Sick and Tired.
I am fed up of this cancer lark. I can't deny that all the attention was fun in the beginning but it really is beginning to be a bit of a drag, I mean, all these scans and doctors. I mean, anyone would think I was actually sick because I certainly don't feel it! I supposedly have cancer now in three places: thymus; right armpit and now, the left side of my neck. But do I feel ill?
The hell I do. I am decidedly stressed because of school. I have so much to do still, get my book written, maybe get this blog published, write diaries for the girls, plan my lessons for next week, and see my friends who I have been neglecting of late, I just don't have the time to be sick as well. I mean - honestly!
Maybe whoever controls this C stuff could send me a bit of a sniffle instead? A headache perhaps or even a bout of flu - I wouldn't mind that I think because at least then I would feel ill. I could lie in bed and sniff occasionally and look wan and terribly feminine. That would be quite fun I think. Strange how when one is slightly ill you stay in bed and take time off work but when you are reallly seriously ill, one grabs life with both hands. I pride myself on how I still get up in the morning, still get dressed, still worry that I am going to be late for work, and still obsess over my lesson plans.
You see, mentally, I think I have a future. I have so much I still want to do that the thought of dying hasn't really, physically crossed my horizon yet. It can't, in order to continue with the life that I have. If I gave in for one minute - oh I can't pick up my children, I have Cancer. I can't go into school - I have Cancer, then, for me, it will have won. It will have beaten me and I absolutely refuse to let it do that whilst I still have the strength to carry on.
But, my goodness, I am tired!
Minerva
15 comments:
You do have a future. Every second, every hour, day, month, year is a legitimate future. No less real, no less useful than the ten years or the twenty or the thirty that you fear you don't have - if you use the time you have well. If you fill it with love, and compassion, and care, and in being what you can be. So many of us have long empty lives, we live to a rich old age and then look back and wonder what we did with the years...
You're right to not let it beat you - in defining what you shouldn't/can't do. But I would also offer something else. Have you thought of what your cancer can give you, and has given you? Insight? Respect for the value of each day? Renewed love for those special to you? An understanding of the preciousness of life? An ability to look at explore the meaning of death?
And much else.
Would you have these things if you hadn't had the experiences you have had?
x
Dear Minerva.
I am glad that you don't have the pain and the sniffles, and I am also ashamed to tell you that reading this post has caused a little bit of smile on my face.
You don't really know what a dear person you are do you?
You remind me of some of the guys that Bernie works with. I mean some guy falls flat on his face, breaking a bone or two and just gets up on his feet, brushes off the dust and keeps on working while another guy gets the tiniest steel sliver in his thumb, cries a little and is good for at least six months off work on compensation!
You are like the first guy.
You just keep picking yourself up, seizing life with both hands and continuing on with your family, school children and what is this?
Writing a book?
Wow!
And you just keep on writing a marvellous blog too!!
Do you suppose Minerva that it is the result of so many of your "invisible to the eye" blog friends praying for you that you are being spared pain and the sniffles?
And sorry to inform you, YOU don't have to lay in bed looking wan and terribly feminine.
You are already terribly feminine! Your heart is full of mother love and love for your boyfriend and for your students and your mom and your brother ....How much more feminine can THAT be?
It is the weekend Minerva. I hope for you that it is a good one!
May the Lord shine His face upon you and shower you with His love...Love Terry
Honey, you had a busy life *before* cancer - now you have a busy life with an added ingredient.
It sounds like you certainly have enough to keep you busy for the next twenty years...!!
However, you do have something that means you have to rest your body and mind - so rest days are absolutely essential to ensure you are around for the next twenty years to complete all your jobs!
Work demands a lot of you, and family are an added stresser.
I think you unconsciously combine 'rest days' with time with friends, because that is when you are truly relaxed - around your friends.
So call up a girlfriend, break open a bottle of wine, put on a chickflick and chill...as only friends can!
cq
The life of a single Mom is more than enough stress and tiring enough for most; you not only are doing that but all these extra things as well! No wonder you are tired!
May you find some peaceful sleep this weekend; may you find time each day to tick one thing off your lists of many!
Hugs...
alan
I'm glad you're not giving cancer any room to ruin your life. Thanks for being an inspiration to us all.
Have a 'duvet day' tomorrow. The occasional duvet days are good for the soul.
You're a wonderful person, Minerva. I consider myself fortunate to have come across your blog. It really is an inspiration to many.
Minerva,
I agree completely with Josephine as far as having a future goes. I think you are a remarkable woman. SInce I have been reading your blog I try not to complain about the little things.
You should be very proud of yourself but remember everyone needs rest.
All the best.
Patti
I know this might seem less "deep" than most comments, but this post just reminded me of what a cool woman you are. Cool is good, by the way. You're kickass, as they say.
Hi Minerva... Alot of us who have a Chronic illness look okay on the outside and hear remarks like.. but you look so good!!!. sometimes I don't know if that is a compliment or not..but I guess in a way it is. It helps take the focus off the illness. but on the other hand it's frusrtating especially when your not feeling well and feel like no one understands the battles of having a Chronic illness which is why I see why they call it an invisiable.
I have come to the point where it's not just about life... but about (living) life to the fullest.helping others sure seems to be the nest medicine for my soul, spirit, and attitude. Like the saying goes..it's not who you knew, it's not what you did..it's how you lived.... Hugz Joyful
I would be tired too, Minerva. While everyone is different, I happened to catch actress Suzanne Somers on "Larry King Live" last night and she defied our foolish FDA and wrote a book (just out) about how she "connected the dots" with her hormonal balance. It made sense to me. Why not Google or borrow a copy from the local library. You DO have a future. And you have the RIGHT to one! Hope you consider a look at Suzanne's research. Quite an eye opener.
I like justrun - you are kickass indeed...... :-)
On a site the size of ours (7,000 staff), as H&S officer I am constantly being informed of seemingly healthy people keeling over....some even sadly die.
So, who's to say what future holds for each and everyone.
I think your future is long and happy, with your family and friends by your side.
cq
My dear Minerva, just stopped by to wish you a happy and HEALTHY 2008. (I've been out of the country and this has been my first chance.) May you only have good things happen to you from here on out. As always, you are an inspiration to many. Much love, Deni
To keep going, to keep fighting , to keep living is what u hve to do...I also am glad u aren't feeling ill, because you would still do all u are doing regardless of it and be even more tired I think...I really hope you get more sleep though ...lack of sleep is only going to drag u down...I know what I say is futile but its from the heart...I only repeat what you know already..
It is a battle one you are winning in my mind's eye. No surrender in you, and I greatly admire that.
But yes, even an army must rest.
xxoo
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