecter of us - It's God-damn evil and not only does it attack us physically but it consumes us mentally.
I wish I'd figured out a solution but I haven't really - other than trying to get out of the 'head-space'; and sometimes physical touch helps me do that - massage, hugs etc.
I'll be thinking of you - much good may it do.....
Em
x
I have been thinking of you all day Minerva...
I hope and pray that the news you have received today is good!
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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