Finally
Finally, the clouds are lifting. At last, my mood seems to be climbing up again having been really low over the past month or so. I have been irritable, grumpy with those I love and sleeping an incredible amount. I have also wondered, to be honest, if I was depressed and contemplated meeting a doctor and going onto anti-depressants. I used to be on them, and in fact, only came off in the early Summer after being on them for over twenty years. Because I am a manic depressive, I do have a very sensitive antenna as far as my moods are concerned so when my mood started turning on Sunday I was concerned lest it was a blip of happiness in a TV screen of darkness.
But, it appears to be settling in and staying. And that sense of energy and activity has helped me start to tackle the everyday problems around me, and that, my friends, is what continues to keep me going. My house is a mess; a maelstrom of books, animals, children and the detritus that each leaves. Given that I have had two and a half years blighted by eight months each year on 'Cancer leave', the house, naturally, has been neglected. The leaks and the urgent things have been done, but the stains on the plaster, the chips in the walls, the holes in the floorboards remain unplugged.
Time for that to change. I have the number of a builder, I have the number of someone to build cupboards, and I have even started trying to empty my glorious junk whirlpool of clutter and left overs of my previous days. It is slow; I freely admit that, but the stone has been nudged, and once the impetus begins, it does get harder to stop.
I have also signed up for a course writing fiction starting in May. I have never had much confidence in my prose before, and I don't think I 'do' characters and plotlines but I have always wanted, as you know, to write that book. I know now, after my experiences of the last two years, that if I don't start now, the opportunity may never come for, despite my good news, Cancer is a hard and implacable enemy daunted, it seems, by nothing.
It could always come back. But, until it does, I am going to get out there, create the house I have always wanted and start putting my dreams into action, right now, right here, today.
Minerva
30 comments:
Hooray for the sunshine and the first glimmers of brightness. Make the most of it but don't be held hostage to having to be cheerful and doing everything right away.
About the writing now let me think ..... it was some years ago that a certain blogger came about my blog and gave me confidence in my writing skills. How can you not have confidence in your prose?! However, joining a group is great for the technicalities and encouragement. Go, girl go!
That last paragraph says it all, Minerva!
Minerva, I have the utmost confidence in your ability to write prose. Your writing caught me long before your cancer and I know you have tremendous abilities in that. Good luck!
SPRING, spring is in the air.
and depression ( who visits here at times) must be banished since there is so much high living to do.
all the best with your house projects.
Added to the list of "Things M Has Done Today" is made me smile.
I'm cheering for you!
Min, I'm cyclethymic/ they say boarder line bi polar, and I go through times like you've been through and a lot of times it even happens when things are going good.
Those irrational feelings of doom hit and I have to keep telling myself, "This will pass, feelings are transitory..."
I'm glad you are cycling back around, it is a breath of fresh air when that happens.
I don't do meds anymore either, been on too many that made me even more crazy, and the one that seemed to work, they doubled my dosage and then they made me crazy too. I may get on something this summer, but I can't go through the experimentation during the school term, it's just too much.
xx
Hi, just passing through and read your blog. Hope things improve for you. I understand about being bipolar. I have PTSD among a few other things and going through stress AND dealing with another type of illness AND having to contend with thoughts is majorly hard. I wish you well.
Good for you honey. Good for you. You deserve the clouds to lift, and they will. Hugs as ever.
If it comes back, I'll give it a great big whack. x^23 - I'm back after 19 days wif no internetz
i hear the cupboards were rattled - how are you doing?
SO glad to read this post.. I have been in a bit of a slump too lately, and wonder....
You remain in my prayers and in my heart.
-H
Minerva,
I'm so glad to hear you are starting to "move" again. After the rollercoaster you have been on, one foot in front of the other, will certainly get you where you want to go. My husband has a saying he uses with the baseball teams he coaches, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Some projects must seem so big right now, but piece by piece they can be finished...even that book. When you write from your heart, your words are beautiful and moving. I know you have it in you. Be patient with yourself and stay in touch with what is going on inside; that above all else is so very important. Happy thoughts and prayers are always coming your way
IT SEEMS ONCE THE MOTOR STARTS, AFTER SPUTTERING FOR A BIT, THERE'S NO TURNING IT OFF AND EVEN IF IT SHOULD RUN OUT OF GAS, RESTARTING IT COMES EASIER.
BEGIN TO WRITE THAT BOOK NOW...IT WILL BE A LITERARY BEST SELLER I'M CERTAIN.
Dear Minerva...so nice to hear your lovely voice again!
I, for one would love to visit your "messy house"
I will never forget the time that my little sister, Gracey who had lost her husband from cancer when he was only 28 and Gracey was only 24, and she was left to raise her four little children.
Someone reported her to the Childrens' Aid because they said the she had a very messy house.
When the lady came to visit Gracey, she sat on the couch and looked and looked, seeing all of the good books hanging around and a bird singing in the cage with bird seed all over the floor and the big piano just overflowing with music books,and Gracey's violin hanging on the wall.
