Irony
How ironic that having faced what was, probably, the greatest fight of my life, that I am struggling so much with dealing with real life. When you are dying, everything gets slightly left. After all, what on earth is the point of painting the house, fixing the car, sorting out the junk, when you are not going to be around to see it?
But now, now that I am not going to 'shuffle my mortal coil', for a certain time, I feel as though I really can't cope. I am snowed under at work, but unable to concentrate so everything is taking twice as long. Other people, dear family and friends, have naturally ratcheted up their expectations, but I feel I can't meet them.
I feel in a vortex of confusion, tiredness and apathy, and I have no idea why.
Hence, I may add, the lack of posting. I figure that after a near death experience like this, people only want to hear good news. Of course I am thrilled that I don't have cancer at the moment, and that it didn't come back, but real life with its busyness and expectations is all proving rather more difficult than I realised.
Minerva
24 comments:
I can't tell you how happy I am, Minerva, to hear that you have all those 'normal life' problems to deal with. :) May you always have a reason to paint the house, fix the car and sort out junk.
Seriously, maybe the confusion and apathy are just a reaction. Like maybe you expected to feel nothing by blinding joy when this moment came, and now dealing with everything feels unexpected. Logically it had to be there, but not everything we feel is logical.
Oh Min, me too. It must be in the air, this frigid air. And then I remember that every year about this time I feel the school crunch, the home crunch, being confined at home during snow days, loving that I'm getting some time off from school but being trapped in the house like a bunch of rats, staring at each other, tempers short, moods crazy.
Calgone, take me away! xx
I understand the "why bother" attitude and letting things slide. Now that you don't have the "excuse" of cancer anymore, doing everything you need to do is overwhelming. Just take it one day at a time, Minerva, and do what you can. I might add; don't get down on yourself because of what you cannot accomplish quickly. Give yourself a break, considering what you've been through. I sure would.
In reality though, everything else is not so unimportant when you have taken part in such a battle.
I think I understand - in some small way....
Your mind is still getting around the news that you are not dying. You had trained your mind to accept your mortality and now it's flipping out at having to rethink absolutely everything....
Be patient, lovey. The work thing will settle down as your life calms down. The other stuff; fixing things, painting houses etc - that can all wait a little longer.....
cq
My heart flies out to you because .... who is it that is really putting these demands on you? Do your friends and family and colleagues really expect you to suddenly conform to normality and carry on superwoman as ever? And if any of them actually do (are there any?) then they just need to be a bit more understanding. Or maybe you need to let them know - or not. Heck.. your life HAS been turned upside and inside out.
Imagine how shocked you'd feel after you just caught or stopped your child from running across the road - at least the rest of the day and you'd be shuddering for some time after. You have had (unfairly) a death sentence over your head for quite some time. That ain't going to fix overnight.
(((((More hugs than ever before!)))))
That makes perfect sense. Getting on with mundane. Doing laundry is not dramatic when you know you will have more laundry next week.
Give yourself a break. This certainly will take more than a few weeks to work through.
I'm so glad you are well.
yes, i concur.
when I had serious depression, getting out the door was quite an accomplishment, now that that is managed, treated, the whole slew of new challenges await, and there is no magic pill to make life easier.
I will be praying for you.
The things that were important still are the important ones; keeping the wheels from falling off the car is as well, I know, but not on the same level!
Remember to take time for you along the way...roses only last a few days, so enjoy them while they are here!
alan
I've been a reader of your blog for awhile and share a host of similar stories and experiences including what you express in this most recent post. I decided to call my experience "battle fatigue" - some combination of the psychological/physical damage done by months of extreme stress, chemotherapy regimes, hormonal depletion and a dread that the rest of my life will be broken down and used up by minutia and trivia. I don't have an answer except my own - to hold myself tight and only do really well what matters to do really well. Its okay to be bewildered and to wonder why now that you have your life back it all seems so unappealing and defeating. Life is lived in masses of trivia - I had forgotten that and now that I can see it I'm not sure what I want to do with it. But what you're feeling is not abnormal - it right and fair and in its own way wise.
Take your time Minerva, take your own good time.
Your reaction reminds me of how I felt for a long time after my husband died.
What is the point of all the trivial details?
Does any of it really matter in the greater scheme of things?
Hard to focus on the daily duties of 'normal' life again..but alas, floors must be swept, dishes washed, etc.
However, I would just say to you: Don't sweat the small stuff!
Yes but dear Minerva...Even after this happiness of finding out that you have no cancer, your friends, I am sure are still praying for you.
Life CAN be a handful sometimes and only the Lord can give us the peace and the joy that we all need!
Love you so much Minerva!...Love Terry
Oh my dear Minerva, I've been out of touch for so long, and I'm SOOOOO happy to hear that you are all right. The everyday things will get done. For now, just enjoy the moment. xox
You have recieved some good advice here, One day at a time...is really all you can do, I think you have also put alot of preassure on yourself..After months of dealing with the absolute worse scenerio one could have, although the outcome was better then you could expect...the brain has to deal with the new, totally different idea of what your life is now...as possitive as it is..one still needs to re-adjust to it all, on so many levels. Give yourself a break, and just take one day or step at a time to Rebuild the life u thought u had lost...but have to relive again.
Popping by to see how you're doing and was thrilled about your good news. Way to go!
As for the life part of it....I would imagine it would take awhile to get back into the mundane swing of things. With time, I'm sure it'll all balance out.
Sending you very good wishes for your continued good health.
Terri
http://www.islandwriter.net
Who knew cancer was such a good excuse? :) Of course, I say that in jest but I think you don't give yourself enough credit. You know how to take it one day at a time, you have learned that if nothing else. Give yourself some grace, it's a new reality now. (Not that you asked for advice, I hope that's not how this seems.) Life is good, albeit a logistical pain in the arse, right? :)
Take your time...yes, take your time. I can't imagine what I would do with "the aftermath" of thoughts, feelings, people, living in a completely new reality. It is overwhelming to say the least, I'm sure. Anyway, I still stop by to check on you and I still pray for you...
Experiencing 'normal life' is sometimes more daunting than coping with illness. It takes time.
You are finding your way. Heck, you're probably suffering from a bit of post-traumatic stress syndrome. I know I would be! Hang in there, better days will come.
I have been going through the archives and have come to the conclusion that you are perhaps one of the strongest people I have known in my life.
Yeah, despite my super-happy comment just left on your other post--this sounds like real life.
Which is absolutely fine. My therapist, who is also a Zen priest, has been working to help me understand that embracing my life does not mean having to meet some false ideal of giddy happiness all the time. It's embracing everything that I feel, when I feel it. Like going to a horror film--you can go and be scared and horrified and disgusted, and yet there is enjoyment in that, because that's why you went to the film. Here we are in this journey of Life, and we signed up for the entire experience--so there is a kind of "enjoyment" even in the awful moments, if we just embrace the awfulness and don't try to force some saccharine smile onto everything.
At least, that's me.
Hope your life is Real. ;^)
In the real world we strive to be content with our lives and who we are. Sometimes the world presents us with the reality of having to deal with who we are when a door we thought was closed suddenly opens... and who we were might still be there. Remember that brave girl we all admired is still gathering the strength and courage and the time she needs to find herself again.
Minerva: Of course how else could one expect you to feel after shifting gears--so to speak--from one end of life's spectrum to the other and it will take some time for the GREAT news to become part of you! And it will. I am so very happy for you!!!!:D Be kind to yourself.
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