Definitely Down
So the past month has been horrible; a time to forget, and move on away from. I have been so down, but down without fully realising what has been happening to me. My concentration is shot to pieces, any work takes me hours and I never seem to finish. The stress generated by my inability to work to my previous standards engenders, naturally, even more pressure.
I can't sleep, and when I wake in the morning, I can't get up. The joy has gone from my life and I am irritable with all I love, save my girls, for some reason. And, every time I am irritable with someone I love, I beat myself up completely about it. I have written reams of self hate diatribe and yet, somehow, I watch my fingers typing with no understanding of where these feelings are coming from.
Certainly, I tried to rationalise it all at the beginning; that coming through Cancer is much like a major trauma and that I was suffering from the post 'is this all there is'. syndrome. But I feel so ashamed, so very very ashamed that I can even write something so self pitying. All over the world there are those, so much less lucky than I have been, who wake and fight cancer every day, and here am I, delivered by a faulty PET scan, looking around wanting to run and hide. How selfish, how self-involved, and ultimately how completely pathetic.
Thus, you see how my mind has been working, or rather not working. It was only last week, as having put up smoke signal after smoke signal at work and home and not being acknowledged that I decided to go to the doctor. I was extrememly concerned about being laughed out of the consulting room; ''You, free of cancer, unhappy? Don't be RIDICULOUS!'' or some such.
I needn't have worried. I am indeed diagnosed as suffering from depression which apparently is quite common. After cancer, which is so all encompassing and 'in your face' with purpose, your troubles don't get eliminated, they just get submerged in the face of impending death and doom. But, when that huge destructor of purpose leaves your life, then the same old trivialities come back and you, worn down, and destroyed by cancer and its treatment, still have to deal with it all.
I refused the 'sick note' from work believing that work is probably the best therapy for me, but I do wish these pills would hurry up and work; I am so tired of not feeling myself, of not feeling joy, happiness or laughter.
Minerva
38 comments:
the pills do take a while to work. sadly, some days they are not enough.
my reality has a way of catching up to me, and no amount of TV, online games or work will cover my emptiness.
I am thankful that you found the words to post, and let us care for you a bit.
Thank you for your efforts here.
Dear Minerva..You are not alone.
When my mom suffered depression a few years back and when even we, her kids couldn't understand, a preacher who had come into town understood her completely.
He chided us for not understanding and we needed that!
My sister took her to the doctor and he prescribed her mild depression pills. It took a little while for them to work.
I don't think that you are full of self pity at all Minerva.
I just don't know what I would have been like if I had gone through even a little of what you have been through!
Even though your voice sounds so sad, I am still glad to hear it and you know I will be praying for you dear one... All of your friends are, I am sure..Love Terry
ps... I am with David...Thank you Minerva for your posts!
Give yourself mercy. My heavens you have been through a hellish reality.
The pills take awhile. I battle depression most days. I have learned that to force myself to stay in action doing stuff helps a lot.
I am 56, so the little motivational game I play is that I agree to do 56 things before I let myself agree to drop off into bed.
Pills DO work. If the ones you are taking don't make you feel better within a couple of weeks, ask for some different ones.
About half the people I know, ranging in age from 20 to 87, are successfully keeping off depression with a pill of some kind: it's an easier thing to cure than cancer.
Several years ago now I read a "New Yorker" piece by a heart surgeon who ended up being saved by open heart surgery. He spoke of his "survivor's guilt"; the "why him" and not someone else guilt. He also spoke of every day having to look at the ugly scar on his chest and going through the "why him" the other way, vanity wondering why it was his body that had been disfigured.
He spoke of learning a new compassion for his patients, as he had counselled them that these feelings were possible, but until it happened to him, it was only anecdotal. He never knew how deep one could despair at having been lucky enough to have survived something many don't...
May the coming spring bring some sunshine into your new life!
alan
Other things must seem trivial ater coming back from something that you had. However, that, just what they are, trivial. Rise above those issues.
It's evident by all you have written that you are down and without the coping skills you once used to fight cancer. So much for being brave and courageous and full of fight when you can't feel anything to encourage a fight or the energy needed to go even one round.
I can only imagine the disparity of your feelings and the struggle to overcomne them, but I hope you will try to put away self recriminatiuons if you can, give the pills time to do their work and bring joy and laughter and happiness your way soon.
Came here through Jalal's blog. I can't say I have ever faced anything as big as cancer but even without it I have always struggled with the issue of purpose.
If circumstances permit, one of the alternatives available to you may be jumping to a totally different line of work that is more satisfying. In my experience, even there you will find that a large chunk of it is still mundane work - that is just a fact of life we thinking humans find hard to to get used to, but it definitely will be more enjoyable when you look back at your day in the evenings.