She sighed and told my sister. "My how could anyone complain about this. Your children are living in an absolute paradise. Books , birds music and love. Oh to be so lucky as them to have a mother like you!"
Ha! That lady looked at the "messy" house with the eyes of a child and saw only the good!
I would really like to sit in your messy house Minerva and enjoy it...especially with those naughty kittens and the children and that doggie of yours! And YOU!
When you write your books, I will be first in line to buy them!!!
Love Terry
PS Gracey's house was always filled with classical music or hymns playing on the stereo and the whole place smelled of chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven!
Hello, Minerva: I've been away for a bit, but wanted to drop by before I drop off to sleep myself here.
There is a certain satisfaction that comes with de-cluttering the house. A friend once told me he enjoyed this because it was something he had control over and he was left with a sense of accomplishment and contentment. Plus, "Spring cleaning" for a new life. All Warm Thoughts Sent Your Way, Minerva!!:)
Good for you
When I was just a little girl my family lived in a tenement house where we were not allowed to even step on the grass in the tiny yard and we had no place to play. In those days my Dad was most often out of work but there was a brief period when we had an old car and I remember how grand it was for my brothers, my sister and I when we went for a ride in the countryside on Sundays. You can't imagine what it was like for us when Dad parked the car by the side of the road and let us climb out, free to jump and roll down the green hills of grass laughing until our sides hurt. It's one of my fondest memories bcause the absolute joy we felt in the freedom was like heaven to us.
I tell you this story because I've been thinking of you rolling down a hill of green grass laughing and feeling free from any expectations beyond the hill. Thee are always hills to climb but those with green grass to roll on are the best.
Such a beautiful story Lyn!!
I can imagine our dear Minerva doing just that..rolling down the grassy hill with her three daughters and her students!!!..
How nicer could THAT be?
love Terry
God bless you Minerva!
I am so glad u have taken a step with many more to follow...after such a difficult round of life at it's worst...one often can't just take that step forward like nothing happened. Finally, u have taken that step. Good luck with all your projects...just like steps, one at a time ...and things get done, dont beat yourself up it it takes more time then u thought..thats ok ...Big hugs your way...
I am sorry I've been away so long. I lost my mother to cancer on the 14th of February and for awhile I've barely had tme for Reconstitution let alone checking on my other stops in the world of blogs.
This is most excellent news. The world, you can gradually re-inhabit as you get used to breathing freely again. I am so happy for you.
Memories from the corners of our minds that bring a smile can last long enough to chase away the clouds and make even a most difficult day seem brighter. It's a bit like waking up to smell the roses in the midst of a winter storm and somehow you can even smell the beautiful aroma that's therapy for the soul.
Dear sweet Minerva...I'm wishing you a day of memories filled with roses and smiles.
Sounds like a GREAT Plan, Minerva...I know how things can get away from you when other more important things take precedence....I wish you ALL the good luck in the world with the house needs and especially Great Good Luck with writing'that book'..!
I am so very happy for you Minerva! I pray God's blessings and love upon you and your family!
With love,
3T
Dear Minerva...I hope that all is well with you. Maybe you have been on a bit of holiday,eh? I know that the schools here had their March break this week. The poor kids had nothing but a big pile of snow to face.They couldn't even find bare ground to get up a friendly game of marbles or find an open field to fly a kite or two! Oh they had the wind alright but no where to go! I can't ever remember having a March like this Minerva. It will be spring shortly and we are still covered in the white stuff!!
Take care dear friend. I miss hearing your voice...Love Terry
If I knocked on your door, would I find you at the top of a stepladder hanging curtains or painting the walls....or might you be dancing around the house to a favorite old song playing in every room?? Perhaps you are doing a little of both, but whichever it may be, stop long enough to step outside in the warm sunshine, smell the fragrance of spring and let the love that surrounds you find it's way into your heart today.
Hi again Minerva...If your nice friend Lynn would send some of that spring weather here, I surely would be grateful!
No warm sunshine here nor pleasant smell of the tulips, lilacs, or daffodils that usually are here about this time...nothing but cold air and icicles!!...Brrr......love Terry
This comment is for Terry.
I don't know where in this big world you live but I do know that millions of folks here across the U.S.have seen enough snow and ice and cold winter weather for this year.
So to borrow a line from an old song, "Imagination is Funny, It Makes a Cloudy Day Sunny"... always works for me when I need to let some sunshine in. I know that's a simple answer but when I think of alternatives, it makes the sun shine for me. Maybe it can work for you.
Ha!! you go me there Lynn!
When I was a little kid the Beatles were out and I always liked this song
"Here Comes The Sun"
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right
But it WILL be nice when the sun comes out again and stays for a while! How do you expect our darling Minerva to go rolling down grassy hills if the sun doesn't make the grass green??
I live in Southern Ontario Canada...11 miles from Niagara Falls...Brr....and 30 miles from Buffalo New York..even burrier!!
missing you.
:-)
I love your attitude, Minerva. I'm certain it's why you're able to lead your life today, for lesser people wouldn't have had anywhere near your drive.
Can't wait to see how you do in the writing course. Part of me thinks you could teach it!
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