Sick and Tired.
I am fed up of this cancer lark. I can't deny that all the attention was fun in the beginning but it really is beginning to be a bit of a drag, I mean, all these scans and doctors. I mean, anyone would think I was actually sick because I certainly don't feel it! I supposedly have cancer now in three places: thymus; right armpit and now, the left side of my neck. But do I feel ill?
The hell I do. I am decidedly stressed because of school. I have so much to do still, get my book written, maybe get this blog published, write diaries for the girls, plan my lessons for next week, and see my friends who I have been neglecting of late, I just don't have the time to be sick as well. I mean - honestly!
Maybe whoever controls this C stuff could send me a bit of a sniffle instead? A headache perhaps or even a bout of flu - I wouldn't mind that I think because at least then I would feel ill. I could lie in bed and sniff occasionally and look wan and terribly feminine. That would be quite fun I think. Strange how when one is slightly ill you stay in bed and take time off work but when you are reallly seriously ill, one grabs life with both hands. I pride myself on how I still get up in the morning, still get dressed, still worry that I am going to be late for work, and still obsess over my lesson plans.
You see, mentally, I think I have a future. I have so much I still want to do that the thought of dying hasn't really, physically crossed my horizon yet. It can't, in order to continue with the life that I have. If I gave in for one minute - oh I can't pick up my children, I have Cancer. I can't go into school - I have Cancer, then, for me, it will have won. It will have beaten me and I absolutely refuse to let it do that whilst I still have the strength to carry on.
But, my goodness, I am tired!