I have come to believe that in life, if we are lucky and smart, we slowly move on an uneven but sure arc towards our calling. Try to find that arc and move towards doing something you life.
I apologize if all this is too vague. I don't know much about you so all I can offer is these words.
Oh, honey. I stayed away a little while - allowing my finger to stop short of clicking on your link.
Once the euphoria had passed, I knew you would need time to get used to being You again, and not You with Cancer.
But I am back, and just in time, it seems.....
My sweet long-suffering friend - I am not in the least surprised you have been diagnosed with depression. Mine came on after major surgery and a cancer scare. You have been through so much more than I did, it's normal to be depressed.
The pills will work - eventually. And the incoming Spring will help, with some nice walks in the park with your girls. Or drive out of town and go for a walk in the country. When you go grocery shopping, give in to the urge to buy some pretty flowers.
But I know you don't want to hear that, you don't want advice or well-meaning bonhomie. You just don't want to feel so unhappy.
I'll be back, sweetheart :-)
cq
Hello, Minerva: Listen, I know this too will all lift. You have been to hell and back. In the name of humanity, what an adjustment to make given the many months of emotionally adjusting and coping with so much uncertainty. Please give yourself time to recalibrate to a new future. I send you only smiles and good thoughts and will be back!
Dear Minerva...I have been thinking about you today[Sunday morning] and praying that you are feeling a little better now...
So nice to see your sweet friend Crazie Queen here..I have had such a busy time with my parents that I have had not enough time to visit herr like I used to.
But you are always on my mind, you and your three girls and so I just had to take the time to say hi...Love Terry
Chemo can wreak havoc on female hormones (the whole endocrine system, actually) including throwing younger women into premature menopause. Have any of your doctors addressed this as being possibly part of the cause for your depressed state? It may be that you need estrogen more than an anti-depressant. Or progesterone. Or testosterone. Or thyroid medication. Many many studies now show that taking bioidentical hormones EXTENDS survival in women who have had breast cancer, although much of what you read in the media will lead you to believe otherwise.
Hi Minerva,
Not much to add. Just wanted to say I was thinking of you. Hope you start feeling better soon. Just give yourself time...
(HUGS)
Erica
Hello sweet friend...I call you that because I feel that somehow I have been walking through the deep dark woods with you searching for the miles of breadcrumbs that will lead the way back and even though the birds have eaten them, there is a bright light just beyond the last grove of tall trees that will take you home again.
how is this week going? better I hope.
mine is like a roller coaster.
at least there was a couple good UPS this week. yahoo
Min,
I've been where you are and based on my experience it DOES get better -- it just takes time, LOTS of time. (We're talkin' several years of patience, acceptance and all that jazz...)
What worked for me... I stopped struggling against the weight (I was so exhausted from the cancer stuff I wasn't really putting up much of a struggle anyway) and focused on nurturing me -- something I was not very good at before. It has been slow -- much slower than what I am accustomed to doing things, and I am different now than before the cancer. But I feel like I am moving toward being whole again...
Be patient, compassionate, generous with yourself.
I went on meds before my surgery. My surgeon said he was happy to hear it since most of his patients face severe depression after things are 'fixed'. We spend so much energy fighting this crappy disease than when we no longer need to fight our bodies are confused.
Now that things are 'over' for me I certainly feel the wave of depression, even tho I am currently taking meds. I cannot imagine how much worse it would be if I hadn't been taking anything.
Big Hugs to you Min. I am sending you all the extra happy thoughts I can manage.
Good Morning, Minerva! It's April 7th over here in the USA (Wait!...what a dumb comment on my part; it's actually April 7th worldwide, isn't it? "D).
Well,anyway I wanted to peek in on you and here's my wish for you today: That the weather is warm enough for you to get out and meet up with some friends, even if it's nothing more than tea. I find it is Refreshing to leave one's apartment and just get moving around. lol! :)
Hey honey, like your other friends I'm back to see how you're getting along.
It's been busy here in S Glos lately...
The re-enactment season has begun already - it was absolutely freezing at Caerphilly over Easter! You would've laughed to see us huddling around the fire...desperately trying to keep warm, 14C style!
Work has been hectic - and I am slowly turning into a teacher! I now teach Basic Life Support and defib training.
I made the mistake of asking the site first aiders if they would be interested in some refresher sessions - and, so far, 52 have replied begging for practice.....I don't think we have a room that big! :-)
Don't be a stranger, even if you feel evil. I have posted a lot of 'depressed' posts over the last couple of years - it helps to unburden to a 'faceless' audience. And you'd be surprised how many bloggers have experienced depression of one type or another.
