My path has turned uphill recently and I am finding the road hard. It is full of stones which keep making me falter and the steep gradient and twisted signs mean I keep getting lost and disheartened. Actually talking or trying to face the situation that I am in makes tears prick at my eyelids and the sheer effort of getting up in the mornings for work, is, for the first time in four years, hard. I ache constantly in my hips and my knees and standing after sitting for any period of time means my muscles contract and I limp for the first few paces.
I am tired, so very tired. Sleep is constantly just beyond my fingers' grasp, and when I do finally succumb, I sleep the sleep of the blessed, no dreams, no turning, just blind darkness which doesn't seem to refresh me. In everyday life, we, all of us, carry a bubble which helps bounce comments or events which hurdle our path. My resistence is non existent. I take every word personally, I feel those ever present tears in my eyes and become irritable at any kind of demand made upon me.
Life with cancer is hard. It isn't 'fighting' or 'heroic'. It is just one step after another where each foot becomes harder to raise and to lower, where the least little thing once so taken for granted becomes a conscious effort.
I am so very tired,