We still love you, even if you are grumpy :-)
cq
You are probably a wonderful person. ( It seems to me that it's mainly the sensitive unselfish givers who get depression).
There are two extremely helpful DIY psychotherapy books by julia cameron which if you haven't already, i urge you to try. CBT also works.
Very good wishes,
hehehe - I love Michael's comment "it's actually April 7th worldwide, isn't it?"...
Maybe, maybe not; it can be 7th in the US, 8th in the UK and 9th in NZ all at once - cool or what?....we know, we've seen it at Michele's place :-)
Anyway, it's 8pm on the 8th here now and I just popped back to say hi.
I have been tormenting my boss to death lately (I have been feeling most evil but we have a strong friendship that survives most of my emotional ups and downs!) - and my annual report is due!
Can I point out that timing has never been my strong point???
Love, every time I come here, I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you a big old hug. I hope you have good experienced huggers on hand.
cq
Sometimes it takes awhile for the medication to work and sometimes they need to try different prescriptions before they find the one that works. Don't get discouraged. It will happen!
thinking of you and sending you light for the current journey.
peace.
Minerva: You are on my mind this evening here in the USA, so I'm dropping by with a smile to say Hello and that your blogs are missed. Take good care of yourself.
(((HUGS)))
28 days and counting since we last heard from you. I'm hoping the pills have brought back the joys of every day simple things, easy laughter and the deep down pleasure of feeling warm sun on your face. In this time that may be difficult I wish you the poetry of the season and all it can bring.
people suffer from depression for all kinds of reasons. don't feel guilty or ashamed. it's part of being human and of being vulnerable.
you will come through, you will prevail.
I hope you are on the road to mental recovery. I never thought I would be "that person"... the one on anti-depressants, but I will tell you that they saved my life. Literally.
When they kick in, you just feel NORMAL. I always say that without them, I feel like I'm on drugs. With them, I feel like I'm not. That's what chemical imbalance is all about.
Hang in there.... and please post an update.
please post
two lines
two words
( get thyself to a cafe if you are in spain, rent a computer and let us know you are alright)
happy sunny Sunday
PG is so right!
Missing your voice so much Minerva!
Hope everything is going well for you.....Love Terry
Since you haven't blogged in so long, maybe this might help?
Offtopic
You have been tagged (it is on my blog) but I won't hold you to doing it! Though if you copied and pasted and just changed the bits that need changing it might be easy enough? xxx
Saturday, and I get a driving holiday ( 2 days) to get my feet wet in the pacific Ocean, hope you are well, think of you often!
joy,
happiness
laughter
Where are you tonight?? I imagine your absense is simply because you have been deep into writing your book. I've missed hearing from you.
Hello Sweet Minerva...If absence makes the heart grow fonder, I think your absence here sure makes us love you more and hope that you are not down anymore....Love Terry
You know it's funny to me how we try and rationalize our feelings by saying how grateful we should be for the good things in our lives. People will remind you of that often, as though you aren't, or as if you have lost the ability to appreciate what is good in your life.
After nearly dying during the stillbirth of my son, and the subsequent complications, I think it was generally expected that upon getting the clean bill of health I would simply get back to being my old self. But, after evrything I experienced, I was just starting the journey to find out how I had become.I was expected to still be a good mother to my daughters, be a good wife, be a good employee during a time when just getting out of bed each day was a major accomplishment.
I was sad...horribly depressed...the heartbreak of losing Henry was like no pain I could ever have conceived of; added to that I was mourning the loss of who I knew myself to be.My body failed me, it failed my son, and I felt like I had failed the world because I wasn't a smiling,happy, strong me.
I was scared, and sometimes still am of what is yet to come, because the ways in which I feel and think and about things are so different thanks to this journey I have been on.
You are on it now too. You have survived...now what? You are so changed, and it is not only normal to be depressed, there is nothing wrong with it either.
Yes, there are so many things that you still have to be grateful for, as should all the rest be grateful for you.
I for one am grateful that a complete stranger had the strength to open her heart to the world and share her journey...it has helped me in my healing, and maybe, hopefully the knowledge that we strangers are all out here thinking of you will help you in yours.
Be well, take time for yourself,it will get better.
Theresa in Florida
Just a stop by to say "Hello" and (((HUGS))), Minerva! I hugged a puppy today! 05/08
Michael
The best thing I find when I'm feeling down is to concentrate on something menial. I shuffle. I find it helps me calm down and rationalise everything that's happening
Pills are not worthy. U may loose some concentration on all the things
great efforts here !!
thanks for the post
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